Using They/Them as Singular Pronouns

The argument I hear the most often when people encounter the use of, they or them as a singular pronoun is that it’s grammatically incorrect, and that those pronouns have always been meant as plural pronouns only.

The usage of they as a singular pronoun dates to around the 14th century. Whenever the gender of an individual was unknown, or didn’t want to be revealed, the usage of they, them, and their were used as singular pronouns.

It wasn’t until the late 18th century that some language authorities began to argue against the usage of they/them, when the gender of an individual was unknown. This led to the construction of the gendered pronoun pairings of his or hers, him or her, he or she. However, such constructions are clunky and not used as often in informal writing or speech.

Why Are Some People Rejecting They/Them as Singular Pronouns?

Since the use of they/them as singular pronouns have been around for over six hundred years, why is there such an issue with using them now? The adoption of these pronouns by members of the LGBTQ community is a big reason behind the protests.

Some people try to claim that it’s confusing. Is it?

• A student accidently left behind their backpack.
• Someone left a glowing review, saying how much they loved the author’s new book.
• After chatting online for a few minutes, I let them know I wasn’t interested.

In each case, the gender of the individual is unknown and using they, them, or there is clearly understood to mean a singular individual. So, why is it confusing when using the same pronouns when talking about a known person who happens to identify as non-binary?

• Sam accidentally left behind their backpack.
• Skyler left a glowing review, saying how much they loved the author’s new book.
• After chatting with Charlie for a few minutes, I let them know I wasn’t interested.

It’s clear we understand who they, them, or their is referring to in each statement. There is no confusion that Sam, Skyler, and Charlie who the pronouns are referring to. The argument that using they/them as singular pronouns is confusing is a specious argument.

I believe that people don’t want to admit that this entire issue has nothing to do with pronouns and grammar. Their confusion lies in trying to understand and accept intersex and non-binary people. Having lived in a gendered world for so long, the idea of people not identifying within the gender binary of either male or female pushes them outside of their comfort zone.

Please Respect People’s Pronouns

You don’t need to understand why a person chooses to use gender neutral pronouns for themselves. If they ask you, politely, to use they/them pronouns when referring to them, it is neither difficult to do, nor grammatically incorrect.

Yes, it will require you to pay a little closer attention to your speech and not just use pronouns based on someone’s perceived gender. This also goes beyond gender neutral. If someone asks you to use, he/him pronouns, even if you think they look female to you, it’s only polite to respect that request. Naturally, the same goes for someone asking you to use she/her pronouns.

The person you’re talking to may have been born male or female, even if you think they don’t look that gender. Yes, they could be transgender, or even intersex, but you don’t know that. So, even if you feel certain what that person’s gender is, it’s never polite to assume, especially after being politely asked to use different pronouns.

It’s a simple request for respect, something that all humans deserve.