Gender Expression is not Gender Identity

The fact I am a transgender man is neither a decision nor a choice I made. It’s something I have always been, even if I could not articulate it until a few years ago. Once I realized that I am transgender, the only decision I had to make was whether to come out or to remain closeted the rest of my life.

Presenting as your birth sex does not invalidate your gender identity

I know I’m not the only transgender person to have people question the sincerity of my being transgender, merely because I used to dress and present as my biological sex. Not everyone I know has made this accusation, but some have implied it.

My presenting as female in the past doesn’t mean I’m not transgender. It meant that I had fun occasionally presenting in a feminine way. Just because some cisgender gay men occasionally like to dress in drag doesn’t make them transgender or mean they want to be women either. RuPaul is gorgeous as a woman, but he identifies as a gay man.

On the other side of the coin, just because a transgender woman used to present masculine, and wear suits and ties, does not invalidate her gender identity either. Transgender women have it harder because people who are born biologically male are looked down upon when dressing feminine. Some people often compare transgender women with drag queens, cross-dressers, and cross-gender fetishists. Not that there is anything wrong with being any of those things, but it complicates the issue for transgender women.

Regardless, the way someone presents themselves does not invalidate their identity. There are many reasons those of us who are transgender will present as our birth sex, just like there are many reasons someone who is not transgender may present as the opposite of theirs. In neither case does it necessarily reflect our gender identity.

Questioning yourself does not invalidate your gender identity

When transgender people first think about our gender identities, we may initially question which identity is right for us. We may go through phases where we identify as non-binary, genderqueer, genderfluid, or transgender before settling on the identity that best fits us. Some of us may even come to realize we’re none of those things and that we may not be transgender.

With all the societal pressure to conform to the expected cisgender heteronormativity, it’s natural to be unsure of our identity. When I first came out, I used the terms genderqueer and bigender for myself, because I felt that I identified with both genders to a degree. I finally settled on the identity of transgender man when I realized that it’s perfectly okay to identify as a man and still enjoy some feminine things.

However, just because the genderqueer or bigender identities didn’t suit me, that doesn’t mean those identities aren’t valid. Each transgender person has a different lived experience. Due to all the variables and nuances, we need to take time and figure out the right identity for ourselves.

This early uncertainty, as we explore our identities, is not a sign that we cannot make up our minds regarding our identity. It’s merely a reflection on the complexity of the transgender experience. I sometimes envy those people who have never had to question their gender, because it perfectly aligned with their biological sex. It must be nice to never have to question your own gender identity and recognize yourself whenever you look in the mirror.

I was nearly two years into my transition before I could look in the mirror and say to myself, oh, there you are. To finally recognize myself and feel comfortable in my own skin was revelatory.

Stop asking transgender people to "make up our minds"

Just because your gender identity and biological sex align so perfectly that it prevents you from wrapping your mind around the concept of being transgender, does not give you the right to impose your lived experience on others. Being born transgender is a challenge even in the best of circumstances, because of all the societal pressures and expectations based solely on what genitals we’re born with.

Many transgender people struggle to make sense of the incongruence between our gender and our biological sex. The lack of representation in mainstream media, the misinformation and disinformation about being transgender that’s available, and the confusion between gender identity and sexuality doesn’t help.

In fact, this was one point of confusion for myself, which delayed my realization of being transgender. For a long time, I assumed I couldn’t be a transgender man because I am not attracted to women. It wasn’t until I understood the fact that my sexuality was separate from my gender identity that I could accept that I was transgender. I was just a gay transgender man.

If you know someone who has come out as transgender and they are unsure of their identity, understand that it may take time, but they will eventually figure out the right identity for themselves. Until then, all they need is your love and support. If you are unable or unwilling to do that, then at the very least mind your own business.