unsocial butterfly

Going through puberty is tough. It’s even worse when you start going through ‘The Change’ when you’re 9years old. Being in grade 4, and having your body develop, and look different is about as confusing and awkward as it can be. What makes it worse, is that as a female your friends, people who you thought were your friends, and other schoolmates, no longer wish to talk to you because you’re different. You’ve changed, your body changed, your face changed, you have acne and mood swings, and are completely fed up with feeling this way. Doesn’t help when you’re the Artsy kid, who watches Anime and Cartoons and reads far more than other children. Being shunned from playing on the playground, because if you dared to step foot onto it, you’d be mocked and made fun of and pushed around. And if you push back, you’re the one getting in trouble. Because girls are taught to “Sit still look pretty.” or “Boys don’t mature as fast as girls, please be considerate of them and their feelings.” Well what about mine?! What about my feelings of inadequacy, my feelings of being alone, my feelings of being sexualized by adults, because I'm a female, and therefore I'm an object, even though I'm only 9 years old, I have to cater to the thoughts and ideals that don’t suit my lifestyle. Let kids be kids, is a lie, how can you be a kid when you’re told that, no you can’t play around in the forest with your friends anymore in case you get hurt, or in case they hurt you in ways you don’t want to experience. Yes we can go to the lake today, no you can’t wear a bathing suit because of other peoples wandering gaze. Cover up. It doesn’t matter how hot it is, you can’t show that much skin as someone with your body type. What body type? The body type of an elementary schooler? The body type of a confused and scared child, who can’t understand these adult things, and has no friends to talk to because everyone is scared or jealous that this happened to me first?

Middle School. Nowhere near easier. New year new me, is not how that works. More bullying, so I cut my hair. More mockery, so I changed my clothing style to darker colors and ripped jeans. More side glances and crude gestures, so I dye my hair. But that's where they notice. A group of older teens, the cool ones, who are friends with everyone, the emo-skater kids who took me under their wings. Which caused friends my age to start talking to me again, because I was friends with the “Cool Group”. That didn’t last long. Once they went to high school, the alienation started again. Year 8 I sat alone a lot, or in the art room, talking to other loner’s who, as it turns out, like the same shows as I do. They smoke, so I tried, but I didn’t take to it so I just sat with them. They don’t like that I don't smoke, so they stop talking to me. Being that weird anime kid who sits alone, makes other people become cruel. I get yogurt, drinks, and dirt thrown at me. I got my ass slapped and my breasts grabbed. I get messages, and notes stuffed into my locker, telling me i’m better off dead, that no one likes me, that no ones ever going to like me, that i’m not pretty enough, that I’m to chubby, which I wasn’t as I later found out, looking at old school pictures. I wasn’t a twig, I had curves so I couldn't fit into the super low rise jeans, or swear teeny tiny shirts because if I did, I would be showing cleavage. Which of course would turn me into a slut. But if some pre-teen wore the same thing, but had no boobs, it’s socially acceptable. So I covered up, wearing baggy cargo pants, sweaters and hoodies that are two or three sizes too big for me. If I wore jeans, I made sure I was wearing lots of layers so no one would stare at me. Out of my confusion and pain, I would wear dark eyeliner, spiked my hair, and wore lots of chains, and try to change enough of my appearance that people would mock me for my colorful hair and not my body.

And that's when it happened. My ‘friends’ finally went through puberty as well, and also started to become mocked and resented by others. So they did the same as me. The colored hair, the ripped clothing, the baggy sweaters, and the band t-shirts. Because the guy’s they liked never liked them back, they only hung out and talked to other girls, which of course, the other kids would called them gay, or faggots, or lesbians. SO of course, they acted like it. Several thought they could be gay, or be bisexual but they weren’t. Some were, and because they owned up to it, they were mocked less, because what can a bully do to someone if they accept themselves? We finally found some peace and a small slice of solace. But the quiet never lasts for long. I met someone. A nerdy boy from another school. My friends didn’t like this. Some stopped talking to me again, angry because they said they liked him as well. But he chose me. So out of spite and jealousy, they would send him pictures of themselves in only their bra’s and panties. I asked them to stop. I thought they did. Turns out they were bad mouthing me to him when I wasn't around. Telling him I was cheating, or saying I was only using him. One night we went to a friend's house, and had a backyard fire. One of our friends was too scared to walk home in the dark, so I said that my guy could walk her home, I thought nothing of it. She was Christian and had her own boyfriend. She only lived two blocks away, in a rural neighbourhood, the biggest threat being a cougar, so I thought nothing of it. But I was wrong to put my trust in them. They took two hours. So I got anxious and walked to her house. I walked through the front door, to her room, and saw him lying on her bed watching youtube, and she's standing by her closet getting dressed. I walked right out.

High school. Grade 10 should be better. I hope so. Wishful thinking only gets you so far. And what it does get you, is more disappointment. More heartbreak. More bullying. Being an outcast in your own family. So you work fulltime and go to school fulltime to hide from their disappointment. It’s hard hiding from the people you live with. It’s hard not having people to talk to. And if you do decide to talk, they tell you to stop, because you’re not smart and no one wants to listen to you speak, because nothing you say is important. Because remember. You aren’t important, you aren’t pretty, no one is going to love you, no one is even going to like you. Especially when you have weird hair, aren’t girly enough, and aren’t a slut. But wait. I thought having boobs makes you a slut? No? Oh right, it's only when I agree to sleep with you that you say horrible things. No? Still wrong? Because I won’t sleep with you that makes me a whore? Alright. There is no winning, there is no safe space, there is no one who cares, I may as well not be here. Maybe I will go to that cliff that looks over the beach. Maybe I will sharpen my butcher knife that sits in the drawer by the sink at home. Maybe no one will miss me. Maybe no one needs me after all. So I drink. And I do start smoking. I cut classes. I go to enough of my classes that way I won't get expelled, but I miss enough classes that they threaten to hold me back. But I didn't care. It’s not like it mattered if I graduated with my “Friends”, I didn’t have any. Sure I would be the one hosting the parties, or making the plans and finding locations, but people only went if there was liquor, and I was only referred to as “The party planning friend.” But...at least it was something. Because if we planned to do something other than a party, like if we planned a movie night, or a sleepover, they’d text me saying their parents won’t let them go, or they got called into work. But...they would keep the original plans...they would just cut me out of it. Finally, I snap, I tell everyone off. I let go of toxic ‘friends’. That’s when I learned that I did have a friend, who actually cared about me. She also told them off, and stopped talking to most of them. That was a moment of relief.

It’s not until after I graduate that I learn it doesn’t matter how you dress, or how you talk, someone will always love you. You will find friends, as long as you let them in and don’t question why they like you. It’s taken me most of my life to realise this. If you are surrounded by people you make you feel ostracized then they aren’t your ally. You deserve better. You deserve to be yourself. In today's day and age, we have access to online friends, someone somewhere is going through the same thing. Someone will always understand, and someone does have the same interests as you. You have to put yourself out there, which is scary beyond belief, but I can guarantee that someone will accept you. Be weird, be wacky, be unique, everyone is different. Dye your hair, wear what you want, say what you want, don’t hold yourself back. I promise, you’re worth it.