Unsent Letter

To you...always you.

Why is it always you, still?

For a while I tried to avoid things that reminded me of you, but it never worked. You are literally everywhere, in everything, it was impossible. I had to learn to just not let everything, or anything, bring you back up the way I used to...took a little practice but, I got the hang of it. Now I’m a pro. Even when a song or a phrase or a name or a moment full of you comes unexpectedly, even when I’m not ready, even when I’m blindsided...it doesn’t knock me breathless anymore. If and when you happen to me, these days, its subtle. It’s more of a gentle tug than it is a punch in the face, and the effect barely lasts more than a beat or two before it’s gone.

I’ve really come a long way, these past few months.

I don’t think about you all day, everyday.

I don’t think I see you all time, just to look again and realize it’s not you, after all.

I don’t dream about you. At least not as often.

I don’t look at your facebook.

I don’t wonder how you’re doing.

I don’t miss you.

I don’t wish I could talk to you.

I don’t talk about you.

I damn sure don’t reach out, Or try to contact you. I don’t even entertain the thought anymore.

If you crop up in my thoughts it’s only in passing, it’s not to stay, anymore.

It’s kinda weird. You once took up so much space, in my head and my heart, I’m surprised I don’t actually feel all the extra room there is now.

I think this is as “over you” as I’ve ever been.

This is the most effort I’ve ever put in to this, though...which is my bad. I admit.

Despite all the shit we threw at each other over the years, I’ve never exactly wanted to “get over” you, before.

If we’re being honest, I had always assumed, mostly, that it wasn’t an option anyway. Ha.

I had decided, at 13 years old, that you were it for me. You were my person. My one. My love of my life. Do you know how obliterating that was? To think you’ve met your soul mate, at 13? So young, so, so young, and already, I was ruined for anyone else before they ever even had a chance, because they were not you. It’s pretty funny, now, actually, looking back and remembering. I was so sure, at 13, so convinced. Even when you weren’t. Even when you’d run...cause you never ran far and you never stayed away. I always assumed you’d be back, and I was always right. Even as we grew up and got older and went our separate ways...I always assumed you’d be back. And I was still always right. Over and over and over again, we always came back to each other, I’d reach for you or you’d reach for me, wherever we were, whoever we were, whatever we were doing. Again and again and again.

Why would I have ever tried to forget you, why would I have wanted to get over you? We were always gonna get it right, one day. Goodbye was NEVER goodbye with us, we both knew that, we talked about that.

We’re both 26 this year...it’s been 13 years since I was 13 years old....

I have literally spent half of my life in love with you. I have never known you, and not been in love with you. I have never been in love with you, and known HOW to love you, either. It’s taken me almost these entire 13 years to learn that one.

I’m sorry for all the times I tried so hard to love you when I shouldn’t have, because I couldn’t have, because I didn’t know how. I’m sorry for all the times I hurt you, all the times I ran, I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you weren’t good enough. You were always more than enough. When I ran from you, I wasn’t running from YOU, but more so myself. I’m sorry for that, too.

I used to wish things could have been different between us, that I’d have done things differently, or that you had. So many regrets. I don’t feel that way anymore...if either of us COULD have shown up differently for the other, we would have.

I’ve found you, in my search for myself, so many times, in so many different ways. You bring me to myself, again and again and again, even now, even after all the shit. Maybe that’s what all this was for, if we aren’t together; maybe that’s why I met you, so you could help me find me, over and over again. Which is beautiful.

I’m not sure what you think of me, now, or how you feel. I can only hope I’ve done even a quarter as much for you as you’ve done for me, without even being aware of it.

I love you, but I don’t want you. I don’t need you. I don’t expect you.

I love you, and that’s it. I don’t even miss you, not anymore. If you’re happy where you are, I hope to God you stay there forever. I hope you never have to think of me or remember me again.

I wish, though, that if this is over, really over, that it would be OVER already, for me too...I’ve made so much progress the past couple months, but I wonder if there will ever be a time in my life that I’ll hear your name and it not still be YOURS.