Two Common Things You're Probably Addicted To (Because I Definitely Was)

Three years ago, I got hella sick. So sick. PROBLEMS sick.

And one of the ways that I kept myself from an up-close-and-personal meeting with the God of Death (I refuse to get his autograph until I am at LEAST 120) was making brownie batter in a large bowl, sitting down, and eating that shit with my fingers. I am super, super classy.

Now. It is theoretically possible. That maybe, just maybe, this is not the healthiest activity.

Maybe.

But it was what it took at the time to snap me out of really bad spirals and not actively die. So, we give it a pass. But. Two guesses what activity is NOT good for your waistline (I’ll wait). Yay, you got it!

Fixing This Nonsense: WildFit

Now that I’m doing better, I look in the mirror and go *Miss Piggy voice* HMPH.

I am about fifty pounds heavier than my optimal weight (I’m throwing up in my mouth admitting that in public, but hell, I’ve already shared that I ate batter with my fingers. The bar has already been set super, super low).

I want to fix this situation, both for overall health, aesthetics, and my physical self-esteem. So, I joined a program called WildFit.

Wildfit was created by a guy named Eric Edmeades with the idea that humans have a natural diet, the like elephants or zebras do, and we are generally hella not eating it. I’ll go into a review of the program later, once it’s over (I’m in week 5 of 13). But overall so far I have learned many things, both about the food industry *gives it a LOOK* and myself.

One of the things I learned was that I was super, super addicted to sugar and caffeine.

How did I learn this? Well, several weeks into the program (after we’ve built up to it) you give up sugar. ALL sugar (all refined sugar). Even the sneaky stuff that’s hiding in your sausages (dammit, I knew Sweet Italian was called that for a reason). And MY DUDE.

Sugar Addiction Is Real, and I Had It

I eat a pretty healthy diet, normally. My brownie batter days are behind me. I don’t really candy, don’t often eat dessert, I drink my coffee black (more on that later). So, I figured going off sugar wouldn’t be a problem.

*laughs hysterically*

Going off sugar started on Monday. On Tuesday at around noon, I started legit slurring my words.

I was at a doctor’s appointment for something unrelated, ironically enough, so when I told her I had to concentrate REALLY HARD to enunciate AND I had gone off sugar, she gave me a cough drop (medicated candy) and after I ate it, I could talk again.

Dude. What the fuck what the fuck what the fuuuuuuuck.

I had NO idea that I was that addicted to sugar. None. And I eat pretty healthily, so God only knows what the rest of the population is like.

So, you know…heads up on that.

Now we move onto caffeine.

Caffeine Addiction: Yeahhhh That Scans

The next week on Wildfit, we gave up caffeine, alcohol, and tobacco. And I have no idea why I keep being like, “yeah no, going cold turkey on things will be totally fine!”

*headdesk*

I think more people have experience going off caffeine than going off sugar. But, for some unknown reason, I was like “nah, my addiction to coffee is psychological. There won’t be any physical issues.”

For context on the straight up baffling-ness of my thought process, I usually drink SIX TO EIGHT CUPS OF COFFEE A DAY.

*pauses for mental digestion*

The thing is, I react to coffee unusually. I have had six cups of coffee after 9 pm and being dead asleep by 11:30 pm. I think that’s why I thought I was immune.

NOPE.

As with sugar, I started on Monday. The headache hit at 4:30. By the time my husband got home around 6, I looked like the walking dead. I was ghostly pale, splitting headache, barely human. My husband was not super pleased (fair). But he also reminded me we had a video call with his money guy at 6:30, and maybe I could have some coffee so said money person wouldn’t be like “what are you doing to your wife.”

Also fair. I made some coffee. A quarter of a cup later my eyes were bright. My color was back. I was a human again.

Conclusion: We’re All Super Addicted To Stuff

After my withdrawal experiences, it was decided (under the heavy urging of both my husband and one of his best friends, who is a medical professional) that I taper both sugar and coffee. So I did that.

It took me a week to go off sugar (great success), and it is now the Saturday of the week I started to go off coffee. My consumption is down by half (four cups a day instead of eight), and the tapering will continue. I have great faith that eventually my coffee addiction will clear.

But my loves, I’m a pretty normal person with a really normal diet/consumption habit (coffee volume aside). And I was so physically addicted to both sugar and caffeine that trying to go off them cold turkey rendered me actively nonfunctional.

Something to consider — you might be surprised at the things you’re addicted to too. I was shocked at the volume of sugar I was consuming that’s just in stuff. I have to go out of my way to find sugar-less options now.

You may wonder if it’s worth it. I decided yes, and I will be avoiding sugar even after the problem is over. Because it also apparently makes me break out.

And in the contest between sweets and looks, vanity, my friend, will always, always win.