Trans-attraction is beautiful - not "gay" or "weird"

Over the past decade or so, issues pertaining to the transgender community have become more prominent. And rightly so - why can't people realise who they truly are and transition appropriately? We all deserve the basic right to be content in our lives.

As male to female transgender women can often "pass" - or look, act, behave, sound and conduct themselves as cisgender women (,i.e. women whose birth and self-perceived genders co-align) it's natural that cis men as myself may be attracted to them.

The same is true of female to male trans people, though as a cis/straight male my perspective here is relative to trans women.

The announcement of Caitlyn Jenner's transtion in 2015 was seen as a major marker of transgender acceptance in the current world.

Moreover, transgender porn is a hugely growing sub-genre of the adult industry, and transgender escorts can earn big bucks in many major cities around the world. The growth of trans porn, and the success of trans sex workers generally, is rooted in part in the wider awareness of trans issues. It is, unfortunately, the only avenue available to trans women in countries with less developed trans rights. The morals of sex work aside, it does on a simple level show that trans-attraction is common.

It is important to note that no group of human beings should be characterised in a purely sexual context. Transgender women have been and still are (for various reasons) labelled in this setting. But it is remiss to ignore the reality that for many trans-attracted men, porn has been an initial starting point in their feelings.

To be succinct - with more open trans women in contemporary society compared to a decade ago and before, the higher the scope for attachments with fellow human beings.

For some, this may be radical. There are often accusations that liking trans women in a romantic and/or sexual manner is gay. Or it's effeminate. Or that most men into them must have issues. Or they like to bottom when intimate (,i.e. be the receiving partner in anal sex).

I will go into depth on these points later.

But initially, I wish to state that I am a trans-attracted man.

And I believe and know there are many others out there too.

And there is no shame at all in this.

I have opted to own it. And both trans women and us cisgender men will be better off, ultimately, with this greater openness afforded.

My journey in trans-attraction - the genesis

I see trans women as women. For me, they are as appealing as any cis woman in their looks, countenance, and grace. I don't see any differentiation between the two, really. They are all women and feminine in spirit, which ultimately is what defines gender identity and being.

This all started for me - as it does for many others - in porn. Considering trans people haven't been free to be open in past eras, this is often the first instance where exposure to trans people exists.

I'm 41 now. And I recall about 20 years ago in my late teens, I was browsing some porn on my old dial-up connection, which was standard of course in the late 1990s. I was clicking through some sites - until I saw this woman with a cute face and breasts. Her upper torso was revealed, but then I scrolled down to see the entire pic, revealing her male genitalia. The funny thing is that I had seen trans porn stuff before, and it never really affected me to this degree. I didn't know what trans was at that point, and I was like most youngsters negatively influenced by the likes of Jerry Springer. We all know the stories - "My girlfriend is a man!" Thank goodness I'm not that naive or base today, as it did the trans community a wild disservice.

This pic though - this one time - made me intrigued on multiple levels, apart from a strictly sexual one. I felt compelled chemically to relieve myself, and after that, it was the start of a journey.

I couldn't describe what I felt when seeing the pic - I don't even know the model's name - and as of the time of writing she may have long retired from the porn industry. But it was a mix of wonder, astonishment, titillation, and glory. It was something I wanted to pursue, and how.

Over the next couple of years, I would continue to see trans porn, until I decided to muster up the courage to see a trans escort in my nearest big city, which was London, UK.

By now, it was 2002, and I didn't have much clue regarding escort ads or directories. I was just a horny young man who wanted to fulfill a fantasy. I took the train from my town (roughly 30 miles outside central London) and hopped down to Liverpool Street terminal station, just outside the City of London.

I spent the entire day (I got there early with the numerous commuters) looking at tart cards (phone card ads for erotic services in London post-boxes) and the classified newspaper ads. From 9am to 4pm, I had little luck. The calls didn't go well, and I thought I may as well go and come back the next day.

However, I was near Oxford Circus, and I saw a tart card for a blonde trans woman. She had an intriguing look, and after calling her she said she was based off Regent's Park. It was only a few stops on the Tube, so I eagerly hopped on and arrived at the location in about 20 minutes.

When I arrived, she looked like her ad. She was a tall, English blonde, possibly late 20s, and wore extensive jewellry. Her place was a basement flat, which was surprisingly spacious but clean all the same.

After paying her fee (about £80), we got down to the business, as it were. I essentially wanted her to be the top, which she had no issue doing. It was the first time I had received anal sex, and I was a bit reserved over whether it would hurt, but she had plenty of lube and in fairness she wasn't overly hung. Not very small, but comfortable enough for my first time.

The resulting sex was exquisite - she hit all the right spots as it were, and I knew anal sex can hit the prostate, and how.

After the session, I felt a similar glee to that after first seeing the trans porn actress pic two years earlier.

I had lost my trans and anal cherries as it were, and I wanted more.

Relationships

My first relationship with a trans woman was in my late 20s.

By this time, I decided that only seeing trans people in a sexual context wasn't on. It was exploitative, and I didn't want to be a chaser per the vernacular. I had grown since seeing my first trans porn pic and escort session, and wanted to take a bigger step.

I also took an interest in trans advocacy - and even would call out people in my daily life and on random online forums who would be transphobic. I don't think I could do anything less, really. This isn't to make myself be a white knight - but then it was and is part of it being beyond mere sex. I've volunteered at some LGBT charities, and without sounding pretentious I consider myself an unofficial trans ally.

I was a member of some online dating forums, and hit some women up. I met up with one in person, named Verna, in a busy public park in Edinburgh, Scotland. She was Scottish herself, and was younger than I was by a few years or so. My first impression of her was a woman who was tall, blonde, thin, and with a bright and welcoming smile. Verna was early in her transition, and expressed she had some hang-ups about it but I didn't mind at all.

We talked about random stuff for a little while, and then continued to chat online. By this time, Facebook was in its infancy, so she was one of my first friends on the network. We talked often, practically everyday, and then met up from time to time in person. I lived in southern England at the time, and we chose a midway meeting point to lessen travelling times - mostly in one of the big cities of Northern England such as Leeds, Manchester, Newcastle, Liverpool, or Sheffield.

After we had got to know each other well enough, the talk of bodies and sex had come up. We liked each other enough to explore this point physically, so I started in saying that I had been with trans women before, but wanted something more than just sex. Verna didn't mind, and welcomed me being honest.

Without being too graphic or personal, let's say we both topped and bottomed, though this balance shifted to me as the top most of the time. Verna in particular had slight dysphoria to her penis, and due to both love and respect, I acknowledged this. This is an important point in cis/trans relationships, though the exact nature of this would be individual for each person. In these cases, it's best to ask and not assume.

We had spent a few meet-ups overnight in hotels, and had been intimate, and decided to become a couple.

We did all the things people in relationships generally do. This was hanging out at home, going places together, and sharing in our interests. Initially, it was long-distance as she was finishing her uni exams and looking for work. I was in work, and actually looking to start uni for some more courses. We decided to rent a large studio flat in Edinburgh. This was far from home for me, but I wanted a challenge and a new change, and to stand on my own two feet away from my home town.

Verna found a job relatively quickly after graduating, but luckily enough started to work from home due to the firm downsizing soon after she joined. I studied part-time, and to cover expenses I worked at weekends in a local branch of Tesco (a large British supermarket chain). I also met her relatives, more so her mother as her father didn't really approve of her transition (which often is an unfortunate reality for trans people). She also met my parents, and shall we say it was an experience I'll expound on in another post. It wasn't overall positive, but the issue of familial approval is a sticking point in this regard.

Verna and I split after two years or so, but did so amicably. I guess we had just grown apart, but we still remain friends. She continued with her transition whilst with me and afterwards, and now is very happy as her true self.

As for me, it was something I'd cherish forever - no matter cliched or cheesy this seems.

After this, my career took centre stage, and relationships were on the back-burner. But I had got into flings with both cis and trans women since, and I'll expound on more points in a forthcoming piece.

Owning it

Every person would be different in this - but this is how I own my trans-attraction.

I like the female form

It's perhaps best to cite why men like women's particular features - in contrast often to our own.

Many state they like women because of their bodies, hair, and softer skin compared to us blokes, and the unique countenance that women have, again relative to us.

I've found little difference in this between cis or trans women.

Take somebody like Blaire White - the popular Youtuber.

White is often seen as a highly "passable" trans woman - in the sense that she matches or meets the societally defined standard of gender presentation to the same degree of a cisgendered person. In short, she can go places and "pass" as a cis woman and seen often in places as a cis woman.

Being attracted to her is no different in a fundamental sense to a cis woman. It still is the same areas of a man's brain recognising beauty. By comparison, the popular Twitch streamer Alinity is deemed widely attractive in both the gaming and streaming communities. She is cisgender, and I'd feel many straight men would have little issue finding both attractive, and for similar reasons.

So in this sense, it cannot be "gay" to find trans women attractive. A person who finds feminity appealing cannot be gay, by definition.

I doubt many gay men would find neither Blaire White nor Alinity hot, since they don't match their model of attraction.

I own my trans-attraction since it's not healthy to deny oneself nor one's feelings and wishes.

More to the point here, it's a benign feeling.

Nobody is hurt by finding somebody attractive, in the pure sense. It's not a desire that in itself can lead to harm, if acted upon consensually or with somebody of age.

It's nothing like paedophilia.

It's nothing like wishing to bone corpses.

It's nothing like a snuff film - whether urban legend or not.

I'm not hurting anybody - whether physically, emotionally, or by denying others their stated rights. Hopefully, I won't be dragged before the ICC, or be in violation of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, just because due to some lived experiences I find trans women attractive and wish to be romantically/sexually involved with them.

As my conscience is clear, I find no reason to feel angst, guilt, nor shame.

It is part of who I am and what I like - and that is that, in truth.

In the current era of sex-positivity, we're encouraged to own our sexuality or preferences. And fittingly so, as the world of sexuality is varied and complex, like humanity generally.

I like trans women, since they are women, and that by itself is not harmful. I ,therefore, own my status as a trans-attracted man.

Is it gay to like trans women?

I would argue it's not.

I've covered in some part why in the previous section, with my example of Blaire White and Alinity.

Men who like women like the specific traits women have.

A gay man, by definition, wouldn't.

Now, there is a point here that may confuse some.

The majority of trans women depicted in porn at least are pre-op or non-op. Pre-op means they are eventually planning to have gender affirmation surgery. Non-op means they are happy in retaining their male genitalia, and it doesn't cause them any distress or gender dysphoria.

Note I mention porn here since this often is most males' first experience with trans women. With more openness, this may not be the case, as meeting could occur in "more normal" spaces such as employment and social events, but for men of my generation and possibly today, it still is significant.

Trans porn actresses often can be quite endowed below, hence causing more confusion in the "is it gay?" rationale. Incidentally, this mix of classically feminine and masculine traits is a reason for trans porn's growth and success, exemplified by stars such as Mia Isabella, Bailey Jay, and Venus Lux.

Yes - penises are intrinsically male. But for many trans-attracted men, the feminine physical factors are primary. It's shallow, in my view at least, to state that because men have penises and women don't, then it must be gay to like trans women. If dicks were paramount, then trans-attracted men would like other men, and most of us - including myself - do not. There is of course nothing wrong in being gay. However, it is not a label that many trans-attracted men identify with.

It is often an extension of liking cis women - as stated due to the like appearance and countenance that cis and trans women share. The video below by prominent trans female Youtuber, Ms. Kat Blaque, references like points to mine:

Many trans-attracted men like trans women as women - and it's an extension of liking women, in a simply put way. For me, and others, it was due to porn. For others yet, it was because they met a trans woman out and about in their daily lives and got to like her and spend time with her without even knowing she was trans. The nature of this interaction was no different to engaging with a cis woman.

Post-operative trans women cannot be discounted from this discussion, and would have no male genitalia, naturally. Whether pre, post or non-op, the attraction is based on trans women being women. It cannot be put any more simply than this. The key is essence and spirit, and not in genitalia. Those who like a feminine spirit/essence are not gay, by any firm definition out there.

Men who like trans women may wish to bottom for them - or take a cock in their arse from them, in short.

It is possible that porn has influenced some desires here - that is, in men taking anal from trans women. Porn in any genre is a fantasy, and cannot be translated to real-life sex. It must state here that whilst trans porn does depict actresses fucking men or women, this isn't an act that trans women automatically would want to do nor be willing to perform. Most trans porn does depict trans women using their penises to penetrate men or other women whether trans or cis. Moreover, as a number of trans porn stars tend to be well-endowed, this lends to a power dynamic and the aurora of them being skilled and dominant tops.

It was an influence on me, I must admit, though I feel part of the reason in my initial explorations is that I'd had experience in anal play before the first time I received anal sex proper.

The reality of course is that trans women's sexual preferences are as varied as all other groups. Even non-op male to female trans women, who have no desire to undergo gender affirmation surgery, may not opt to top people.

For trans people in "normal" jobs, so to speak, the differences are just as varied. Making assumptions in this matter is not only offensive, it's silly. Nobody can say one is a cis man, so he must like "a". Or one is a cis woman, so she must like "b". It's all down to individual experience, needs, and exposure. As a word of advice and warning to any trans-attracted man who may read this piece - do not assume that exposure to porn reflects on what all trans women like intimately. The best case is to ask them when necessary in a relationship, and not make an assumption that can damage or undermine any further relationship with them.

It remains true that men may like to bottom for trans women.

This doesn't make them gay, or less manly.

No anal play can, whether from a finger, dildo, or a cock.

It's often about self-exploration, as sexuality is to some degree about pushing one's limits and knowing the full boundaries of one's pleasure.

Many men who bottom for pre-op/non-op trans women would never wish to get fucked by a cis man. This could be, if one is being cynical, a means to be gay without being gay, so to speak. In that one is being penetrated with a dick, but not by a man strictly.

This could be true in some cases. But I don't believe it is in many.

Liking anal stimulation alone isn't gay. It's no different, fundamentally, from pegging.

Nor is liking trans women intrinsically autogynephilic.

This is a medical term - meaning a man who gains sexual pleasure from presenting in a female manner.

Men who bottom, according to some medical theories, often like to perceive themselves as women. Women often, naturally, "take" in sex, after all.

But then this may be true in some cases, but not in all.

According to studies, not all trans attracted men gain their sexual kicks from being like women. For many, the mere visceral nature of attraction is enough, without feeling sexual from female feelings.

Could trans-attracted men be bi?

It's possible.

But then as trans women are women, then there is maleness to be attracted to. A truly bi man would be attracted to other cis men as well as women, and for many trans-attracted men, this isn't the case.

There are some trans-attracted men who are bi. Or there must be within the total pool of us. But it isn't definitive nor representative of us all, that's all.

This piece reads a lot like a personal tale mixed with an academic essay. It may be pretty formulaic at points, but it is my story all the same.

I'm not ashamed of what I am or what I like.

And with trans people rightly gaining more acceptance in the contemporary world, the scope of dating and attraction grows in kind. It should always be celebrated when humans can find love and attraction, should it not?

There is a stigma attached to trans-attraction, with the "is it gay?" notion apparent. I'd argue the first steps to de-stigmatisation is personal ownership and non-shame. And then both cis men and trans women providing positive examples of thorough and loving connections that all others can follow in kind.

As we are all people, then our gender identity should not be a barrier to strong, deep, and lasting connections.