This side of 60!

This side of 60.

The conversation of aging can be very tense for people. In my opinion, people my age, 60 years of age, or in that vicinity, have grown up with very specific attitudes around what it means to be a certain age, and what kinds of behaviors are appropriate at this age. The problem for me is that I totally believe that old adage “age ain’t nothing but a number”.

I am a 60-year-old woman who is newly divorced and retired from the military. I have everything that I could possibly need as far as creature comforts, but I am losing the battle of enrolling someone (a man) in participating in a reciprocal intimate relationship. Mind you, I did not say a sexual relationship. I have always been able to secure a sexual partner, even engagement and/or marriage partners, but even then, intimacy was a no show.

It is a bit embarrassing, but the only way to fix something, or have it be different is to get it out there in the open. I have been dealing with it all of my life, and I know that the things that I wasn’t able to ask for in my sexual relationships before I turned 60 are not things that I am willing to forego in my sexual relationships moving forward, on this side of my 60th birthday.

Let me first say that I am gorgeous and highly educated which could be pros or cons depending on the day and the men that I am encountering. As an African-American woman growing up in the Christian church, there were also different pressures that popped up that added confusion or promoted negative stereotypes around being open and forthright in a sexual relationship. Because of these mixed up, or messed up messages, I have been in several relationships with men, including marriages, and I can honestly say that I have never had one of them minister to me, meaning oral sex, in such a way that I had an orgasm.

Truthfully, when I was a younger woman, in the Navy, I actually approached a co-worker who was always bragging about how many ladies he was making “cum” in this way, that I was curious as to what the big deal was. This was a White guy, so I was just trying to find out if I had plumbing issues. I am happy to say that I was assured that my equipment was in tip-top condition, I just couldn’t figure out how to get the menfolk that I was interested in to want to help a Sista out.

Sadly, I found myself headed for a divorce and moving back home to start all over again at 58 years old. As a retired Army nurse corps officer I was in the habit of making things happen, so I began my quest for orgasm knowledge by investigating and then acquiring self-love items. I figured that now was a good time to learn about my body, and what was possible for whenever I did find a partner? Friend with benefits? Not husband, for damn sure, but some physical companionship eventually.

Fast forward 15 months. I’m putting my life together, I’m back in school, my father died, and Covid-19 hit. Forgive me, I needed some human contact. The part-time job that I had at that time, allowed me to be my natural bubbly self, and I was the official hugger in chief. This obviously had to stop with the social distancing. A fellow that I had been flirting with for the last year finally asked me for my phone number and I was ready to move forward with my fantasy of a reciprocal sexual relationship, because, what else could it be, right? I realize now that I didn’t clarify what he meant by being a friend, and I didn’t clarify what I meant. I did what I had always done, assume they knew what I meant and defined friendship the same way that I did.

So, the crazy part is that during the time that I was rebuilding myself, I wrote a book that is currently on Amazon.com “Journey to Self, How to get back to you”, so I had basically published the lessons that I had learned from 59 years of failed relationships with men. I had finally acknowledged my worth, got back home in time to feel the love and support of my father and big brother, and then my father was gone. So, what did the universe do? Final exam time.

It took me 5 months to realize that in my joy of having a human companion that was a sexy gentleman, there were certain things that I realized that I enjoyed in a relationship but was not receiving. One thing was, we never kissed. I understand that we are in Covid days, but we have been having sex for 5 months, really? I guess, I just assumed that if I interacted with you in a particular way, that you would return the favor. You know, do unto others as they have done unto you.

I was proud of myself for saying something about it, because in my previous life, I never said anything. This time, I was like, WTF? I guess you don’t really like me. He of course had been telling me how much he enjoyed being with me, and how sexy I was, but he just didn’t like to kiss because of his teeth, and he had never performed oral sex even though he is 58 years old. I had to take a break, because at first he was acting like I was out of line for asking for his personal attention in that area, initially telling me that I should go elsewhere if I was expecting that benefit from him. With that said, I was like, OK then, I’m out.

The problem was that I liked him. What if he really hadn’t ever done it before. What if this was my opportunity to not just cut the guy off at the knees because he wouldn’t follow directions. Maybe this was my opportunity to be in a relationship and generate the energy that I craved by generating the energy. I realized that I couldn’t force the issue. I have to visualize what I want to have happen, and then live into the reality that I have created.

The moral of this story is to share with anyone who reads this to take responsibility for your life. Take responsibility for your own sexual happiness. Remember that whatever mindset that you take into a relationship is what you will get back. For example, If you think that they are being stingy for not doing what you want them to do, then regardless of what you do, you are sending out negative energy. I am really having to talk to myself because I want what I want, but I don’t want it if I have to ask, especially since I have already shared my concerns. At this point, I will just give the best energy that I can, whenever we are together, recognizing that he might not be the one that I will be receiving the reciprocal energy from. When God said “give and it will be given back to you, pressed down, shaken together and over-flowing” He didn’t say that you would get it back from them. Energy attracts like energy, and I am excited to receive all of the good that I am putting out into the world.