The World’s Longest Lockdown is over…!

And I don’t care

I realise I’m supposed to jump for joy and yes, I know many are, but I’m not ready for it. Well definitely not ready for parts of it. While I would look forward to eating at a restaurant again or going to the theatre there is no rush. I am definitely not ready to go back to work.

We’ve had quite a bit of this in/out stuff,suddenly stopping and just as suddenly opening up again… then a handful of cases again and as Melbourne was aiming for zero cases, slamming shut again.

Each time it shut and locked down I felt a tiny almost imperceptible feeling of ….relief.

I didn’t have to get on stinking crowded Public transport. Wearing a mask. I didn’t have to get into rush hour traffic which always makes me worried … I’d started a new job which I was both enjoying and feeling nervous about in equal measure. It’s not one I could do from home, or I’m telling you now, I’d never want to commute or deal with workplace politics ever again, having seen another way.

My previous job I could do from home, when we were first told to come back onsite I was dreading it, and covid safety measures meant it was even more onerous than before. In fact returning to it after the first lockdown crystallised my desire to leave.

But my current job which I did for about 13 days in total, before long lockdown number 6, was better for me but this allegedly final lockdown has just ramped up the stress as if it was going to be my first day again. And I don’t want that.

But worse still is what has been lost that can’t be got back and maybe won’t be the same again. I don’t feel the same about the things I loved and that is probably the feeling that makes me just want to stay at home anyway.

Will my theatre group ever get back up? That short film I wrote ever get made? The class I did that started so well but ended up on zoom even though we tried to avoid it, I can’t get that experience back. I’ve adapted to enjoying things that can be done at home and I don’t want to switch back again… not for what remains of this year at any rate. I won’t even list the plans that didn’t get carried out on milestone birthdays and anniversaries I know that’s the same for everyone.

I’m fully vaxxed and I’m less scared of the virus than I am of the fact I might not get things back that meant so much to me and that I’m using the word meant not mean.

No, the big freedom day has not made me feel anything other than now I’ve got get back on the hamster wheel again, and I still can’t see extended family in my reduced but precious downtime anyway. Friendships aren’t the same either. The pattern and the life of these friendships have been changed. I’ve definitely become more insular.

I want to build up gently to normality, well whatever normality is going to be, I’ve actually almost forgotten and I don’t believe I’m alone in that.

Someone called me anxious once, and at the time I did not identify how I was feeling as anxiety… maybe they were right and maybe it was. But I did not think it was that myself, not at that moment and what was happening at the time lent itself to another interpretation. And that’s the one I was going with. “I’m not an anxious person anymore”, I’d say.

But now I might rename how I feel NOW as definitely anxiety, not about illness and death but about losing where I thought I was going, well hopefully only delaying, not losing …and I want to get my creative fire back.

I know I will. But right now give me some peace until Christmas, ok?