The Lie and Trickery of Chemistry

This Gem from the 1970s popped up on my playlist recently. Now I remember debating with a friend at school which version was best …the men’s ( Harold Melvin and the Bluenotes) or the woman.(Thelma Houston)

My friend reckons it was a man’s song. I strongly disagreed with her, but what passed over both of our little 16 year old heads was that the words of this amazing soulful song backed up the utter damaging bullshit of romantic love.

“Don’t leave me this way? I can’t survive without your love?”

Just stop.

Yes you can and you will.

It’s all part of the massive damaging pattern that so many of us buy into.

We look to another to complete us, if they leave or behave in ways that we’d shrug off in a platonic friendship, we can be really rattled and distressed.

I highly doubt I am the only one who is fed up to the back teeth of the way things are ( or seem to often be)in interpersonal relationships . The way its done, the way it’s always been. They way things are in the majority of cases that is, I for one, am done with. The more you feel or think you feel about someone the further you will go with overreacting… when that person does something that rattles your cage. You’ve been triggered, you react in anger or fear. You’ll run, you’ll hide, you’ll punch ( not literally, or maybe literally though hopefully not) or a better word would be lash out(verbally, on your stupid messenger app… whatever. ) Stony silence being the flip side of that coin, equally unhelpful, but it does avoid escalation.. while fuelling simmering resentment… where kindness and good manners used to exist. The more you care, the more this tedious damaging quite frankly boring pattern, is likely to be activated.

Suddenly a perfectly reasonable human connection is in shreds. And maybe it was going to CHANGE….gradually from major to minor, as that other classic song says.

That being the case CAN WE PLEASE discuss? In trying to minimise harm by avoiding the facts quite often far greater harm occurs. Anyway all this is magnified by the slippery nebulous, rare for many (eg me), a regular occurrence for others…chemistry…Attraction, call it what you will. It feels like the only thing that matters, you have to spend all your time with that person, they make you heart skip … brain chemistry has been activated..and lo and behold another ordinary person is elevated to an unearned and frankly unrealistic pedestal. Honestly it’s not good for anyone.

Who is putting your puzzle pieces together?

Anyway anyone can fake chemistry and draw someone they are attracted to into their thrall. A little research, taking an interest, mirroring behaviour… holding an eye gaze a little longer.. all adds up. Before you know it It’s trouble…

So can we just stop…

Can we have honest discussions?

Can we be prepared to hear what we might not like?

Can we leave with caring and respect?

Can we admit that connections wax and wane?

Can we agree that chemistry can be misleading?

We can leave people in THIS way, Respectfully with gratitude and with an openness that acknowledges that people’s vibes do change as they learn and grow.

Don’t leave me this way?

I’ll leave you better than I found you! It just might not be all that obvious at first. I’ve just been a mirror for you. You know, things you might want to work on. Oh, you’ve done the same for me.

You’ll survive and so will I.