The Unpaved Path to Happiness

The forest was restless. A chill went down her spine by the thought of having to go pee outside. It must have been nearing dawn but clouds were covering the half moon, so she couldn't tell. Her feet were freezing and she hated herself for not having put the last log on the fire last night. Now she would have to get out of her warm bed into a cold room, and out into an even colder November night to use the latrine.

No. Can't do it, she thought to herself. A mason jar will have to do. She rolled the blanket around her entire body and stumbled towards the kitchen. After rummaging for an empty mason jar, she took it to the washing station and relieved herself, filling it up to the rim. Sooooo much better now. Quickly, she scrabbled back into the warmth of the bed and closed her eyes. Her feet were still like two blocks of ice and the room seemed to have gotten colder. It will pass. They'll warm up. But they didn't. She just couldn't go back to sleep and the sounds of the night outside were filling the darkness of the room, making it feel foreign.

Half an hour later she couldn't feel her toes. She got up, lit a candle and opened the bottom draw. No socks in sight. Of course. She had washed all of the five pairs she owned the day before, and they were still wet. She made a mental note to go into the village to stock up on socks. Woollen ones. And undies. Nice, soft, durable undies that stayed in place on her somewhat flat behind. And a new pair of gloves for the winter. Uuuuuh and chocolate. With hazelnuts. No. First make money to spend money, remember? She'll just have to remember to wash her socks before the fresh ones run out. And to put a log on the fire an hour later to avoid frozen feet. And the chocolate is just an addiction anyway, she tried to convince herself. She made a fire, because at this point it was really no use going back to bed. She put the kettle on and snuggled up in the armchair, three blankets and all.

She could just make out the outline of her new house through the window, sighing deeply, wishing it was finished already. It was taking ages. Somewhere in there, there was a warm room, a bathroom with a bath and a composting toilet, a lovely big stove and a huge desk to do all of her drawing at. Well not yet, but soon hopefully. It had taken her a long time to get where she was and all of these uncomfortable nights were well worth it. She was finally following her dreams. And the small hut with no electricity or running water, the scary dark nights and the strange noises coming out of Nature's bosom were all nothing compared to the life she had left behind. Courage pays off, she thought to herself smiling.

The small hut seemed to be getting cosier, warmed by the light of the fireplace and she was starting to regain some feeling in her toes. She watched the shadows dancing from the flickering light of the fire and she slid back into a comforting snooze. The sound of the kettle was what woke her. Taking a couple of seconds to remember what she was doing sitting instead of laying down, she slowly got up and made herself some mint tea. The room was lovely and warm now. It was getting light outside and the birds were starting to sing their morning preludes. She put one of the drying pairs of socks over the fireplace and swore to herself not to get dressed until the pair was completely dry.

She wouldn't change this for the world, she thought. Even if the bigger house took two more years to get finished, it wouldn't even matter. It wasn't all that bigger than the hut anyway. And she liked small. Small, cosy warm spaces, small flowers, small birds... The only thing she truly couldn't stand was small talk. Shuddering by the memory of having sat in cafes hours on end, pretending to enjoy the company of people who could provide no higher form of conversation that what was up and who did what. What a waste of life. No more pretending. She had sworn to live her truth and to find out what that actually was. She had made it her mission to be happy. And that was terrifying in the beginning.

Once upon a not long ago, all that she knew was what she had been born for. To always be there and to console, help and listen to others. To think of herself last. She was trained to feel guilty for wanting to be happy if others were sad or depressed. She always felt she had to keep their sadness company and then they wouldn't be sad anymore. She snapped out of it and blew off these dark thoughts. This was the last stage of her life and she was living it just for her. She was turning fifty soon and whatever time she had left on this Earth was going to be a celebration of life. She got out of her armchair, burritoed in her blanket, and opened the front door. The morning air was cold, but the light was magnificent. She inhaled deeply and slowly exhaled, filling the air with steam from her breath. The feeling of freedom swept all over her body. I love my life, she thought smiling.