The SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN way to attract a partner

Like many in my generation, I am single. Alone, all alone with nobody to love, hold, argue with, take cute pictures with or go on holiday with.

I am in my prime time, well I say prime, in the gay community you either peak between 19-24 as a twink or you can hope in later life you qualify for "daddy" status.

Now I didn't like the idea of being a forty-something, trying to hit up 18 year olds with the allure of money and power - unless you are into that sort of thing, DIRTY!

I knew I needed to act fast and secure myself a soulmate, but I just couldn't figure out how. So, I did the only logical thing, turn to Google.

After trawling through pages and pages of strange erotica and penis enlargement pill advertisements, I stumbled upon a disused blog, that was written by a scientist.

This scientist promised that he could create a potion that could make anyone fall in love with you. Now, I am pretty naive when it comes to buying stuff off the internet and scam websites, but I was so desperate, I looked past the awful English, which read:

"I promise u gr8 resultz!"

I checked out the range of products, which was pretty limited to two options:

They retailed at about £100, which for a skint student, balls deep in his overdraft (if you know, you know) would have been a risky purchase, but I had just cancelled my Grindr premium, so found myself in a bit of a healthier bank balance. That being said, I knew I didn't have much money or time to waste... so I decided to send the scientist an email and see if I would get a reply.

I quickly tapped away the following: "Hi there, I want to make John Smith fall in love with me, will it definitely work?"

I think I went cross-eyed because I was staring at my phone for so long, anxiously waiting for his reply. It was the most agonising 8 minutes of my life. Reflecting on this, I should have been shocked that it only took him 8 minutes to write me back, as if this was a legitimate product, I'm sure it would take a full team of call centre workers to deal with all the questions.

I can just imagine them now, happily tapping away fake scientific results to make vulnerable (or just sexually frustrated, either work) people like myself buy their product. He replied with the following:

"Dear valued customer, yes this product will 10000000% mak John Smit fal in luv w u, look forward 2 hearin bak x x x Simon".

Now, this is the sort of poor English that you'd get from one of those multi-level marketing people on Facebook, not from a scientist who claimed to have 20 years experience in the field. Unfortunately, I didn't consider this at the time and Simon's words rang in my ears and I just couldn't stop fantasising about my "John Smith".

I paid via my debit card, which was probably not a wise move considering the website wasn't properly encrypted and some hacker could just help himself, but with my limited funds, he could probably just about afford a cheap glass of wine at his local. With that in mind, I hit purchase.

I waited 25 days for it to arrive and I remember my mother shouting me down, telling me I had a parcel.

I ran downstairs, grabbed it without saying a word and took it back up to my room. I was so anxious, excited, nervous, horny, flabbergasted, aroused, kinky, happy, sad, depress- well now I'm just listing the motions I feel in an hour.

I slowly opened the package, it looked a little bit beaten-up and I wasn't quite sure where it was from, but I DID NOT CARE. I was going to make my crush fall in love with me and that was all that mattered. On a reflective note, it would have involved drugging him, which is not something I condone but in the moment, I hadn't quite thought of the practicalities of how I was going to get him to drink this potion.

Inside the box was an invoice and this little tube, probably about 10ml of liquid. It looked like this.

Now that I had it in my palms, I wasn't sure of the dosage, what if he fell so deeply in love with me that if I decided I didn't like him anymore, he would kill himself or stalk me. I do not want to end up on Dr. Phil in future years.

So I got onto my computer and messaged Scientist Simon, requesting the following answers:

"Hi, I've received the potion, how do I get my crush to drink it and what are the ingredients?".

Cue call centre workers.

He replied quick as a flash and said "Dear valued customer, put the bottle inside your crush's drink. It contains rose water and paprika, which are scientifically proven to make someone fall in love with u X X X Simon".

I screamed bloody murder. I had spent £100 on some rose water mixed in with a bit of paprika. PAPRIKA. The only thing that will give my crush is a hot tongue and an upset stomach. I fell to the ground in tears and accepted the fact that John Smith would never love me, oh and that I was £100 down and they did not accept refunds, because it was so magical and in-demand.

Note to self, never buy something off the internet unless you know exactly where it came from and you know what you are buying. Ugh.

The end.