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4 SECRET Ways to Gain OnlyFans Subscribers

The stuff people don't want you to know.

By Hyper HomoPublished 4 years ago 3 min read
5

There is a delicious new trend going around lately, OnlyFans. Given our circumstances of being in a lockdown, people need to make money. I have an expensive lifestyle that I need to fund and so this seemed like the eaisest, fool-proof way to do it.

It was a Saturday evening, I was scrolling through Twitter, liking relatable quotes and listening to Selena Gomez, wondering if anyone will ever love me and if I will ever be able to buy the million pound house I have been staring at for days on Rightmove.

I checked my bank account, and saw nothing but negativity, quite literally, negative numbers.

With a diminishing overdraft and some pent-up sexual anger, I decided to create myself an OnlyFans. I had big dreams of becoming rich overnight, that boys would flock to my page and throw their money at me, like ferocious geeks at an Apple launch.

This is Tip #1: Have a catchy username

Now, I am not going to reveal the username I used, in fear of people looking at the disgraceful video of me and a tomato I posted on there moments ago. However, a catchy username is key to any success, anywhere. Think of something outside of the box, like a vegetable or a strange word, like pottery. That ought to draw them in. Potato Pottery, and suddenly you are making thousands each night. Happy potato.

After I had fished out my catchy username, I thought about how to promote my page, as I did think watching a potato do pottery, not a euphemism, and saying things like "watching that pottery wheel spin is making my skin hot" (most probably the 200 degree oven I am currently cooking the potato in).

I decided to promote on Twitter, and this is Tip #2: Use a plethora of hashtags to get yourself noticed.

Use hashtags like they are scented candles, PUT THEM EVERYWHERE.

I decided to use a variety of hashtags, to get myself seen by a wider group of people so I apologise if images of my peach have appeared in your Grandma's knitting group. That is not my problem.

With the hashtags in place and a few saucy videos uploaded, featuring my two stars: Ketchup and Mayonnaise. I decided to call it a night and check up on my balance in the morning.

I woke-up early on the Sunday, like a child on Christmas day, I was so excited to check my page and see how much I had made in the short few hours I had been asleep.

I unlocked my phone, logged into Onlyfans and then...

NOTHING.

I had made NOTHING overnight. I had barely any impressions on the tweets I had posted, for what I thought would be a very niché category. It's fair to say, I lost it a little bit at this point.

I was at breaking point, not even a bottle of Echo Falls Summer Berries could solve this. I was done. This brings me on to Tip #3: It doesn't happen overnight.

As I basked in the ambience of a cigarette and some Lana Del Rey, I faced the harsh reality that unless I had a peach like Kim Kardashian, or a stud muffin of a partner to film with, I was never going to make it.

In the storm of tears, I realised something. If I wanted to be popular and make money on this, I had to have something that made me stand out from the rest of them. Any gay man knows the best angles for booty shots and knows that if the camera is placed correctly, it adds a few inches.

I told myself to stop crying and think.

Then, it hit me. This is also tip #4: Stand out from the crowd.

I had my username, I had my niche, I just didn't have... well... me.

So, I did the only logical thing. Post a video of me covered in mayonnaise and ketchup. It did surprisingly well.

I hope you have found these tips helpful and if you want to make my day better, you can tip me ;)

The end.

advice
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About the Creator

Hyper Homo

Just your friendly neighbourhood hyperbolic homosexual.

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