The Projector Mama - The Journey Back to Thyself.

As the projector of my family, the one who guides and advises; in essence, the Kris Jenner of my family if you will. I know my role within my life, the community, the world, and most importantly, my family. I have been on a healing and self-discovery journey for the last 8/9 years and the one thing that remains constant in my healing journey is shedding the pains of childhood. Every time I feel like “ok, whew- we’re over that now”…. Here comes a damn situation, sent with hidden triggers. To me, if you can get triggered into the past by something, to the point it has the power to bring up old emotions and almost instantly alter your brain chemistry, then there’s still work to be done.

I used to hate the fact that I always felt healed, especially as life was good, stopped being around many people. Started living and doing for me - then I realised it’s easy to think you are healed, like properly healed when you aren’t faced with uncertainty or people from the past and are simply living in a bubble. The real test is when you’re faced with challenges, or when you might have to face those who have hurt you. Now, wait, don’t get me wrong, this is not about you rekindling old detrimental relationships or remaining in the places that broke you. Let me put it like this, you’ve gone back to your childhood home where for the most part it was toxic, you were dealt with unfairly and your parents are narcissists who really don’t care or how much they affected you despite you saying, despite how much you’ve said, done, yelled, cried. You name it.

But one day, after moving out and not visiting once in the last 8 months, you find yourself needing to go back for some important docs and letters - before leaving to go to your childhood home, you were fine. You were ok, talking to your friends and partner about the future and still on a high from your birthday baecation. It’s time to leave, your body slows down, is - is that anxiety? Your breathing becomes funny, heart is racing. Now, what in the world is this? You were just fine. You shake the feeling off, and make your way to your childhood home, as you get to the blocks, your legs quiver, soul feels like it’s ready to say its departure from you. All of a sudden every happy, cool, and collected atom leaves your body, you are filled with so much sadness, and heavy weight you can explain, but nothing could prepare you for the feelings that came as you walked through the door.

Was there a shift in dimensions? All of a sudden you are that younger version of you, that little girl that didn’t feel safe in her home, would do anything and everything for everyone, just so nobody could say she’d done anything bad that day or not done anything at all. What a feeling. The feeling is also consuming, all so real that you feel a panic attack coming on… but, WAIT, you thought you were healed, you thought those panic/anxiety attacks had left after leaving your childhood home and finding peace. Yet, here you are finding yourself swamped with a feeling of entrapment, sadness, grief, and unsettled. Why? Why was this happening? What could be the reason….

Well, there were so many reasons for why it happened but one thing that stood out, was the uncomfortable, unsettling feeling I felt returning to the place that first broke me, first taught me how to lack confidence in myself. The place where depression and suicidal thoughts were present. The place where I would go to sleep crying, and woke up crying. I realised you can heal and still feel everything as vividly as if it happened yesterday. And that’s when it came to me, although time may pass, healing and growth may take its course, the brain itself knows. Your subconscious remembers how you felt at 7, 10, and 16 when those major events happened that shifted your brain chemistry but left its permanent mark.

I knew then, I knew right then I wanted different for myself, for my children. I wanted their home, family home to be their safe place, safe haven. The first place they find their voice, their confidence. The first place they are taught to see themselves for who they are whilst drawing in their powers and strengthening their weaknesses with the help of mom and dad. I knew I wanted to know and honour my kids as they are, for who they are.

The story continues… 🤍