The Jealous Girlfriend

Every time I think of trying to describe the sensation of relationship jealousy, my mind automatically goes to the scene from Twilight when Edward is trying to explain how Bella’s smell shoots a sharp pain in his throat akin to a branding iron. I’d say that jealousy is a similar feeling, only it’s located in the chest. It comes on quickly and makes you feel it all over your chest, and especially close to your heart. It’s frequently matched by an equally painful throat closure and the feeling that your stomach is dropping, like you’re on a massive rollercoaster. In other words, it’s a mixture of anger and fear.

Like most girlfriends, I spend a lot of my time with my partner. When we spend time together, it’s usually fulfilling, relaxing, or just plain easy, which makes us happy. Pretty simple stuff, right? Sure, until it’s not.

There are instances when we spend time together and that pang in the chest, the closing of the throat, and the dropping of the stomach happens: when we see an attractive woman and I can notice that my partner is aware of her. Any instance that involves my partner, and attractive woman, and his attention being directed towards her makes me feel like running into a tow truck in one quick sprint. I feel like I’m running towards some sort of escape and the only thing I can do in that moment is shut down. I stop talking and physically responding. It can sometimes take hours to get me back to the status quo, and I usually only manage grunts and miscellaneous sounds as responses until then. Among the most common are the perpetually rearing “uh,” “mhm,” and “yeah.”

It took many years and two long-term relationships to see this in action. The great thing about the honeymoon period is that jealousy doesn’t really take its form, at least for me. I can spend 1-1.5 years enjoying the presence of my partner and feeling utterly calm (relatively speaking, what is calm anyways?). It’s great and hopeful and promising. Until it’s not.

Then, by some act of God or a naturally diminished sense of excitement in the relationship, the feeling (IT) rears its head again and starts to take over my mental faculties. I start to feel the searing pain in public, during outings with friends, and even while watching certain scenes in movies.

The issue isn’t in the emotion because everyone can feel jealousy from time to time, and in fact, it’s probably normal and expected; no, the issue lies in 1) its intensity and 2) its impact on my relationship. You can’t expect a couple to function normally if simple eye contact can cause a 2-hour long stonewalling episode.

There are many moments in time when you feel like jealousy is expected and probably can be predicted. It makes sense that these moments are just natural and have no real foundation in toxicity. This is true. But there is a barrier that can be crossed, which means that any innocuous jealousy starts to look like something much more insidious and corrosive to your relationship.

You want to isolate the differences so you know when the onus is on you to figure this shit out instead of chalking up incidents to “normal human behaviours” or “anybody else would have responded in the same way”. The reason why you need to be careful is because once you justify the behaviour, you’re not going to see a need to change it. And then, it’ll just keep on happening and ruin all the fun, positive moments you and your partner could be having.

Here's a comprehensive (I think) list of when it’s crossing that boundary into problematic and corrosive territory.

1. It happens a lot.

There’s something to be said about loving someone, but if you’re constantly on edge that they’re going to be looking at another human being that you can’t even walk into a grocery store, there is an issue there.

2. It happens a lot and you act on it.

Now, contrary to point number 1, if it were only happening a lot but it was a mild feeling that you could easily ignore, this may be Def-Con 5; however, if it’s happening a lot and it’s intruding into your daily life, you can’t stop thinking about it, and you act on it by telling your partner snide commentary or ignoring them, you’re moving into corrosive territory.

3. Your paranoid thinking is settling in and you just have no idea how to separate real threats to your relationship from non-threatening situations.

I don’t think much needs to be said about this. The minute an accidental head turn is being taken as a complete betrayal and you are convinced your partner is interested in his cousin, you have a problem. Paranoia is not nice to experience on either side of the equation, and this is a real issue.

But this is the beginning of the next chapter of our journeys: overcoming jealousy to allow our romantic relationships to prosper and enjoy being who we are. When you’re unclouded by the searing feeling, I bet even that attractive girl across the street can start looking like a friend.

Here’s to the journey, the transparency, the openness, and the growth.