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The Imaginary Arguments Your Woman Is Having In Her Head

And what you can do about it when you're dating a woman.

By Ellen "Jelly" McRaePublished about a year ago 7 min read
Image created on Canva

I hate cliches about women when they're in relationships.

When you watch those videos online about stereotypical women being secretly angry at their partners, I get annoyed.

No matter who creates these videos, by the way.

It makes us women look like we're unstable, irrational humans, who don't know how to communicate. Which, for the most part, is completely inaccurate.

But then we have our secret, imaginary arguments with the men in our life, and the whole world validates this cliche. I would like to say it's not true, but alas, as a culprit, I can't deny it.

Yes, men, we women have secret arguments with you in our heads.

Something happens between us and our partner, and the argument manifests. We stew, and we play out the argument as if it happened in real life. We go through the entire scenario, start to finish, without ever having uttered a word to you.

As someone who dates us, you might already know this. You might already know that your partner has these arguments. But what about?

Here's a list of the imaginary arguments your woman is having in her head, without you. And why she keeps these thoughts private.


By the way, there is no man-bashing going on here. There is no intention to criticise men or pass judgment on what you do. This is purely what goes through the head of a woman.

"Why won't you bloody listen to me?!"

There is a distinct difference between hearing what a woman says and listening.

Hearing means you have audibly heard what she has said, but listening means you've registered it. Retained the information. Done something about the information.

More often than not, a woman feels like a broken record because they've said something, and you haven't retained the information.

Women privately harbour this anger about listening because of one reason; they know you won't listen if they call you out. You won't remember all the times you haven't listened. There's no trusting anything will change even if they do say something.

If you didn't listen all those times before, why would now be any different? What's the point now?

"You haven't done what I asked you to do"

Not too far of a cry from not listening is not doing what a woman asks of you.

We hate this, in the same way, you hate it when you ask anyone to help you and they don't.

That's the problem in romantic relationships, the misconception of the question. Often we feel like a parent or a nag asking our partner to help us with something.

This is because can sound like that, especially when you've asked for the thirtieth time. We stop asking for help and instead make demands.

But that's what we're doing. Asking for help.

And we become internally frustrated when you constantly rebuff our attempts for teamwork. We end up bottling this frustration because we try to remember there are bigger issues to worry about.

Yet, constantly getting let down eventually explodes into something bigger.

"You haven't kept your promise"

When you're in a relationship, what you say you will do means everything.

It means more than if a friend said it to you, a co-worker, or a staff member you look after. The promise to do something, work on something, or be there when you need them, is more than a promise. It's like an oath.

Your agreement holds weight with us.

With such weight comes the plummeting feeling when you let us down. Though we try not to be "cry babies" about feeling let down, that's how it feels.

You've hurt us. It feels like a personal attack. It feels like you don't care about us.

That's why we don't say something, a lot of the time. We've had partners who brush away our feelings because it doesn't mean as much to them as it does to us. 

We don't want it to happen again.

"Why can't you read my mind?"

Women know you can't actually read our minds. But when you've been together long enough, you should be able to.

You should know what we're thinking about a situation that has happened twenty times before. You should know how we're feeling when something tragic happens.

You're a human after all. You have thoughts, feelings, and emotions that you know others do too. Why can't you apply that knowledge to us?

We often don't want to talk about this mind-reading idea because of how much it can backfire on us. Of course, you're not a mind reader, so feeling disappointed that you can't make us look irrational.

God forbid we're irrational about something else, even though we have a point.

"You offended me and you don't even know it"

This is mind reading 2.0. Saying things, doing things that offend a woman. And then walking away like you've done no wrong, despite how upset she may appear.

I don't need to tell you what those things are. You made fun of her weight. You poked fun at how she looks, walks, talks, and eats. 

You passed judgment on what she does for work. You told someone her secret. It's everything you would hate happening to you.

A woman isn't always going to point out how hurt she is when you've been blatantly rude.


Not only should you know how hurtful you've been (you're a human, remember?!), but she doesn't want to talk to you.

She doesn't want to talk to the person who is effectively bullying her. She has nothing to say to someone who can strike her down obliviously, and with such ease.

"You don't add the pieces up"

Probably one of the biggest internal frustrations for women is the way we say things, divulge our thoughts, and tell you what's going on, but you don't put the pieces together.

If we haven't said what we're thinking or feeling verbatim, you have no idea.

Do you ever have that moment where you've dropped enough hints but feel surprised no one has any clue what you're talking about?

And worse, it's about something you don't want to outright say?

This has been the only way you can articulate it and people still don't get it.

Annoying right?

Why do we keep this frustration inside? 

Talking about you not being able to add the pieces up means having to talk about this issue itself. 

And we don't always want to do that.

Stopping those arguments? I don't think so….

What do all these things have in common? Most of the arguments on this list can go one of two ways.

They can be extreme deal breakers for the relationship, worthy of breaking up over.

Or they can be something a woman can move past quickly, choosing to pick her battles for an issue that is truly problematic.

Often we don't know which direction they go in until something happens, an explosion within the relationship. That's when we know if it's something bigger or not.

So where does that leave you, men?

Well, in many ways, you can't change the internal arguments a woman has with you. We're going to do that anyway.

But what you can do is keep communication between her as open as possible so that she doesn't feel the need to internalise these issues.

If you're willing to talk and share any frustrations in a mature and civilised way, you won't need to guess what she's thinking. She will tell you instead.

This isn't all on you, by the way. But you do need to remember we've spent most of our lives programmed to internalise issues and accept what the partner does without argument.

We need your support to undo that.


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About the Creator

Ellen "Jelly" McRae

I’m here to use my wins and losses in #relationships as your cautionary tale | Writes 1LD; Cautionary tale #romance fiction |

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