The First Time I Felt Jealous- A Writing Challenge

I was in my fifth year of marriage, and I would like to forget it. I thought I was happy and believed everything was rosy. But in hindsight, the truth was that it had been declining since the day we married. We were not compatible. We were not on equal intellectual footing. We were not even from similar backgrounds.

WebTV made its appearance during our marriage. It marked the beginning of the world’s social decline. It was the first chat room experience anyone had readily consumed. It was a phenomenon.

It contained “rooms” where groups would gather to chat in real time in open forums. The feeds scrolled all day long, and people could comment and pick up conversations with anyone in the rooms. Each room had a name and a particular genre created by the creator. Anyone could have a chat room and create private, invite-only chat rooms. This made secret conversations possible, sometimes between smaller groups or one-on-one.

This is where the monster was nurtured, and it was the worst experience I have ever had with it. I have been jealous many times in my life. I think it’s more about covetousness, the want of something you don’t have but wish you did. But this was unadulterated jealousy.

My husband had his own login. I did not have the password for it, as he did for mine. That gave license to secrets.

Initially, I thought going online was just for fun. But when I noticed he was waking up in the middle of the night to get on the WebTV, the bloom fell off the rose. Reality hit. He was having secret, private conversations with women.

He once made the mistake of sitting in bed next to me while I slept, chatting with some woman. I woke up. He was unaware I had, lost in his intense conversation. What I saw made my heart hurt. It made me feel an ugly, unnerving sickness in my chest that fed a monster in my mind.

That monster wanted to keep this man for itself. It told me to hold on to him and fight this. It drove me insane for months. I would stay up at night to see if he would go online. I joined chatrooms under different names, trying to find out who he was talking to, but of course I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t access his account, either.

I didn’t know who he was talking to or saying the provocative things I had witnessed, and it made me angry, insane, and fearful. It was the beginning of the decline of my marriage, which lasted only 6 years.

I would follow him around when he didn’t know, trying to see if he was cheating. I looked at his cellphone to see what numbers he had stored. Nothing I did gave me the answers I needed. The only thing it did was perpetuate the angst and craziness of hanging on, which I should have let go of.

The marriage eventually deteriorated to the point that its demise was inevitable. He left and moved to another state with one of the women he had been chatting with. The woman became pregnant, and I was not going to hold on to that relationship. He was not mine any longer. This was a good thing.

I didn’t understand how this relationship had changed me, how it had distanced me from my family, friends, and myself. I gave things up so I wouldn’t overshadow him and his ego. I dumbed myself down for this man. And jealousy made me fight to keep what was only mine.

Jealousy is not my friend. It wanted something for me that was never meant for me. It made me do irrational things to protect something that was broken from the very first hello on a social media platform. Jealousy made me not me, but a version of me I did not like.

After the divorce, I vowed to myself never to enter a relationship where I would have to be jealous. The thing is, jealousy takes time to overcome. Even in a safe and secure relationship, it wants to stir up trouble. The ghost of jealousy haunted me for years, even into my current marriage. Every time there was unaccounted time missing from the norm with my husband, it would start whispering in my ear.

Love and time were the only cure. The longer you go without suspicion, the farther away jealousy moves from you. The longer love proves its commitment and loyalty to you, the harder it becomes for jealousy to whisper, until it no longer taunts you. I am content without it.

It can haunt someone else. I wanted my freedom and peace in my heart. I chose to disallow its influence. I am all the happier for it.

Let things go. If anything evades or leaves you, it was never meant to be. Be content that it was for the best. There is always something better. I have been married for 25 years to a fine man I respect. Better is always around the dark corners. Find it.

#Jealousy #humans #secrets #life #lifelessons #love

(Published by Pen With Paper on Medium, July 2026)

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