The dynamic between spouses, friends, and coworkers can sometimes conceal forms of subtle aggression.

I had dinner with a best friend a few days ago.

We talked about an extraordinary thing:

There are always some specific people in our lives. As long as we stay with them, we unconsciously feel we can't do anything well.

For example, I feel flustered whenever I stay with friend A and have low self-esteem.

One day, we made an appointment to go shopping together.

I went to the mall and tried on a short skirt. A glanced at it and blurted out: "Your legs are too thick! It doesn't fit." I looked at my legs awkwardly and finally gave up.

While having afternoon tea, she urged me: "You are so fat, don't order anything full of sugar." I felt uncomfortable after hearing this, but I still nodded.

Next, we went to test out some cosmetics. Amidst the hustle and bustle of the shopping mall, my companion, A, was a wealth of knowledge. He loudly and expertly analyzed my skin concerns, from enlarged pores to dull skin tone. Eventually, he helped me find a product that was perfect for me.

During my relationship with A, although she always reminded me and helped me, I still had mixed feelings in my heart:

She had a point;

It seems that I have a lot of questions;

I'm terrible at it.

I do my best to adapt every time we meet, but I still get caught off guard. She always seems to find new flaws, which is discouraging.

In real life, you may also feel this way, for example:

Parents who constantly point out the flaws in your life and make you doubt your ability to live a good life;

Forever condemning your partner for parenting issues and making you feel like a bad parent

We will subconsciously acknowledge them and then try to improve. Still, we often feel powerless because we cannot reach a point that satisfies them.

If you are like me, you have the same experience of feeling inferior and aggrieved.

Then this article is for you:

When you experience these pressures from someone or a group over a long period, it doesn't mean you're terrible.

You may have experienced interpersonal violence.

Everyone has shortcomings to one degree or another.

People around us sometimes point it out to us, which is understandable.

But interpersonal violence is often hidden in these little fingers, making it difficult to distinguish.

This epiphany came from a conversation between my sister and I.

I went on a trip with my friend A a few months ago. After we came back, I couldn't help but talk to my sister:

I chatted happily in Arabic with a foreigner who asked for directions. During this process, A was unhappy on the sidelines. I felt very strange, and when I asked after it was over, she said, "Your poor pronunciation embarrasses me."

During the rest of the trip, I consciously avoided chatting with foreigners. I even wondered, my accent was so severe, should I sign up for a speaking class?

After hearing this, my sister shook her head:

I've mentioned before that you have an accent problem, but why don't you feel so inferior and can still communicate happily with others?

Because I told you then that even though your accent has a slight flaw, it currently does not affect your communication with others.

If someone cares about your feelings, she will look at your shortcomings objectively, like me, and respectfully communicate with you.

Then I suddenly realized:

It's also about pointing out my shortcomings. Why is A the only one that makes me feel uncomfortable?

Because A seems to be good for me, but in fact, he keeps sending me messages such as "I am fat" (actually, I weigh less than 100 pounds), "I am ugly," and "I can't do anything well."

It can already be regarded as a kind of interpersonal violence.

So, I started thinking about the difference between "for your good" and "interpersonal violence."

Let me give you two examples from work:

Scene 1:

I made many mistakes at work today, and my boss found the problems one by one.

I was frustrated and took my colleague to the tea room for fresh air.

It happened that my boss passed by, and I immediately tensed up. As a result, he changed his seriousness and said with a smile: "Relax a little so that you can work better."

I feel relieved and can improve my future work with peace of mind.

Scene 2:

I handed in the report that I had compiled for a long time, and my boss singled out a small mistake and started scolding me: "What about your university degree? It's not as good as my elementary school education."

From that point forward, I was only requested to serve tea and pour water.

Once, when I handed him the water glass, he was on the phone. I dared not disturb him, so I held the water glass before him, waiting for orders.

As a result, he hung up the phone, glared at me, and told me in front of all my colleagues: "You are such a stubborn person."

Over a few months, things like this kept happening, and I felt exhausted and terrible.

Why can I regain my energy quickly in scene one?

I know my boss corrects me to improve my work, not to embarrass me personally.

Regarding scene two, my boss appeared to facilitate smooth work, but his malicious behavior, like humiliating me, was hidden. It has seriously degraded and negated my personality, making me worry and self-doubt all day.

To be precise, he gave me a poisonous injection called "interpersonal violence."

According to the characteristics of interpersonal violence, it can be summarized as the following four points:

① Acted with malice and no empathy

refuse to communicate with you;

Deliberately ostracizing you on various occasions;

attacks you personally;

Threatening and intimidating you into leaving.

② There are long-term and repeated signs of

Show up at least once a week;

Repeating the exact words or actions over and over again.

③ Dependence

Seize your weak spots and control you mentally;

They are taking advantage of unequal relationships to highlight oneself intentionally or unintentionally.

④ Good at "settling accounts after the fall."

After it becomes a consensus that you are "inferior,"

Use the past events to ridicule you without hesitation;

Further entrenchment of previously unequal forces.

French psychoanalyst Marie-France Yrigoyan believes:

Interpersonal violence is a form of emotional abuse.

The perpetrator destroys the victim's self-esteem through actions, words, actions, attitudes, etc., causing him to lose self-awareness.

In other words:

Don't treat you as a human being, isolate you emotionally, control your emotions, accuse you emotionally, etc.

In addition to superior-subordinate relationships, interpersonal violence is common in intimate relationships, family of origin, and peer relationships where people live together day and night.

The consequences of this invisible and advanced interpersonal violence include:

① Self-doubt and devaluation

In the movie "Wonderful West and East," Xu Bochang and Liu Shufen, a young couple, played piano together harmoniously.

After marriage, Teacher Xu treated his wife like air, hiding in the study daily and working hard to correct homework. The couple lived their own lives - this is essentially a kind of emotional isolation and a type of interpersonal violence.

Even if Liu Shufen broke Teacher Xu's cup, Teacher Xu would drink from his rice bowl rather than his wife's cup.

Repeated quarantines made Liu Shufen fall into self-doubt: Am I the worst person in the world?

Ultimately, she lost all hope and committed suicide by throwing herself into a well.

It reminds me of how I once doubted myself like Liu Shufen when faced with interpersonal violence from my boss:

Am I really that uncompetitive?

I'm so bad, how dare I change jobs?

What else can I do besides doing odd jobs? I can do nothing.

Even when I later joined a new company, I was still very nervous initially, lest I did something wrong and others would see that I was terrible.

When a perpetrator commits violence, he often does so in one of two ways.

One is to be inexplicably indifferent to you and keep the victim guessing:

What did I do wrong for him to do this to me?

The other is to repeatedly pick on your obvious shortcomings, forcing the victim to admit:

He's right, I suck.

No matter which one it is, the victim will eventually fall into deep suspicion and self-denial and even be trapped in this relationship for a long time without the courage to start a new relationship.

② Ambivalence: guilt and depression combined

When interpersonal violence is wrapped in the cloak of "for your good," it will cause people to have more complex negative emotions.

You will first feel a little unhappy, and then a strong sense of guilt will arise, suppressing all your unhappiness:

He did it for my good; how could I think that?

Over time, this discomfort that cannot be vented will accumulate in the heart and become a deep depression.

This Ambivalence is most vividly reflected in my relationship with A.

Friend A has controlled every aspect of my life for your good. As a result, I am reluctant every time she invites me to go shopping or travel.

Once this thought comes out, I will question myself: She is so good to me; how can I reject her?

This guilt forced me to go to appointments repeatedly, even though I felt powerless whenever I was around her.

During this process, guilt and depression took turns, making me highly conflicted.

③ Having doubts about relationships and avoiding all relationships

This situation usually happens to people who are subjected to group violence.

When a person is collectively excluded and isolated, as long as he receives relevant signals, he will trigger his panic.

So much so that he didn't dare to trust others easily and even ran away from all relationships to avoid harm.

Something happened in middle school that almost ruined my entire life: my roommate quietly made public a text message I had unintentionally made about another person.

Although I immediately apologized to the other party, I still couldn't stop the rumors from spreading to the whole class and even the entire school: How could she be such a morally corrupt person with such good grades?

As a result, my best friend distanced myself from me, and the eyes and words of my classmates in the corridor revealed a lot of disgust and malice. I couldn't sleep every night and didn't dare to get close to others.

Later, one time, a friend from the next class came over to greet me: "How are you doing recently?"

My reaction at that moment was:

What does it mean that he suddenly cares about me?

Doesn't he know about me?

Did he want to mock me as a morally corrupt person?

I suppressed the complicated thoughts in my heart and responded coldly: "It's okay."

In the eyes of ordinary people, this was just a simple statement of concern. Still, I felt he was laughing at me. I even wanted to attack me, so I immediately retreated and did not dare to tell him my suppressed feelings.

It wasn't until I entered college that I was slowly willing to open my heart to the unwavering kindness of the people around me.

People who have experienced interpersonal violence can easily assume that a pattern of overload is the norm.

But we still cannot deny that it is human nature to pursue happiness and happiness in our hearts.

So, how do we deal with the trauma of interpersonal violence?

1. Recognize that interpersonal violence is unconscionable

In the movie "Young You," Chen Nian, played by Zhou Dongyu, was beaten, shaved, stripped, and videotaped by "school bully" Wei Lai more than once.

Why did Chen Nian become the target of public criticism?

Out of kindness, she put a coat on another girl being bullied. Still, like everyone who is ignored, accused, and controlled, she bears the responsibility for the unfounded fault.

This kind of violence may be due to the unconsciousness of a herd mentality or the evil of human nature itself.

The interpersonal violence caused by this kind of "evil" is unreasonable and makes no sense.

Like Chen Nian's action or my shortcoming, does it prove that we are bad enough to be bullied?

The answer is, of course, no.

Only by realizing the irrationality of this kind of violence can we break out of the cycle of self-doubt, guilt, depression, and despair and truly live our lives.

2. Leave directly

American writer Joan Didion wrote:

When you realize your inner value, it is possible to have everything: to distinguish right from wrong, to dare to love, and to dare to be indifferent.

Therefore, we can remain indifferent in certain interpersonal relationships.

When we encounter interpersonal violence, the best strategy is to ignore or leave.

A psychology book called "Don't Control Me" mentions a story:

A friend went to have coffee.

Someone said to her, "Smile."

She continued drinking coffee.

The man said, "Smile."

She said to the man, "What did you say?"

The man said, "Smile."

She said, "What did you say?"

The man fled.

The "she" in the story confronts "that person" by ignoring him, making him realize that his emotional control is useless to her.

In this case, things will calm down quickly: because he can't find anyone to "fight," he will have to give up.

In interpersonal violence, when we see the other person's intentional harm and disagree with the other person, their pressure and words will no longer have power. On the contrary, they will respect you and put you on an equal footing to think.

3. Build a support system

When we encounter interpersonal violence, we feel extremely weak and unable to fight back.

If the situation is serious, but you do not resist, the abuser will usually think you are cooperating with him.

We need a more potent force to smash this vicious circle: your friends, parents, teachers, or even the judicial authorities.

As long as they think you will not be treated like this and have been firmly supporting and identifying with you, you can rely on this strength to help you.

I have also doubted whether it is because my personality is too weak that I always encounter this kind of thing.

But once I realized the randomness of interpersonal violence and the herd mentality, I stopped attacking myself.

Suppose there is a relationship that makes me feel uncomfortable for a long time. In that case, I am willing to resolve and communicate with the other party, but that does not mean I must maintain it unconditionally.

If you are also trapped in it, I hope this article can make you realize the nature of "interpersonal violence," become your armor, dispel your self-doubt, and give you the strength to leave, resist, fight back, or reconcile.

We don't have to regret our past experiences. Still, we should be grateful for ourselves, who continue to explore and become stronger through these experiences.

Good luck.