The Death of You

So many feelings that death feels near. So many emotions and yet nothing is clear. You see all the love but don't understand it, you want to blame yourself because you're older and should have experienced it. Life goes on and you still go through nothing, thinking you have to force things just to feel it. You wonder if you see for yourself what it truly feels like, and yet you find pain and misery in what it means to love me.

Heartbreak and trauma remind me of loss. The experiences you go through feel lackluster or not enough. What was supposed to feel like beauty and love? Has it been tortured with illusions and fear? You try to hear the sounds of beauty without pain, confronted by hatred and battling restraint.

Fear of Abandonment

What happens when you meet people? You find common ground and with enough interest, you decide to make a foundation. You make a conscious effort to get to know them. With each encounter, you learn things that keep you interested while planning future events. With each event you partake in, you slowly need to see them again. You think about them and the future you can make with them. With rose-colored eyes, you see nothing but pleasure and joy as you continue to venture and embark on the combination of the both of you. 

Fear of abandonment with all its dark essence, you do whatever it takes to keep them in your presence. Jealousy takes over as you see them with one another. Putting things into question, you try to make sense of the things that make you feel anything less than. You go through your head thinking if what you are going through is normal. You wonder if it is all worth it and why the feelings you are feeling now, are just surfacing. Traveling through your timeline with this person, you try to find the moment. That moment when the first red flag was waved. The sign that should have told you to be careful. Those early moments where you should be paying attention rather than falling and feeling. 

Getting so close that losing them feels like dying. The routine to see, hear or talk to them becomes part of your everyday. Validating and expressing love and care so it feels complete. You cherish the moments and times you have with each other because, in the end, that's all you want, or at least, that is what you tell yourself. You convince yourself that this is what it means to feel. This is what it is to be loved. You fear that you will lose it all. You fear that all the work that you put into being with this person, the vulnerability along with the sacrifices. 

The constant thoughts that run through your head about them. You fight yourself not to let it all out at once because you fear you will lose them. Focusing on keeping the routine you do just that, keep the routine. 

Dark Side of Emotions

Emotions start to build as you wonder what they might think or do next. You feel so much hurt that you fight your tears. You hide your truth from it all because it hurts too much to admit it to yourself. You lose sight of yourself and your emotions. Falling from grace, you start to imagine if you have a foundation anymore.

You think of the ones you trust the most and who you go to that can save you from falling into despair. You remember the circles and the loops you have put them through and the mental pain that they have to endure. The love and care they feel, only to hear you feel despair and hurt still. 

Advice and knowledge you earn throughout it all, only to end up in the cycle that stems from childhood. The death of you to start over, death to all that influenced the sorrows. Waking up so up and high, you think it all went away and it was just a dream. You feel happy and healthy with loved ones nearby hoping they won't leave.

The feeling is so short with such pity, that your mind races as your emotions take over. Your friend questions your intent. The darkness and the cycle that is on loop. They tell you if it's all an act, or maybe it's your actual truth. They wonder if the person they used to know is still in there. Wondering if there's a way to get them back. You wear a piece of the past, to remind you of a love that once was there, constantly searching validation when the one to validate is you and no one. 

Gratitude

With all of this pain, you feel like the death of you (or me) is what becomes of the pain and torture you feel is present. You hear all the ways to feel. Searching for answers to make sense of the life you have lived, you see solutions that don't stick. You see the beautiful chaos of life that holds everyone back.

Having guards up and shielding everyone from their truths. Being compared to others to make you feel normal becomes a match to a flame. A flame that is set to explode through evening hate. Looking for answers where you have to lie in your self hate. Surrounded by mirrors to see what you don’t want to say. Constantly listening to music to help you cope with the voices inside, you come across a word that is said to only bring weight the more it's practiced. Through the pain and mental torture, you escape the core of your sadness.

Gratitude changes the script on who becomes the main character. Gratitude forces you to think of the good. Gratitude allows you to think of the achievements rather than the things that make you bleed. The envy and jealousy become smaller as you find gratefulness in what you gain from it. The lonely feeling gets overshadowed by the ones you are grateful for.

You check the people who stay and the things you have, and slowly over time, the weight of the word becomes heavier to the point where sorrows and our pain are not just manageable but smaller than it all. Gratitude helps to feel yourself because you can breathe with hope and love that is already there. Can gratitude be the one that heals all mental wounds? There is only one way to find out.