THE BANANA LADY

* note: The following is a true story, with the real-life names of people involved changed. *

The year was 2011. I had just gotten my license & became street legal. Though able to drive, I was still very young & nervous about being responsible for other peoples' safety in my car.

They say fear behind the wheel is a good thing, that it keeps you alert & safe. I thought my fear would be enough. Apparently, I thought wrong. For that night, I made a terrible mistake.

It was me, my step father Jed, his daughter Jennifer, & my girlfriend Sally at the time, traveling to Walmart for what I remember to be just your average everyday grocery shopping trip. I went to park my black Grand Prix behind a very plain-looking van. Upon parking, Jed pointed out that there was a closer space that I should take instead towards the front of the store. So, I backed out of the spot behind the van, & parked closer, passing by a cop car parked not far from us on the other side of the parking lane. We went in to shop & all seemed well.

As we left the store, & approached my car, there she stood, The Banana Lady. An African American woman, about 6 ft. tall, in what can only be described as a flamboyant yellow dress coat & yellow crescent hat that made her look like a banana, waited near my car as we neared closer. I was about to crack a joke about her ripe-like appearance, but then she began to speak to us, in the thickest accent I've ever heard.

The Banana Lady: "Is this your car?"

Me: "Huh?"

The Banana Lady: "If this is your car, you're not going to move it!"

Jed: "Excuse me?"

The Banana Lady: "YOU HIT MY VAN!"

*silence*

The Banana Lady: "You hit my van, & my daughter was inside! My 15 year old daughter was inside!"

My stomach dropped. My mind flashed back to that simple moment where I switched parking places. I knew, & Jed knew, that whilst entering the first space, I had just barely dinged the van in front of us, specifically the van's back bumper. No damage was done, so neither of us really paid any mind to it, & we moved on with the night. Yet, there we were, with an angry fruit woman screaming in our faces about it now.

Jed: "Now, hold on a minute."

The Banana Lady: "I called the cops! The cops are on their way! I don't know why I called the cops, but my husband told me to call the cops! But, you hit my van, & my daughter was inside!"

Jed: "Pardon me ma'am, but where is your husband?"

The Banana Lady: "He's not here! I talk to him on the phone! He told me to call cops! I do not know why, but you hit my van with my daughter inside! My fifteen year old daughter!"

Jed: "Okay, let me explain what happened."

Jed went on to describe the initial situation to this animated piece of produce, along with the fact that everything should be fine, no damage done.

The Banana Lady: "No! You do not understand! You hit my van! My daughter was inside! My fifteen year old daughter was inside!"

She wouldn't let up, & she kept making it a point that her fifteen year old daughter was inside, every time. The situation was so ridiculous. How was I supposed to know someone was in the van? I wasn't paying any mind to slightly touching it, let alone who was in it, but I was still very much in fear of the outcome of this whole thing. I finally got my license & here this lady was, ready to ruin everything because of a very small mistake.

Jed: "Listen, lady. We don't want any trouble, & again, there's no damage to the van. Look, he just got his license, & all he did was tap it."

The Banana Lady: "No! You hit my van! My daughter said so! She said you HIT,...and YOU RUN!"

Jed: "Oh, for God's sake."

The Banana Lady: "You HIT, & YOU RUN! You hit my van with my fifteen year old daughter inside! The cops are on the way & you are not going to move!"

The woman spoke to her husband on the phone while we waited for the authorities. Just then, a cop arrived. Ironically, it wasn't the cops she called though. It was the cop who owned the car we passed on the way into the store. He was off duty, & with his family after shopping themselves.

Jed: "Ah, just the person we need! Excuse me, sir! I hate to bother you off-duty, but...."

The officer looked to us, puzzled. His wife & kids were nervous. I would be too with what appeared to be a giant monster of potassium talking on the phone in the background, giving angry looks. Jed politely went over everything with the officer.

Jed: "Again, I really hate to bother you while you like this with your family, but don't you think this is a little crazy & that we should be free to go?"

Officer Off-Duty: "No, man. I understand. I can't really do anything about it, being off the clock. In my opinion though, you should be good to go, but if the cops haven't gotten here yet, you really should wait it out & talk to them. They should understand. I've gotta get going though with my family here."

Jed: "Okay, yeah. I understand. Thank you much. Have a good night."

Officer Off-Duty: "You too."

He left with his family. The officer's words made me feel more comfortable about where things were headed though, as I also chuckled at the ironic sight of him carrying a grocery bag of bananas. At least somebody was going to enjoy one that night. Meanwhile, we were stuck there with what was essentially Fruity Big Bird.

Jed: "Okay, I guess we're waiting."

The girls & I were just quiet, mumbling things to each other about the the situation in fear, slight laughter, & frustration. We waited while Jed continued to listen to the yellow monstrosity's repetitive complaints.

The Banana Lady: "YOU HIT MY VAN! MY FIFTEEN YEAR OLD DAUGHTER WAS INSIDE! YOU HIT & YOU RUN! MY DAUGHTER WAS INSIDE THE VAN!"

Jed: " *sigh* "

The on-duty police officer finally arrived.

Officer On-Duty: "Now, what seems to be the problem here, folks?"

Jed began to calmly, yet bitterly explain what happened to the officer. Can you guess what Mother-Of-The-Year did?

The Banana Lady: "YOU HIT MY VAN & MY DAUGHTER WAS - "

Officer On-Duty: "Alright. Everybody just calm down."

The Banana Lady: "He hit my van. My fifteen year-old daughter was inside."

You think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not. This is all she kept saying. The officer looked to us.

Officer On-Duty: "Please, you guys just wait here. I'm gonna go talk to the daughter & check for damages. I'll be right back. Sit tight."

Jed: "Alright."

The officer walked over to the van with The Banana Lady as she continued to proclaim her anger about her fifteen year old daughter. We waited about five minutes by my car, just in awe of how insane this all was. The officer returned, alone, no nanners in sight.

Officer On-Duty: "Alright. Well, it doesn't look like there's any damage to the van at all. So, you're all good there."

Jed: "Okay, so does that mean we're free to go?"

Officer On-Duty: "Well,...the daughter's claiming to have whiplash."

My heart skipped a beat. This was it. My driving career was over. Jed threw his arms up in disbelief.

Jed: "ARE YOU SERIOUS?"

Officer On-Duty: "Nah. I'm just fucking with ya. Hahahahaha. You're all good, man. She's leaving with her fifteen year old daughter now."

Jed laughed. The officer laughed. We all laughed & sighed of relief. Jed shook the officer's hand as we watched the van drive away. That was the last we ever saw of The Banana Lady. To this day, I still can't peel a banana without thinking about the time that I peeled out of that parking space. I hit her van, her fifteen year old daughter was inside, & I'll never forget it.