Survivors, Not Superhero's

Everyone comes along with baggage. Some suitcases are lighter, easier to unpack-other's never manage to unpack their trauma. I like writing about mine because I feel as if I can help other people go through theirs.

I remember stealing some of my mom's cigarettes and hiding on top of the bales smoking them listening to Pierce the Veil's, Hold on Till May because I wanted to end my life. My birthday is in May. I kept telling myself if things didn't get better I would end it. I always was a little pessimistic I guess. Looking back at that time in my life- it was the people that I chose to surround myself with that influenced the way I felt. School was my safe space, everything at home sucked.

She sits up high, surrounded by the sun . One million branches and she loves every one . Mom and dad, did you search for me? I've been up here so long, I'm going crazy

When my parents decided to get a divorce, I was thrilled. I hated living on my dad's farm. I wasn't much of a farm girl. Obviously. I could have set the whole farm on fire with the flick of a cigarette.

After that, life got better. I started dating again, I wasn't contemplating my life anymore. My dad and I didn't have much of a relationship as I became my mom's therapist and I got told everything about their divorce.

Her first boyfriend after the divorce led to some unresolved feelings for myself and my younger two brothers who clearly loved their dad.

He came swooping in with flowers and ice cream dates. He was probably the most manipulative man I have ever met. When they broke up, she didn't even tell me. He did by sending me a Facebook message pretty much blaming me for their break-up. He approached it in a nice way but I was a sixteen year old. I went upstairs after and walked into her bedroom asking if they broke up. She asked me how I knew and I showed her the message.

Obviously if you have read any of my writing, it did not fix our issues. If anything going back to this period in my life revealed them to me ever so clearly.

I love my mom. But she always chose the men in her life over me. That's it plain and simple. Even my step-dad and brothers- she chose them over me until finally they got a divorce. She sure can pick them that's for sure.

I used to ask to be sent to boarding school when I was a child. I didn't understand why back then but I wanted out of the house so badly. Now I do. I should have been given up for adoption. She never loved me. She just raised me because she had no choice. As a mother who loves her children so dearly, I never will understand. As her daughter, I do. She never wanted me, she just wanted her life back and I stole that from her at a young age.

My children are my everything- my reason for breathing, my purpose. I love different things about each one of them and I am so grateful to be their mother. It's crazy how much someone can mean to you.

I take my mental health quite seriously and have for a few years. From reading self-help books to counselling to seeking psychiatric help- I've been through it all. The COVID pandemic was quite rough on me- sometimes I forget that quarantine is over and I don't have to isolate myself anymore.

I'll never forget the quote, "Survivors, Not Superhero's" when I was in the midst of a huge transition. I was losing friends and family left and right. But my partner read me this quote from Facebook a few years back and it stuck with me. I started doodling the quote within my art journal.

When stories are shared in safe places, shame dies. However I feel like I am shrouded in shame living in my small town because of my mother. I feel eyes watching my every move. I just want to move and create a new life for myself and my children but I know my past will follow me no matter where I go.

Maybe one day, I'll get "Survivors, not Superhero's" tattooed. Because my children and I are survivors of the COVID pandemic.

Chloe Rose Violet 🌹