Stop Feeling Offended By A Man Who Farts

Ew. 

Yuck. 

Gross. 

He farted, what kind of animal is he?!

Oh please. I'm giving you the metaphorical eye roll right now. It's one of that nasty female-to-male relationship cliches that happens to be quite true. 

And prevalent amongst the established and way-too-comfortable relationships.

Despite all that we know about the world, and all the things we have to rightly worry about, women still get on their high horse about farting.

And if I had my way, we would quit being so nasally precious about the idea. To the women who object to their men farting, it's time to reevaluate your stance.

Here's why.

You know farting is normal right?

I have heard female friends of mine chastise their male partners for farting, demanding they stop. 

They tell him, "stop farting." 

They're being genuine about this request, too. 

If you haven't heard a female say this to a man, I want to be where you are. You live in the real world where women have their heads screwed on right.

I've always laughed at this request because it's one of the most useless requests known in romantic relationships.

Men can't change the need or ability to fart.

Even if they clench, squeeze, and swallow that fart back into their body with all their might, they will still need to fart. Again. And again. Until the day they die.

They fart just like you. They experience the need, that rumbling lower stomach grumbles that indicates a fart's needed as you do. They have gas that needs to come out. They have physical reactions to food like every normal human being does.

And the moment you tell me you don't fart or need to fart, at all, is the moment I tell you to see a doctor. 

Because there's something wrong with you. You're not human to not pass gas, at all or ever. Or you're a liar. Or in complete denial.

Now don't get me started on gas as a result of food intolerances or medical issues. 

For some people, gas is unavoidable. It's like asking them not to breathe. And for some, you're making it like they're a freak with offensive behaviour they can control but choose not to.

If we want to take it to an extreme, it's body shaming. You wouldn't want your partner to ask you to stop doing something you can't control.

Imagine if a man asked us not to have our periods, you would dump him right?

Asking them to stop farting in front of you?

Ok, so they can't turn off their biological functions, but they don't have to do it in front of you, right?

Well, whilst you think that's a fair request, it's equally as irrational as asking the man not to fart at all. It's a request that sets them up to fail.

As much as they can try to wait until you're not around, or leave the room, they will slip up. 

They will fart in their sleep. They will let one rip when they don't realise you're there. 

At a moment when they feel too comfortable, they will violate the promise because that's what the body does.

Keeping this promise challenges them minute by minute, day by day. With such a challenge, it makes it easy for them to slip up.

What about the excessive farter?

There are always people in life who take things too far. You feel like the man in your life farts on purpose. Or he is doing these loud and obnoxiously stinky farts to annoy you.

As someone who farts yourself, you should know first hand there is so much about the farting process one can control. You have some flexibility over the sound. 

But as for the smell? 

Unless you have a rigid diet backed by medical help and control 100% of everything you eat, the smell is not always in your control.

And if your partner is someone who takes it to the extreme, like farts on you for example, that is something you can object to. Asking them not to fart on you is not an unreasonable request. 

It's not unreasonable to help them seek medical help if you believe their farting isn't normal.

But you can't be extreme in your reaction to something that's normal. That makes you as bad as the excessive farter you take issue with.

What doesn't help is me

Or, should I say, women like me. I'm a farter; I will openly admit to farting. I'm a human, after all.

And I couldn't care less if someone farts around me. The noise doesn't disturb me, and the smell is part of life. There are worse smells, there are worse bodily functions, and there are worse things a partner could do to me.

I would take a farter over a physically abusive partner any day. Perspective people, perspective. It could be worse.

And not to say that you feel grateful things aren't worse. Your problems are genuine problems. 

Yet, in relationships, the old saying "pick your battles" has never been more true.

If your partner is kind, loving, make you laugh, and treats you well, who cares if he farts in front of you? 

The perfect partner doesn't exist. 

And if farting is his flaw, albeit human, you're a lucky one.

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