series of journal entries

11/21

This weekend was better than the last. I have been working out and putting my mental health first, more consistently. I have definitely seen some changes for the better and it makes me happy. Some days are obviously better than others but the good days have been outweighting the bad.

The holiday season is coming and I am so excited to see my family. It feels strange getting older and seeing your family less and less. I can still feel my younger self beside me but also someone new coming to light. It is crazy to me that my younger self wanted any chance to get away from my family and find another version of myself and now I grab any chance that I have to spend with them. How did I avoid them for so long. I was so unappreciative. Now I understand, what my family means to me.

Quaratine was crazy but on the brightside, I got to spend so much time with my family. It was honestly, really fun. I enjoyed it so much and am so grateful for it. I think that is why moving out has made me so sad. I know this is something that I needed to do but I miss them a lot. My friends that live near me make it a lot easier but I still miss them.

I went from seeing them everyday to barely once a month sometimes. The winter is rolling around and I not exactly looking forward to it. I think the snow is so pretty but the temperture where I live is terrible. Now like any phase in life, we go through hard times so we can appreciate the good times but at some point in life... does it all mellow out?

11/26

Thanksgiving weekend... something that I always look forward to. This year it was so good. This year I went to my mom's side of the family and it was better than expected. It was one of best thanksgiving parties... in a very long time. There were always problems around the holidays and this year (on my mom's side) things went so damn well.

We all ate dinner in the same room. We all had dessert in the same room. We all played charades in the SAME room. It was almost like we were kids again. It was great, the last time we had done that was maybe when I was 12.

Back when we would play spies upstairs and whisper on the stair case thinking our parents couldn't hear up two feet away. Back when our only worry was when grandma was bringing out the pie. Back when all 6 kids could fit on the couch. Back when no one had a significant other...

Don't get me wrong, I love all the new additions to our family but I do miss simpler times.

It is probably an insecurity that I am trying to work on. But it makes me feel like I am behind in life. As if my life is slowing down and I have not gone anywhere. Hopefully life will take its course and I will feel some sort of an accomplishment.

Totally off topic but, I feel like I am drifting farther and farther away from my sister. I hate it, I hate it so much. We call each other sometimes but it is almost as if we do not talk about anything. It is so strange, like we are sisters but that is it. We aren't actually friends. Maybe it will get better over time but who knows. That's for another time...