Journal entry #4

I have been thinking about you a lot lately...

Not completely sure why

I wonder how we got so deep but never made it stick

Commitment seemed to scare us both

I wonder why I wasnt good enough to be with you...

This was a level for friendship I had not had before

it was different

and you knew that

did you take advantage?

I am not sure

It is something I definitely think about

I wonder if the things we did meant as much to you as they did to me

It seems as only, if I cared more about the friendship than you did

I cherished it more than you did

but why

You were always chasing things that wouldn't chase you

It was so confusing

You cared too much about what people thought and I couldn't stand that

It almost consumed you some nights

I wonder how you are now

I texted you drunkenly and you didn't even ask how I was doing...

It shocked me but also confirmed to me that I should let you go

I was so surprised but I kind of wasn't

Maybe you never knew how I felt

and just let it slide because you did not feel the same

Maybe you thought since I treated you how you treated me, that I didn't have feelings but I did

I still wonder why you introduced yourself to my dad... my family

You knew how much family meant to me...

and you did it anyways

we were "just friends"

Why would you do that, if our "friendship" meant nothing?

Why would you do that If 'I' meant nothing?

Still wonder if your friends didn't give you so much crap, if we would have took our relationship further

it is kind of stupid to think about but I cant stop

The one time we did, you cowered away so quickly it stunned me

It made me realize that I couldn't trust you anymore

It broke my heart a little bit

The behaviors slowly dwindled but then the next year they came back

I just wonder why you would call me every summer... "just to check in" or call me to "catch up" or the worst part was calling me drunk to talk on the phone at 2am to talk about life...

I will always wonder but I have been working on letting it all go

I had to delete you on social media because I could not stand the fakeness anymore

Some of the things that you post, are not you...

It sickens me and maybe you have changed which is fine but it's hard to see you be this way...

Once you left the team, it made me so upset but the biggest thing was that you loved that sport but you wanted to follow your friends

It made me tear up when you told me

I think its more of a see you later, than good bye

If we are meant to be friends again then so be it

If we are meant to never cross paths again I will be baffled because we were so close and one day it just ended, no rhyme or reason, just gone

I remember seeing you at graduation and it was hard pill to swallow because we went from strangers to teammates to friends to best friends and then strangers again...

It was so sad

It is so sad seeing friendships end but sometimes it necessary

Every friendship that I have made, throughout my life holds a special place in my heart and it always will