Journal entry #3

First day in my new apartment and I am freaking out. It is so scary but it feels so right. I want to move on with my life and get some *stuff* together. I was not in a good place a couple months ago and I knew I had to get out or else it would get worse...

My old job was very toxic and I just felt like a robot. I don't know if anyone else can relate but I couldn't even eat lunch... at my old job. It was frowned upon to leave your desk... I am not being dramatic in any sense... It was terrible.

How is it okay to be in that environment for anyone? I would ask people when they were going to lunch and they would say, "I don't have time for lunch..."

What the HECK...

I lost so much weight at that job, it was a baffling. I went on family trip; everyone was saying how great I looked and how much weight I lost. I just smiled and said, "thank you." It was kind of sad because deep down, no one really knew what I was going through.

I quit my job about 2 months ago. I do not regret it, no matter how many generation X's say I made the wrong decision. To this day, it still gives me so much anxiety... I had stress dreams for the first months. I kept thinking I was doing the wrong thing and I would wake up sweating.

Now my grandparents generation says, "Make sure you get another job before you leave your old one." As they are wagging their finger in your face...

I get it everyone has been through a lot in their lives and most people are just trying to help but some people like to push their own fears onto you.

I was just thinking, it cannot get any worse than the situation that i am in right now.

I miss working out and eating at normal times. I hate not being able to take a two second break

Quick update for my two readers that like my journal updates

Things are going okay, I like how I have my own space and I can do my own thing during the week.

But it gets very exhausted to have someone who emotionally drains you all the time. Someone who is always emotional about things and you just want to have a good day and be happy. Yeah that sh*t gets old.

There is a different between being there for friend and friend constantly taking and taking things from you. Plus, never asking you how you are doing either...

It gets exhausting for the other person, who is always listening and never being asked how they are doing.

You cannot expect someone to not get annoyed or go crazy

BUT

My anxiety has been through the roof and its tough to learning out to cope with it. I never had anxiety this bad until I graduated college.

IT is really tough trying to find your place in this world.

Am I making the right decision?

Will my parents be disappointed in me if I go this path?

What field should I be going into?

These are questions and million more than go through my head when I am looking for a new job.

Random thoughts... sorry in advance...

Why do people think its okay to take and take and take and never ask someone how they are doing ever...?

That is not a good friend...

If you want to be treated a certain way, you need to be able to reciprocate that, when your friend needs you as well...

I understand that everyone has things going on in their lives but at some point that shit lets up or you need to own up to the shit that you are doing, and say sorry for being a bad friend.

When you are constantly making excuses, how do you expect someone to believe you later on down the road?

When you get some unsettling news... what do you do...

Do you freak out and run away?

Do you just go to sleep and try to wake up when it is over?

Sometimes, I tend to eat everything in site and just put a good TV show on?

I have cried in the past but it is not my go to coping mechanism...

A lot of the times, I tend to run away and blast music in my car hoping all my problems will magical be gone when I get home...

I like turning on my favorite movie and watching it until I fall asleep.

Back in college, when I was home sick I would turn on my favorite movie and then watch it until I fell asleep.

College went by way too fast and I wish I would have formulated a plan of some point as to what I was going to do after college.

I thought that sh*t was going to last forever and never end

But little did I know, college does end...

I still hung out with friends and went out to bars in my free time but it wasnt the same...

I missed waking up for morning practice... (did I just say that...)

YES, I missed waking up and having somewhere to go, that I enjoyed...

I miss having somewhere or something to go to and enjoy,

I am still searching for something in life that makes me happy...

It might take time but I am up for the challenge...