Save Me/Let Me Save You

-I hate you!

*I understand.

-I don’t really hate you, its just that sometimes I can’t deal with you and I don’t know why you behave the way you do.

*I want to change but there is something stopping me from doing it. Is like an external force that make me the way I am.

-I still don’t understand. How hard can it be to make a little effort and improve your behavior?

*I try, believe me. I really try.

-Sometimes I think you are not worth it, I want to quit on you sometimes. You want to improve your drawings, but you don’t take the time to practice, same thing with the guitar. How do you think you will improve if you keep wasting time on social media and watching stupid videos.

*You know I work hard and after I come home from work, I have to do some things too. After that I just want to sit and watch TV.

-You need to learn how to manage your time, make a schedule and stick to it. Don’t make excuses don’t . . .

*STOP!

-Don’t you fucking cry!

*I SAID STOP! I’m trying and all you do is criticize me, I’m doing my best, but I get tired. You know how hard it is to try your best and it goes wrong. I always try to exceed myself for others, at home, at work and the first thing I hear what I did wrong. You know how it affects me.

-Yeah, I know, sometimes you end up hitting me.

*Yes, I’m sorry, that’s another thing I don’t want to do. I don’t want to hurt you and you know how sorry I feel after doing it.

-You need to control your anger, it affects you and everyone around you.

*I know, I need help. I envy those people that are not angry all the time, that nothing faces them it’s like they are living on easy mode.

-I want to help you

*I need you to help me.

-You know that I think you are great in other aspects, you are smart, you are . . .

*Smart? Sometimes I feel like I’m retarded, how can I make the fucking mistakes I make, is like I don’t have a brain at all.

-You are smart, you know a lot of people say that about you. You are so perceptive in all aspect, people call you the walking encyclopedia, you always guess the plots of the hardest plots on movies. You can draw, you can play guitar, you know more than two languages.

*I am an idiot, there are millions of people that do that and more, and they are better at it.

-I’ve noticed that you compare yourself to others a lot, and I understand, but focus on yourself, focus on being the better you.

*I want to, but like I said, there is something holding me back, I procrastinate a lot and I don’t want to procrastinate. I want to do so many things I want to do it all, but . . .

-That’s what I hate about you, you limit yourself while others envy what you are capable of.

*I KNOW THAT!

-And you started crying again.

*Of course I’m crying, I’m angry I want to explode I want to be a better person, I want to improve myself but I get so frustrated every time I make a stupid mistake or every time I do everything right and things wont go the way I want to. I wish I didn’t feel this way, but I can’t help it. But I always let us down.

-I have thought about getting professional help for us. I don’t know how to start.

*I/we need saving

-I want to save you

*I want to save you

-*I want you/me to save you/me

The mirror is stained but I can see myself crying and smiling, the discussion me and myself had was productive. Tomorrow is another day when I can try to be a better person.