Retrieval

Blame is such a serious accusation. In a court of law, it requires evidence when seeking an indictment or conviction. It can be cruel, relentless, and can even precipitate wars. Blame is often misplaced and sometimes displaced in a thinly veiled, manipulative way. I think that for us, it was a great deal of all these things - and more - blended into one colossal, combustible bomb.

I tried really hard not to blame you for the anger you felt and also exhibited, but I had constructed a wall of my own and it was difficult to see beyond my own anger. I didn’t think you ever truly loved me, after all. Instead, I felt I was something of a façade in your well-built, superficial life, existing only when I was compliant, like a puppet on a string.

Then again, my guiding conscience knows that my final atrocious behavior deserved your wrath – deserved the hard, cold force of judgment shoved down my throat. Still, didn’t you know? Weren't you at all aware? It wasn’t as though I didn’t punish myself more than enough. I beat myself up repeatedly and was far harder on me than you ever could have been. I did know the difference between wrong and right, and I knew I'd been wrong.

I didn’t blame you – I really didn’t. There was no ulterior motive, no intention on my part to hurt you or tarnish your indignant pride. I was just so damn lonely, day after day, week after week, month after month, until the years passed and I wondered if I’d ever feel alive again. My spirit felt old and withered, abandoned in the perpetual struggle of our marriage. All my efforts felt futile, disparaged, and I truly thought I might die. The need for affection became a palpable, tangible thing, growing inside me like a cancer - a volcano preparing to erupt. I never would have guessed I could succumb to such temptation, but I guess I’m more human than I ever thought. More human than anyone thought, for that matter.

I tried not to blame you, because I would have been angry, too. I was a sinner in the worst of ways. It was an irony to be sure, because I wasn’t the narcissistic one – wasn’t at all like you through the many years of our tumultuous relationship. However, of a sudden, my overwhelming need took precedence. All I could seem to focus on after years of being ignored was the gnawing, burning need rooted inside of me. I felt like an infant in want of sustenance and nurturing. Then one day, I was extended the smallest branch of possible affection, much like the apple given to Eve, and I grabbed hold of it as if my life depended upon it.

I’m sorry I was weak. Truly, I am.

I don’t blame you. I was wrong – so very wrong, but I’ve learned to forgive myself. More importantly, I’ve learned to forgive you. I know now that we were two unfortunate, sad souls, bound in a vice of a marriage that should have been forged open years sooner. Unhappy, angry people can become desperate people, and we were both desperately seeking an escape.

I forgive you. I forgive me.

My forgiveness has freed me from a multitude of negativity and lent a new born renewal to my life, releasing me from my own self-loathing as well as the loathing I once directed at you. Now, in the later years of my life, I am able to recognize the better moments we shared, and I am thankful in a way I never expected to be. Life throws curved roads in front of us when we expect straight and narrow ones, so we must be ever ready to adapt, must learn to navigate the new, crooked courses. We both could have been resolute in our determination to hold onto the negativity, feeding the anger and hatred. Instead, we became wiser and chose to release it into the universe. In doing so, we have recovered something far more valuable: our lost friendship and an unexpected, new kind of affection for one other.

No, I don’t blame you. Unfortunate choices were made, but we have both learned from our mistakes. We’ve let go of the bitterness and moved forward in lieu of regressing to a point of no return. I am thankful for you and lessons learned along the way. My forgiveness has lent a newfound lightness to my step in this dance we call life.

Yes, I don’t blame you – or myself – anymore, and I am thankful.