Questions to Ask in a New Relationship
There are certain questions to ask in a new relationship that can save you a lot of grief. Though the answers may lead to a breakup, these questions won't steer you wrong in love.
When you first start going out with someone, everything seems magical. They are the best thing since sliced pie, and you often get the warm, fuzzy feeling that they are going to be The One. Beginnings are all about being lovebirds and romantic. That's why they call it the "Honeymoon Phase."
But, the truth is that most relationships aren't going to lead to a happy marriage. That Honeymoon Phase can and will wear off in most cases. You'll find out that there are things about your partner that might not be that awesome. Love isn't always forever.
Call me pessimistic, but the start of a new relationship is often the time that's most filled with regrets. I can't name how many people I've met who were stuck in horrible relationships, wishing they could go back to that early phase when things were easier to break off.
If you want to avoid that level of regret, you need to know what questions to ask in a new relationship — and you need to be realistic about the answers you'll get, and act accordingly.
This is a time to ask questions about your relationship, and to be strong enough to get away if it's looking like a sinking ship. Here are some of the biggest questions you should be asking yourself when deciding whether it's time to get cuffed.
Why am I with this person?
This is one of the hardest questions to ask in a new relationship, but it's one of the most important. If you are dating someone with ulterior motives in mind, then you're setting yourself up for misery.
A lot of people out there are dating people for the wrong reasons, and whether you realize it or not, you might be doing the same. If any of the following are reasons you're with someone, you're with them for all the wrong reasons:
- Social Status
- Being Able To Say You're Taken
- Regular Sex (And ONLY Regular Sex)
- Making Your Parents Happy
- Because They Are The Only Ones Into You
If you can't answer this question without involving said reasons, then guess what — you probably shouldn't be with them.
Are our goals and lifestyle compatible?
Here's the brutal truth about dating that no one wants to admit: love is not enough to base a relationship upon. You need to be able to have similar life goals and compatible lifestyles to actually make things work. Not being able to agree on anything will only make both of you miserable.
If you want to be a farmer in Kansas and he wants to be a writer in NYC, you're probably going to end up resentful and miserable together. If you hate kids and she wants 10, you'll also be pretty upset.
This is why this is one of the most important questions to ask in a new relationship — and why both of you have to be truthful when you ask this of one another. It's far better to realize things will not work and walk away than to try to save a relationship unworthy of saving.
Additionally, it's crucial to understand that you need to take their answers on face value. Do not try to change their outlook on life, or try to go out with them in hopes that they'll change their stance on a major topic. Doing this will only waste their time and hurt you.
If you two can't agree on a somewhat similar lifestyle, then you're witnessing one of the key signs your relationship is going nowhere.
Does something feel 'off' about the way he's acting?
This is one of the few questions to ask in a new relationship that could save your life — literally. You should always trust your gut when it comes to dating, because sometimes, that sinking feeling is all that stands between you and a horrible partner.
Speaking as someone who has been in a lot of abusive relationships, I often felt uncomfortable with some initial comments guys made before they turned openly abusive. Some of my exes just had an odd vibe about them, only for me to realize that they were sociopaths later on.
If you honestly don't feel comfortable, find yourself questioning your sanity regularly, or are otherwise hoping things will change during the beginning months in a relationship, don't ignore that feeling that something's off. Leave; it could save your life.
Are you in the right place for a relationship?
Admittedly, there are some people who were born ready for a relationship. They are all about love, giving love, sharing love, and just having a nice lifestyle with the right person.
However, I'll be the first to tell you that most people aren't born ready for a relationship. Relationships, real ones, are hard work and take a certain kind of personality to continue working. A lot of people aren't made for relationships, because they're too selfish or otherwise just not in a good place.
If you want to do right by yourself and your partner, ask if you're okay with a relationship. It's one of the few questions to ask in a new relationship that can help you determine if it's wise to be going out with that particular person.
Is you're partner in the right place for a relationship?
Yes, one of the more important questions to ask in a new relationship also deals with your overall judgment of your partner. Does your partner seem like he's in a good place? Ask yourself if he seems mature enough to actually handle a real relationship in a healthy and respectful manner.
If you notice any warning signs of abuse, or if you feel like your partner isn't emotionally healthy, you need to consider leaving them. A healthy relationship can't exist without two partners who are both healthy enough to carry on normally.
Do you have an 'out' if you decide you want out?
This doesn't sound like a particularly normal question to ask yourself, but you should. A lot of people end up staying in very unhealthy relationships because they don't have the financial means to leave the situations they're in.
That's why, in my opinion, this is one of the best questions to ask in a new relationship. Do you have a support net? Do you know where to go for help? Do you have a Fuck-Off Fund? If not, you might want to delay getting official with your partner until you do.
This isn't "jinxing" your relationship. This is making sure that you have a way to leave if things don't work out — and yes, this may actually save your life.
Does your new partner make you feel good or bad?
In a lot of the most toxic relationships I was in, I felt obligated to stay with that person. I felt like I owed them something when, in reality, I didn't owe them anything other than a shoe up their asses. They then would use that "you owe me" attitude as their God-given right to insult me, use me, or hit me.
This look into my horrific shambles of a dating life brings me to one of the most vital questions to ask in a new relationship. You need to ask yourself how your partner makes you feel.
The funny thing about the beginning of a relationship is that your partner is often on their best behavior. If they are already making you feel uncomfortable, indebted, ugly, or otherwise undesirable, it's only going to go downhill from there.
Moreover, you should always ask yourself this — even if you've been with that person for years. If your partner makes you feel more bad than good, it's time to move on, regardless of how long you've been together.
Is your new partner pushing boundaries?
This is one of those questions to ask in a new relationship that can tell you volumes about your partner's emotional wellness. It also can tell you where the relationship will be headed if you both stay the course.
If you notice that your partner is pushing boundaries that you aren't comfortable with, you need to dump them. It'll only get worse, and that's going to dissolve into a codependent and potentially abusive relationship.
Is mutual respect there at all times?
I've been in a lot of relationships where respect was one-sided or situational in nature. It was a learning experience that taught me that one of the smartest questions to ask in a new relationship is if there's mutual respect at all times.
I'd either have zero respect for the guy I was dating, or vice-versa. Or, they'll respect me in private, but disregard me in public. All I have to say is that I no longer speak to most of the people who I dated with this dynamic.
Love cannot exist without respect, period.
Could I see myself having a family with that person?
At the end of the day, most of us in the dating scene want to find The One. We want that person to be the person we come home to, spend holidays with, and have fun with.
That's why one of the best questions to ask in a new relationship is if you can honestly see yourself with your partner's friends, family, and lifestyle. If you can't, refer to the first question in this article — and stop dating your new partner.