Dating: Do's & Don'ts
Dating: Do's & Don'ts

Surefire Signs He's With You for the Wrong Reasons

Does he love you, or what you're offering him?

Surefire Signs He's With You for the Wrong Reasons

In my years in the dating scene, I have been in a lot of relationships that didn't really make sense. A lot of the men treated me well — then would disappear once they had gotten whatever it was they wanted. At times, I wasn't much better; I used to date guys just so that I would have a boyfriend.

The truth is that many of us tend to go into relationships for all the wrong reasons. Many couples out there don't actually enjoy each other's company, but rather, enjoy the status of "taken" or enjoy what their partner is providing for them in terms of lifestyle.

Ever wonder if your partner is actually with you for you? If you notice these signs, then you have reason to think otherwise.

They seem more interested in going shopping than you.

One of the most common signs that someone is with you for the wrong reasons is the way they treat your money. This is because money tends to be a major motivator in who many people date. Gold diggers are a real issue among both men and women out in the dating scene, after all.

Do they require a restaurant outing or a pair of shoes before you talk to them? Do they suddenly lose interest if it's not pay day, or if you tell them that you need to be careful with cash?

A person who is with you for the right reasons won't lose interest when you're low on cash. If you are always the one who ends up paying for dates or maintaining their lifestyle, you have to ask yourself if they're with you for you or your money.

They are a bit too marriage-obsessed.

Admittedly, I am guilty of bringing up the wedding thing very quickly in a relationship — however, that's because marriage is extremely important to me. That being said, I'm fairly upfront about my goals and have found a partner with similar goals.

For me, it's not only about having a wedding — it's about being married to someone who wants to have a good lifestyle and have me to come home to. It's about seeing a person who loves me enough to commit to me the rest of their life. It's about me becoming a family with someone.

That being said, there are a lot of people out there that care more about the wedding and the ring than they do the relationship. If you're getting that feeling, then you're probably right.

They really, really rush commitment to the point that you're suspicious.

Are they really gung-ho about you moving in with them within a matter of weeks of knowing you? Do they talk marriage after month two? Are they talking babies on day one?

More often than not, people who have a serious goal in mind will do anything to get at it. If they are that desperate to get their needs met, they may end up resorting to using others to get what they want.

This most commonly happens by pressing commitment, primarily because commitments tend to force people to fall into roles that work to others' advantage.

Someone who wants a baby with a father will press for marriage pretty hard. Someone who wants a fancy wedding will often get desperate after a certain age. Someone who wants a nest egg via divorce, or a Sugar Mama, might push for legal ties to the rich lady they're dating.

A smart rule of thumb is to ask yourself if you feel like a pawn in their plans. If you feel like they're more interested in your role in their life than you, it's likely that they want to use you for their own means.

They only treat you nicely when you're about to leave.

This is actually a very common symptom of emotional and physical abuse. Most abusers only stay with their victims because they want to have a personal punching bag. They are sadists who get a rise out of controlling, hurting, and shredding someone to pieces.

Unfortunately, in every single abusive relationship, the abuser is with you for the wrong reasons. They do not love their victims, even if they think they do. What they do love is to hurt others because they hate themselves so much, and sadly, nothing you can ever do will change the dynamic they want to establish.

Even though you want commitment, they keep putting it off.

I'm a believer that someone who is with you for the right reasons will want to commit to you fully — especially if you want them to commit. When this happens, a person knows they are hurting the party who wants them to commit. The only thing is, they don't care enough to change it.

This kind of dynamic often happens because one party likes the benefits they are getting from the relationship, but doesn't care enough to give the other party what they want.

Generally speaking, this kind of dynamic also tends to be a sign that there's an ulterior motive going on. Why wouldn't he commit, unless he just wanted to have a girlfriend to put up with him while he's finding "The One" for him?

If you were honest with yourself, the relationship definitely isn't 50-50.

Do you do all the chores, bring home the bacon, and also somehow still get flak for not having dinner on the table at the time he wants? Or, when you need a ride home, does she tell you to walk because she's busy taking a nap during the middle of the day?

A healthy relationship, especially one that is done for the right reasons, tends to be one with a fairly even give-and-take. If you find yourself doing 90 percent of the work, chances are high that he's not with you for the right reasons.

A lot of men and women out there tend to want a spouse that will do everything for them, just so they get to lounge around on another's dime. If you feel like you're doing most of the work in the relationship, it's very likely they are not with you for the right reasons.

You honestly don't think they like you or appreciate you.

When someone is with you because they genuinely like you, you will notice. You will feel accepted by them. You'll feel like you're able to relax around them and tell them anything.

If you're with someone who's dating you with ulterior motives, you'll notice because you'll often feel like you have to "sell" them on hanging out with you. Or, you might feel like you're walking on eggshells to make sure they don't leave. Or, you'll feel unappreciated.

People who are with their partners for the wrong reasons tend to treat them poorly — at least, when they are dating for the long term. Why? Because they're getting their needs met, and they now would rather be on their phone than talk to you.

Ossiana M. Tepfenhart
Ossiana M. Tepfenhart
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Ossiana M. Tepfenhart

Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer based out of NJ. 

See all posts by Ossiana M. Tepfenhart