Queer Shit

The micro-aggressions faced by the LGBTQIA+ community are constant and vast, so I lend you some of my favorite responses to some of the vilest remarks and invasive questions that one may receive. These responses are meant to be as ridiculous as the questions posed. They are not meant to teach anything except that maybe someone shouldn’t be asking these questions in the first place.

“I could never be gay!” or “It’s not for me!” can be met with a look of distaste. The absurdity of such a statement requires no reply. However, if one must be given, offer this to them instead: “I could never be a pug. Walking deformities with rampant respiratory problems. Inbred catastrophes with no place on this Earth.” The likelihood that they value the existence of an intentionally evolved nightmare over yours is excellent, and you are bound to strike a nerve.

“How do you have sex?” is easy to dispel. Meet the questioner with a stern gaze, do not break eye contact with them at any point, then howl or yodel (whichever is easiest for you) as loud as you can for approximately two minutes. If they attempt to walk away, follow them.

“Do you have a penis/vagina?” For my trans brothers and sisters, this one is a doozy. I’ve been known to say, “yes, I have a whole box of them,” but if this is too close to the truth, I offer instead: “There is a lockbox where my genitals should be. It requires a five-digit code to be entered and a key to be turned simultaneously. Once it is opened, the desired genitals for the day materialize, and the lockbox disappears until the evening when I am prepared to sleep.”

“Does it work?” This question follows the previous one listed above and can be met with a similar response: “A spell must be said out loud to ensure proper functionality. ‘Eenie meanie miny moe, make a penis, watch it grow if it’s flaccid after the date make the partner stroke a rake.’ or (sang to the tune of Sunrise, Sunset) ‘Make me a vagina to bury the phallus of ev’ry one I meet. Call it a pussy if you like it; dig in until I go and queef.’” Vulgar, yes, but effective? Also, yes.

“How far do you plan on taking this?” This question is, again, often reserved for my trans brothers and sisters who may or may not have decided to transition medically. We in the LGBTQIA+ community (hopefully) all know that medically transitioning does not validate transness; therefore, I would suggest this as a reply: “How far are you taking this marriage?” or, if that is not applicable, more simply, “How long do you plan on living?” should suffice. I often find that meeting a question with another question is quite adequate. However, if you feel inclined to answer, you may also consider “To Bermuda'' or any other tropical climate your little trans heart desires.

“Aren’t you being greedy?” This one is for all my bisexual baddies who have to convince people they even exist. Give them a curt but knowing nod and say, “Or are you not being greedy enough?” Again, if a question isn’t your ideal response, try this on for size: “My mother told me greed is a figment of the insecure person’s imagination.” Anything that sounds like a tweet from Elon Musk is untrue, but it should shut them up.

“Are you a man or a woman?” This question is annoyingly similar to some of the other questions we hear and manages to fall short of the complexity of sex and gender, just like the other queries we’ll get. I’m a fan of the tried and true “I’m an experience” response for this one, but if you want something a little more unique, try this: “I’m a sentient being navigating this earth desecrated by binaries and classifications.” For fun, you can even add, “what are you?” That will grind their gears, especially since they probably think their gender is unmistakable.

“I barely have energy for one partner, let alone multiple!” This statement is for the polyamorous folks out there. I realize this isn’t a sexuality or gender identity, but it receives the same sort of scrutiny and discrimination. If someone has something to say about your relationship structure, let them have it with this gem: “The gods have blessed me with omnipotence and infinite love. Of course, a simpleton like yourself couldn’t handle more than one partner. I’m surprised you can even handle that. The majority of your love is spent on your pet.” You could also ask them if that’s why they’re single.

“When did you choose to be gay?” or “When did you know this lifestyle was for you?” I am deeply sorry if you have heard any variation of this. People genuinely know not what they say. Just hit them with this: “Right around the time I met your mother/father.” Let their imagination wander. You can also try this out: “A bush spoke to me in the desert during Burning Man and told me I was to become a member of the queer community. I was initially hesitant, but after some soul-searching, I realized this was indeed my path. I cast aside my love of straight romance and began pursuing only same-sex relationships from that day forward.”

“I have a gay friend/family member! You two should date.” Lean into this one. Milk it. Ask to see a picture and for their phone number. Message them and get them in on the joke, too. Tell the offending party the two of you have decided to elope and run away to Europe together. Make a gift registry with Williams Sonoma and Pottery Barn, then send it to them. Wait for the expensive gifts to roll in and then “call off” the wedding at the last minute. Hopefully, you’ll get a new Kitchenaid mixer out of it.

This is not an exhaustive list of the shit things people will say to you throughout your life, but hopefully, it is enough to give you an idea of what you can say in response. Remember, you don’t owe anyone an explanation about yourself. You don’t have to justify who you love or how you love anyone. You don’t have to explain your decisions for yourself or your body. Too often, the burden is placed on us to justify our existence. It’s time for that to end. It’s time for the bigots to start having to explain themselves. It’s time for them to become aware of how awful they truly are. The shame cast on us for so long should be theirs to carry, not ours.

We exist in this world with the same rights and privileges as everyone else, whether the government chooses to acknowledge it or not, and if anyone dares question that, then let them have it! And if the government dares to take or keep those rights or privileges from any of us… fuckin’ RAGE. No matter where this injustice occurs, on a federal or state level, we all rage together. Anywhere in the world, we rage together. We show solidarity and fight for each other. That is the beauty of being a member of the LGBTQIA+ community.

Remember, most importantly, that your health and safety are the priority. Do or say what feels right to you; as those moments change, let your actions and words change, too. No one response fits every scenario or every person. We are as varied and unique as our identities and expressions of those identities. Above all else, know that you are a member of one of the most diverse and accepting communities in the world, and you are loved. You are worthy, beautiful, deserving, and powerful.

You are loved! You are loved. You are loved.