Overcoming old Fears

I've had an ongoing battle with fear around driving cars, and really any vehicle in general. I'm not exactly sure where it came from, but learning to drive was one of the most gut-wrenching and nerve-wracking experiences of my life. I avoided getting behind the wheel until I was about 22 years old, relying on public transit and carpooling. Thankfully I was living in and around Toronto so it wasn't really too much of a problem in terms of doing what I needed to do. Even so, the reality that I would have to eventually face this fear began looming more and more as I got older.

I saw people in my life being so free and easy as they drove around, and I imagined myself just being scared shitless if I ever got the nerve up to even take a driving lesson. This may have been a self-fulfilling prophesy because when I finally manned up enough to face this fear I was a hot stinking mess at pretty much every driving lesson and for a good while after as well. Thankfully I had the determination to keep going under the patient tutelage of a couple good driving instructors as well as my parents.

When driving I'd be hunched over the wheel which I held with a veritable death grip. My hands were sweating profusely to the point where I was in danger of them slipping dangerously as I made turns. My one instructor kept reminding me to sit back in my seat and focus on my breathing. When I had the wherewithal to do so I found I could regulate a lot of this anxiety. The trouble was that I would quickly forget and revert to my tense, breath-holding and hunched over posture.

As with any fear the key for me was to continue facing it no matter what. At the same time I did meditations and healing work to deal with the underlying core beliefs that kept me stuck in this anxiety spiral. A key part of it was overcoming the notion that I am unsafe in general, which got exacerbated when fast-moving rolling blocks of glass, metal and plastic were involved.

My fight/flight mechanism was usually pretty amped up under even the most favorable circumstances. Put me behind the wheel and it would jump up even more, since I became acutely aware that one small mistake could result in the death of myself as well as others. It was as though my own bodily mortality was always front and center when it came to driving. I would think about car accidents that I'd seen, and imagine trucks in the oncoming lane veering over and just demolishing me. Sometimes I would even think that an accident might be a good thing just to get over the anticipatory fear that it might happen at any moment. Thank God part of me always had the wherewithal to not manifest this and keep myself safe.

When I saw people being so relaxed and at ease while they drove I almost wanted to shout at them, "Don't you know how close we could be to death at any moment?!" They made conversation and laughed easily while navigating even tough traffic conditions, maybe only occasionally cursing out another driver. I told myself that I wouldn't stop until I could be at least this easygoing and relaxed as I drove my own vehicles. (Hopefully without any road rage at all!) Seeing how people could verbally assault another human being was another reason why I avoided driving. I never wanted to be the brunt of someone's enraged honking, nor did I want to find myself getting angry at fellow human beings over them not vehicularly performing to my exacting standards.

Thankfully, over the years things have settled down and gotten much easier. When I had good incentives to drive it definitely took the edge off the fear as well, such as driving to a job that I loved or to another town to meet old friends. One of the biggest anxieties was in regards to endangering people that I was chauffeuring around, but I found myself able to relax and focus even more when I knew I had a car full of friends or clients for whom I was responsible. It was as though my actual conduct proved my irrational fears wrong at almost every turn. My mind was claiming danger and impending doom, but my body always seemed to know what to do, and could even correct minor mistakes before they became a problem.

My main spiritual teacher Matt Kahn once told me to stay with the reality of the body rather than listening to the claims of the mind. He emphasized being totally in the body rather than engaging in subjective conceptual loops of thought. This helped bring me back to just relaxing with my breathing, even in tough situations where I would normally clamp up and start pumping out cortisol and adrenaline. I subconsciously believed that by amping up this fear response it would keep me safe from the danger that I imagined was all around me. In reality it was by affirming my present-moment safety that enabled me to make calm and clear decisions.

Mindfulness has been such a wonderful practice in my life, and driving is certainly no exception to its benefits. The advent of technology has created a tendency for drivers to be perpetually distracted, to the point where its a miracle there are not accidents happening almost constantly. I found that by simply paying attention to what is happening right in present-moment reality it enables me to be a lot more conscious and less reactive. When I'm at a stoplight now it is easier to just relax and take a few deep breaths rather than get impatient about when I can start moving again. Making left turns at busy intersections was always a big trigger, but by slowing myself down and just paying attention I found it much easier to stay present and not get into the old anxiety patterns which start to diminish by themselves.

The combination of, "feeling the fear and doing it anyway" coupled with healing the underlying beliefs and energy associated with driving have made it much easier to move forward in this aspect of my life. I've also noticed that by facing one fear it has a trickle-down effect into other areas that may have been difficult as well. As always, I've found it very important to be loving and compassionate towards myself as I move through these life challenges in a good way. In the past I would try to bully and admonish myself into getting my shit together. Now I've realized the value of gently and lovingly guiding myself to where I need to go. I wish you success in whatever you may be currently facing in your own life. Thanks for reading!