Numb

Feeling numb on the inside, isn’t as good as it may sound to some who may feel too many emotions. I did once as well, then while in the storm of my life, I kept getting my boundaries ignored, my needs neglected, and zero happy brain chemicals. I’ve come to found that apparently when your needs, desires and even your lust for life gets stomped out time after time, no matter what I did to keep the toxic low vibrational people away from me. It didn’t matter, some how they once again have me stuck on a life that is not mine. It’s not anyone I know as far as I can tell.

They say one can’t heal when they keep pretending like nothing is wrong, I couldn’t agree more. The place I’ve been forced into living at and no matter what I do or how hard I try, I get pulled back down. This is from lacking an anchor in my life. Let me tell you, the people who benefit from treating life as if boundaries don’t exist, love it. They wiggle in better every person who could be an anchor to me and keep me far far away from the lies that have now become my life. However the person I wanted to trust, allowed them to. Therefore my outlook on people isn’t well.

It all began in June 2012, then in sept 2016 everything gotten worse and when I thought I seen the light that I desperately needed to see, and still do, it wasn’t long before it went dark, with my light no where to be seen again.

Now I’m stuck in a lie that I brought to life, but only because what I brought to life was love, unconditional love, someone who strives to see me happy all the time. Someone who doesn’t need me in any way, so nothing they do is for their own personal gain. A person who would never allow miserable wanna bees to not only, not be in my presence, but for the miserable ones who leech off a last name they know nothing about, they pull down the only reason they exist after September 2016.

If I never would of made a phone call in October 2016, then the people who have been knocking me down the second I get a chance to smile or be in a better situation, wouldn’t have an abandon, unlivable house to occupy, but they can only occupy it if I am in it.

I’ve worked hard and over came things I thought I would never have to go through. Died in June 2020, because of the fakes who should be embarrassed by their behavior, but they believe they will never have to take accountability for anything they do or say, because they haven’t had to yet. Wow does it show also, from threatening my life more than once to being the end of me in 2020, since I had enough of having them in my life. I worke too hard to get dragged back to a place I died in 2 years ago. However their plan was slick.

Posing as friend, they watched me crawl out of this hell at the end of summer 2020, get my own place and if the enemy disguised as a friend would of never got involved, I would still be living in my own place.

The exhaustion was written all over me, i as tired. Tired of fighting useless fights with a nobody to me. Tired of fighting for truth I have yet to receive, tired of pretending I’m ok and apparently it was obvious enough to this person I thought was a friend, thought they wanted to see me happy after the last 6 years of dark days, they even convinced me that they wanted to see me not look like I’m carrying all this everywhere and told me I don’t have to go through it alone.

It was a scam from the beginning, it’s clear now that thier goal was to get me in the same exact place I vowed to myself I would never return and if I didn’t trust this covert narcissist, I wouldn’t be. Sure I let my guard down to trust him, after all I’m secluded from anyone permanent in my life and I am exhausted, so I decided to let this person who was earning my trust go ahead and have some of it..

The whole time they were plotting on how to get me back to the dark place I am now in.. they took thier time and over about 8 months made me believe that I finally had someone in my corner and on my side. All for it to abruptly blow up in my face and I ended up back in the wind. The anchor I thought I found, was a fruad and the moment it was clear I was finally coming off fight or flight mode and had some hope, it was quickly squashed and next thing I knew I got cornered into coming back to the house that’s unlivable and way out of what I want and where I want to be in my life.

Now here I am stuck and stranded with a couple homeless people who carry around a wallet that isn’t theirs and truly believe they are fooling anyone. They are only fooling themselves. What was once my happy place, squatters and haters alike have destroyed.

Taking up so much of my time that not a second should be applied here, all they are is a bunch of ungrateful thief’s who suffer from severe narcissist disorder. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced, it’s like a toddler running around in an adult persona. Ruining things because they believe they can.

Forcing me back out here, only to say how much better they will be off if I wasn’t here. Knowing damn well I’m here because they are lazy and some how after doing nothing thier whole life’s, they became entitled. It’s a fact that if I’m not in this abandon unlivable house, the circus (that’s what I call them) can’t be either. However someome on the other end of this shit show, someone who I thought was on my side, couldn’t be any further from that. That someone helped partake in blocking opportunities that I had, so that I wouldn’t end up back here. It’s not healthy, I’m not happy and I’ve never been one to sit around and live that way ever, or for long. I’m on the pursuit of happiness and this shit show that should of never gotten the privlage to carry around a phone with my fathers name on it, have put blocks up to any pursuing my happiness.

I was promised a car, after all if there is a higher power out there, this circuses time is up, and instead of going for any kind of redemption and doing what they say. They stole the new car using not anyone they know name, nope, but my name and my fathers name. Then they continue to mentally abuse me every change they get, cause unnecessary drama because they are angry little troll toddlers. Then proceed to degrade me, because I happen to be here, thanks to the Lies and lack of integrity people apparently have.

Knowing they need me to “need” them in order for them to carry around a wallet with my successful fathers info inside of it. The little trolls hate my fathers success, because they don’t have the brain to think about anything but the short term, how will this benefit me. Instead they bully and harass the only reason they think so highly of themselves and they know they need my presence here, after all ruining my progress with lies and manipulation has apparently been worth it to them, since at least they have a bed to sleep in. As long as they keep me as isolated as possible and in controlled environments, that this will always go their way.

6 years ago today, I had soemome who I thought wanted to see me better tell me, “you have no idea what your capable of” and I actually do know what I’m capable of. I’m capable of taking care of myself and paying my own way and don’t even mind doing so, as long as I’m living for myself. However since June 2020, living for myself seems like a thing of the past.

They say nothing lasts forever, but this circus of fake monkeys trying to be someone they don’t even know and could never even compare to, that only effects me and in turn that trickles down and effects my child. Weather people want to acknowledge it or not, it effects a lot more than just me.

I’ve saved myself so many times from various things, but this time I’m afraid I can’t do it alone. If I could, I wouldn’t be here struggling harder than I would if I was where I want to be and doing what I want to be doing. Where is the humanity of anyone who knows what’s going on, knows that my absence ends it, but isn’t grown enough to make a difference. Knowing I can’t get out of this abuse alone, they hear about it, then suddenly stop caring about doing the right and moral thing, because they are weak and can’t stand by one solid choice. Instead of choosing to become part of the future and solution, anyone that may have been able to help me out of this dark lace has chosen to engage in the problem, but then think they deserve respect?

Sorry no.. no values, no moral compass, out right no compassion for another human being, equals no respect in my eyes. They all think, “oh she’s stranded there so whenever I want to pick her up (like a toy) because I’m bored, she will be there..

Only one issue though.. I’m an all or nothing person, I’ve spent most of my adult life living in an off and on nightmare with my ex husband (I wonder why he isn’t here yet). I’ve learned that once you let someone slide on this or that, that is forever their impression of you. The person who still has hope in his delusional mind doesn’t understand evolution. Doesn’t understand that if that’s the game, then I’m going to play with my one and only favorite player.. whose name ends in I.E most of the time, but sometimes it ends in a Y..

I pray for the day that anyone who has access to me now loses it, because on that day, I will trust again. I will trust the person who won’t stand for what’s happening and the person who actually made a difference and from that moment on, anyone from my past will have to speak to that person, I will no longer be available to the ones who took my time for granted… I can’t wait for that day … the day that this all goes away and regret sinks in every snakes throat… and they finally accept that I’m gone forever from thier life. At this point I have no one in my immediate circle that I would keep in contact with. To a few this new way of life is all they wanted. For me to leave the past where it belongs, and I’ve been ready, but this time there will be no hesitation, no sneaking around on the phone.. when I’m gone, I’m gone gone.

I pray for this day often..