Noise Complaint

And by the sound of it, there’s probably also a bit of elephant in their lineage.

Living with loud upstairs neighbors can be an absolute nightmare. I'm not usually one to complain, but this particular issue is an exception. There’s nothing closer to hell on Earth than being trapped underneath the constant cacophony of footsteps and excessively loud talking, which is more often than not coupled with snore-filled nights, followed by the smell of stale cigarettes and pizza that permeates through the walls every morning. I’ve never wished for a generous sugar daddy more than in those moments. If you’re not a trust fund baby or working in fintech, this is most likely your present reality or has been at some point.

It’s not just the noise in itself that’s so unbearable, it’s also the consistency. You can’t go to bed without fearing that your upstairs neighbor will wake you up with their incessant shouting, and you can’t even take a break during the day without fearing that they’ll start playing their loud music all hours of the day. The constant barrage leaves you feeling like a shell-shocked WW1 veteran.

And don’t even get me started on the lack of privacy for both parties. If I can hear your girlfriend getting gang-banged at 3 am with Sony sound clarity, then my neighbor can hear me wrestling with my toilet after eating 4 slices of pizza with extra cheese. I refuse to accept my lactose intolerance. Eating dairy is my god-given right!

Forget about being able to concentrate on anything when you can hear every single step they take as if they’re running a marathon through their apartment. But that’s a welcome break to all the late-night wrestling matches — it sounds like they’re having a full-blown circus act up there. I wonder if they’re selling tickets? I might as well join the spectacle since I’m not sleeping anyways!

But why is it so difficult to get them to be more considerate? While they’re living their best life as an amateur highland dancer, you’re watching true crime podcasts to research how to cover up a murder. As an alternative to homicide, I’ve come up with a couple of ways to combat your noisy neighbor.

1. Become friends with your neighbors

For those of you who are a bit more personable, this might be the best option for you. Befriend the enemy. From there, you can always drop subliminal hints about toning down the noise. Plus, if you’re spending time in their apartment that means you aren’t in your apartment having to listen to their stomping.

2. Battle at dawn

Now, I know I said that homicide wasn’t the answer but in this case, if they find the body and somehow link it back to you, you can always argue self-defence which increases your odds of getting a lighter sentence.

3. If you can’t beat ’em, join ‘em

This one is for the petty at heart. Lean full force into your immaturity and hire a mariachi band to play ‘La Cucaracha’ continuously for 5 hours a day.

Counterproductive? Maybe.

Satisfying? Absolutely.

Logic and pettiness aren't often directly correlated. And haven't you heard the saying? All's fair in love and apartment neighbor wars.

Gone are the day of simply writing a nasty note (they never really seem to do the trick anyways). We’re getting creative! Hopefully, one of these solutions tickles your fancy. If you do end up trying any of them out, be sure to let me know.

-B-