New Beginnings

Live in the present moment.

Accept your scars. They are reminders of a past that no longer exists. A past that you grew from.

Use them as a teaching tool not to repeat.

Once you figure out what you truly want.

When you can look in a mirror and see all that potential, when you actually see your worth.

Nothing else will matter.

Find clarity.

Love yourself.

Breathe.

You got this!

Stay with people who make you better versions of yourself, who compliment your life not complicate it. People who draw you in. People who match your energy.

People who see your potential.

People who love your soul.

You can be surrounded by people and still feel completely alone. This only indicates that these are not your people.

Drain your heart of past hurt.

Fill your life with laughter.

The ones who have stuck around are the ones who deserve your attention, your love, your friendship, your smile. Sometimes what you think you want and what you actually need are two totally different things. The need will trump the want.

Stop allowing anyone to control your emotions.

Especially if they are no longer a part of your present life right now.

Take those experiences, take the pain ,take the initiative, take all of that and use it for good.

Nobody has the power make you feel any less.

Take your power back.

There will come a time in your life when things won't feel so forced and everything will become natural where even the smallest things brings you joy. Where your smile is a little brighter and the day is a little lighter, when someone comes into your life and makes you realize that you deserve more than what you settled for in the past. Where they excite you to try new things and and their actions assure you that you're not as "broken" as you thought you were that you're capable of so much more. A person that opens the door to intimacy someone with whom you enjoy their company and someone you're getting excited to see where this will go. Sometimes we just have to let the past stop taking over us, not everybody you meet is the same and not everyone has ill intentions like the rest. Sometimes you just have to wait and see, take a leap, have a little faith that things are going to get better and not self-doubt or overthink. Easier said than done, but I'm trying.

What we don't realize in the moment is how our past relationships and interactions with others affect our perceptions. We tend to get in the groove of allowing ourselves to be treated a certain way, to hold onto people for way too long, to become numb. That when someone genuine enters our lives we have no clue how to proceed, and we become cautious. Why aren't we used to this? Why did we at one point forget how others should be treated, when did people become so emotionally detached and cold? Why is the concept of finding someone genuine leave us with skepticism? But the older I get the more I want a healthy relationship, something I have never experienced in this lifetime.  I want that intoxicating sexual chemistry, effort and consistency, open communication, trust, respect and loyalty.  I want someone to choose me!!! Whatever happened to playing for keeps? Here's the thing... If I let you in... regardless of time it's because I saw something that I wish to explore further, potential. I'm not looking for the next best thing, I'm looking for what's/who best for me.

Someone who can keep me cumming and gives me a reason to stay. Where things are reciprocated both ways. Where for once my mind can be at ease.

I was always determined to be strong and independent, never allowing myself to feel anything. I suppressed so many emotions, I carried on. I pushed people away, that was my go to. Never allowing anyone to get too close or know all of me, neglecting that I was craving a real connection. But when people act and treat you a certain way it's hard to see things differently. Emotions are a powerful thing. I allowed myself to finally start feeling again, To open up...

Which has also given me that heart wrenching fear... I'm taking a leap here....

I for the first time in forever met someone (naturally) old school, A good beginning and a perfect way to meet. A man who makes me smile a little brighter these days, who's company I appreciate, who I want to experiment and experience new things with. A man who managed to reignite this light in me. One whom I am growing fond of. I want to go with the flow and start a new chapter. Let this develop naturally over time, setting our own pace. And be open enough to new possibilities. "After all new keys won't unlock old doors". Not sure where I read that but makes total sense to me.

One who I too want to be that balance in his life.

One who makes me anticipate where this will go...

One whom no matter what the outcome will always be one of my favorite people,

One whom I think we have a good foundation to build something special. I like our chemistry. I like the calm, his energy matches mine.

🌻I want to be the reason he smiles, the good morning texts, the visits and long talks, the cuddles, that comfort and safe feeling.

I want to make him happy.

But most of all in a very short period of time he has gotten more from me than anyone could accomplish in my past.🌻

So for him I'm grateful, Thank you.

I believe in telling someone, that raw honesty, even when it's out of my comfort zone at times.

He should know what a great guy he truly is. In my opinion anyway, he's a breath of fresh air, someone who hasn't crossed my path in a very long time.

Someone who should be appreciated.

Someone who deserves to be treated with kindness. To make his tough days a little better.

Someone who has shown me a different dynamic. Someone who should know how truly special he really is.

A man that when I think of him leaves me with a stupid grin on my face.

A man that can make me wet without touching me.

Who has shown me more apprication and compassion in a short time frame than I have ever experienced in a long ass while.

I could get used to this, I should be able to...right?!

The way I feel when we kiss.

I'm not used to this intensity, this warmth. But I sure the fuck want to be......for the first time in forever something reignited that fire inside of me. Time sets no boundaries, just taking it day by day....It's how we proceed together that counts,

So I'm trying not to overthink. But simply just chill.

And maybe I'm a little rough around the edges when it comes to dating...

Terms are changing.

But here's one thing I do know for sure I really want to be his future girlfriend. So no rush... Which feels so high school, but whatever....life is about taking chances even when it's out of your comfort zone, because that what if feeling takes over. He gives me something to look forward to, his embrace, his company, his smile.

So here's to taking a chance and letting it flow....only time will tell.....It doesn't need to make sense to anyone else, in hindsight I'll never be too busy to reply or make time regardless.

Willing to put in the time it takes and then some..

Hoping he feels the same way I do and in his own time can trust me with his whole heart. At his own pace.

Feelings and emotions are sometimes a hard pill to swallow but if something feels good, feels right even if it makes us nervous or takes us out of our comfort zone, we should be curious and open ourselves up to new possibilities. We will be faced with moments where our past challenges us, where we may do or say something only to catch our mistakes and change our behavior, it's how we adjust in that moment that matters. I want to be able to tell and talk to him about everything and work through it together as a team, slowly unraveling the damage that was done and becoming better versions of ourselves with the help of each other's support.

Finding our normal, what works for him and I.

I enjoy his company very much and anticipate the next. I sometimes have a hard time expressing myself. Words have always been like an empty shell, as much as flowers have lost their meaning.

Actions are huge for me. His actions match his words. I like seeing him smile.

My wall/guard has dropped.

So here's to stepping out of my comfort zone, here's to being vulnerable and here's to me giving my all. Am I terrified... Absolutely but for the right reasons. I like him....Feels forien at times as I really never experienced anyone quite like him. I really hope this calm remains.. it's refreshing. Sometimes we meet people who make us better versions of ourselves.

He does that. It was hard to put my feelings out there. Really hard. I don't want to unintentionally push him away, because putting it all out there...is true vulnerability. Something that scares the fuck out of me... I don't want this to get akward. Overthinking.

So here's to putting my heart out there in hopes I don't fall flat on my face. This is me. Raw, real and truthful. Hopefully in time we can build something unique, something that keeps us smiling, working through it together. Being open to seeing where this journey will take us...and go from there...

I am grateful we met. He's genuine.

I want a guy who keeps me wanting more. A guy who will make me vulnerable when I'm so used to being in control. I want someone to compliment my life not complicate it. Someone who takes initiative, doesn’t play games, someone who makes an effort Makes the time. Someone to just ask me out and see where it goes. My perspective is that life is too short to waste time texting. We are not teenagers anymore, we should be past the games. We should not settle for less than we deserve. I want a guy who shows up. Who sees me, who wants to be with me. Talk is cheap, actions speak louder, eye contact, facial expressions, body language. I am that girl Who goes in head first, one who takes chances, puts herself out there. I am that girl who loves to laugh. Who is comfortable in her own skin, who has flaws, curves and is far from a barbie doll. A girl who has a past, but wants a better future. A girl who loves to be held tight. A girl who is independent and strong, who sparkles less sometimes, who lives in jeans. A girl who can be messy, honest, sarcastic, feisty and outspoken. I am not needy or clingy. I know my worth. A girl that can be intimidating or misunderstood. But a girl who has a heart of gold, who never cheats, who will be honest and raw and real. A guy who gives me that butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomach. Someone that doesn't waste my time. I just want to be in the moment and see where it goes. I know I am capable of love. I want a guy who isn't afraid to try new things, not just sexual, but get out in the world.

Who fulfills my needs, and who is emotionally sound.

A guy that can turn me on with a simple touch, who is in control, someone who makes the effort to text and really craves me as much as I do him.

Someone who keeps my sexual appetite satisfied. Someone to teach me new things outside the bedroom, who wants to make my life better by being a part of it, someone who I can talk to about anything.

I crave some physical contact, to date the same person with consistency.

I want to love hard. Love honestly.

I want someone who pulls me closer A guy who won't let me push him away.

I was used to being strong, brave, pushing down my emotions because I had to, because I had others who depended on me to stay strong for them.

It's not that I think that I don't deserve love

It's complicated to explain.

I know I am capable of loving with my whole heart. I have compassion, and a fire that burns inside of me, wanting nothing more than to find my heart it's forever home, wanting someone to hold me tight, uplift me and love unconditionally.

I need it to be more than great sex, I need someone who isn't intimidated by me or my past.

Someone who allows me to sparkle less sometimes. Someone who pulls me in.

Someone who can see through this tough girl act that I have been portraying. (Everyone assumes I am ok. They don't worry about me. Sometimes all I crave is a hug)

Someone who doesn't get pissed off when I disagree, or makes me second guess, manipulates me or treats me like an option.

Someone to teach me how to love to my fullest capacity and vise versa.

Only a few have seen me cry.

But the tears are real.

Just because I have a I don't give a fuck attitude doesn't mean I don't give a shit.

I am not broken.

But I guarantee that when I do fall in love, there is no turning back.

I am ready to embrace my feelings, ready to find my true love, willing to put in the time and effort.

Ready for all the bumps in the road.

I am ready ....

So to my future partner, yes I have had issues, yes I have dealt with them, yes they tore me down...but I have spent time working in myself.

I know what I bring to the table. In return I will show consistency and effort and make sure your needs are met.

I will never lie to you.

I will never cheat.

I will hold you tight, listen and encourage you.

I will share my soul.

I promise to keep pushing forward.

I promise to be upfront and never keep you guessing. To communicate and clarify.

I promise I am not like the girls from your past so please don't dare compare me to your exes.

My friends say I am a different breed, most wanting to be more like me.

I am confident in myself.

I will give you my 100%

I am independent and have taken care of myself way before I met you. (So it will take time to adjust)

I don't need you to take care of me, just be there for me.

Let's make decisions together.

Let's boost each other up.

Let's have fun along the way.

Let's talk it out.

Let's at least make the effort and try.

So to the negative people in my life you no longer exist you're fighting demons way deeper than mine and I hope that you can find happiness and one day be able to smile. I hope you find a comfort inside of you. And to my future partner you get all of me that nobody else has even seen yet, you don't get that old version. You get this special edition one of a kind. You get a better me.

I was hurt and angry feeling robbed of a happy childhood.

People trying to keep me in line for their own selfish reasons. Belittling me trying to wear me down of everything or that I've been building up. It took me a long time to walk away from that negativity to free myself of the chains to finally self love. To grow and to become the woman that I am now. I leveled up. Everytime I put myself out there only to prove I was better off alone.

I no longer want to be alone. I want to share my life, grow, experience new things, laugh, be playful and just live.

This woman who has compassion and empathy.

Who once had this fire inside of her.  

I won't settle for less than I deserve

.I will be selective on who gets what from me.

Giving my time and energy to the wrong people over the years, feeling drained, never knowing what it felt like to be appreciated.

Taken for granted....taken advantage of.

Harsh to admit... But it doesn't define me.

At this stage of my life I still remain optimistic that someone will walk into it, and in that moment make me realize what I was missing all along.

My time to shine my time to be happy. So stop dragging up the past because this girl doesn't live there anymore and that girl is no longer alive inside of me, she was put to rest a long time ago she has evolved, she outgrew her old ways and not only can she love herself but now she can love with her whole heart because there is no blockage just room for more growth with the right person.