Need Less

Broken?

I run away from the unknown. I have commitment issues; I’m afraid of giving my all just for my all to be thrown in the trash. 

In the beginning; when you date me, I am low maintenance, I barely want anything. All I desire is to get to know someone and grow loyalty with someone. 

As soon as someone lies or cheats, I become high maintenance. I either leave you or if I love you enough to work it out, I stay. But I’m going to tell you this leaving is probably better than me staying. 

I’m in an almost three-year relationship and I stayed after he cheated. 

When I tell you this is the hardest situation I’ve ever been in; I’m not lying. 

Being in a physically abusive relationship isn’t worse than being in a relationship with someone that you're in love with and they cheat on you

Good news, I finally experienced what real love is and guess what; It still sucks. To have an actual love, not puppy love, not teenage love, real love. Then to be surprised with a betrayal. It really has me questioning if honesty exists in this world or is it just something we like to talk about. 

To continue having the same unnecessary fights, to continue feeling guilty after name calling, to continue feeling like I’m the toxic one because I continue to react to old wounds. Or react to circumstances that remind me of the betrayal; it is exhausting. I keep breaking up with him and then allowing him to reenter my heart as if it's not still mending; as if the pain doesn’t still wake me up at night. The only time I feel emotionally safe is when I break up with him. The only time I feel security is when I don’t have it in my mind that we’re together. 

They say “forgive, forgive” like it’s easy… Like it’s simple. But forgiveness is like taking a shower or brushing your teeth; you have to practice it every day. You have to make it a part of your routine. I’m still learning how to make forgiveness a part of my routine. 

When I look at my man now there’s a mix of emotions. Love is still there, but there’s a disgust that lingers. His kisses aren’t the same anymore. If anything, they revolt me. But there’s a big contradiction in my emotions now because in the same breath I would say, “his kisses revolt me” I would say, “I miss his kisses.” 

Being in love with someone who cheated on you isn’t easy. The thoughts of him being with someone hurts my soul piece by piece. 

Days after I have my cashout, it is like the calm after a treacherous storm. There’s mugginess, destruction, but a rainbow. The sun begins to come back, and everything feels normal. I go back to my daily routine; focus on the little ones, cook, clean as best as I can, write as much as I can, wandering like a ghost until I’m called on. 

Lately I’ve been dismissing myself. I’ve been neglecting my needs, and I’ve been in a constant state of giving. A constant betrayal in self. I couldn’t stop the cycle unless I exploded. And when I’ve felt like I’ve stopped the constant repetition of negative thoughts. Something else happens to start the cycle over again. Mini inconveniences become cracks in a dam that’s already holding back an ocean. Whether it be the kids screaming, my man’s attitude or just the simple scarcity of everything falling apart within a blink of an eye. 

Why Don’t I Leave?

I’m learning to sit with my pain; not push it into oblivion, not destroy it. I lay in my pain as if it were security in it. It's safe in knowing you can hold yourself through the storm. I wouldn’t leave my lover simply because I love him. There’s no explanation other than unconditional love. He awoke a light within me when there was nothing but darkness. And I’ve done the same with him. We’ve projected each other’s pain on one another and still we continue to grow and rise from our mistakes. We are learning and mastering to give ourselves grace. This way we have enough to give to each other. 

External problems used to be a scab I knew I shouldn’t pick, but my fingers always found it. It was addicting to talk about all the things that weren’t going well. Sometimes it still is. So, I make it a daily practice to journal, write, and express my emotions any time I desire to. It helps with the cashouts. But it doesn’t guarantee that he will stay loyal or even honest. I’m accepting that regardless if this man is in my life or not, I will be challenged to forgive, I will be challenged to love unconditionally, to ignore, to be silent. 

I discovered for myself that walking away isn’t always the answer. It doesn’t ALWAYS lead you to something better, sometimes it leads you back to that familiar pain. 

So why don’t I just work it out now? Why don’t I just heal while always being a partner I would want. Even if some days, he’s not being the partner I think I “deserve”. (we all get what we are, what we say we want, what we say we don’t want, what we do and what we want to do but force ourselves not to do)

We All Receive What We Are, What We Say We Want, What We Say We Don’t Want, What We Actively Don’t Do, And What We Want to Do but Force Ourselves Not to Do

 A person who overthinks and has not been able to control it typically has a treacherous life. Why? Because people only overthink because they are seeking control. I can say this because I am an overthinker. Overthinkers are intelligent, and this is a beautiful thing and can become a destructive thing when you think your intelligence can wield anything and everything at the exact moment you desire it to. You think you can overthink your way out of any situation. 

You’re quite literally doing the opposite.  The more you overthink about bad things happening, the more you’re inviting unwanted chaos. What if I told you every thought you think is capable of becoming alive and real? 

Every emotion is powerful; every human being is powerful; it’s just about how you wield your power. 

The Universal Formula to Fail

Being attached to anything= You feel lack within yourself

• Being fearful of someone leaving you

• Being fearful of someone cheating on you

• Being fearful of someone lying to you

• Expecting something out of someone

• Lust

• Being scared of rejection

• Can’t handle people’s tones of voices

• Isn’t able to regulate without vices and things

• Perfectionism

• Greed

• Glutton

• Putting people on a pedestal 

• Idolizing

• Evilness (hurting someone for your own gain, taking from someone, being mean)

• Impatience 

• Anger

• Can’t be alone (has to be around someone or noise has to be present)

• Being a hermit (excluding yourself from people/being afraid of connection)

We all do/feel at least one of these actions/aspects of life at least once or twice in our lives. Some, maybe most of us do at least one of these things excessively. When we limit at least one of these, life will be a lot easier. 

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Part 2 coming soon ∞