My Private Life

It’s something that I’m afraid to say

It’s hard trying find someone you care for but will never reach. Even if you try, they’ll look at you with a blank expression, and just care for someone else. I tried to make friends throughout my 7 years in SDSCPA, I guess I was wrong about who I was. Maybe I was just trying to fit in with everyone but it seems that it can’t work out. People don’t understand the meaning of trying to connect to someone or even trying to be a good friend to them even if you knew them for a long time. You’ll pretty much look like an acquaintance to anyone. The only thing I would wish for, is to be best friends with people who would care for me and that I would care for them the same way. Maybe people don’t see that physically and emotionally, But I want others to understand how I feel about others, because nowadays, I just feel left out from others. I want people in SCPA to just give me a chance to be good friends with them or at least have a good conversation with a person at least. Because I want a family that is not just supportive but trustworthy and would always have my back. But If you feel hurt because of what I did in the past, then I’m sorry. If this doesn’t make sense to you, or if you think that it doesn’t apply to me then go ahead and tell it to me, but I know this is me because everything that I see shows that others go along well without me.

But it just hurts me, and that every time I see it; it also reminds me of the past, and I just cry about it because I lost it when my dad past away, he called me his buddy and I would always be happy.

The only thing I want from a girl is to call me....... her buddy

Tonia, I wish I could say I love you, but it’s hard because it’s not really easy for me to tell you.

You’ll probably wound up hating me.

12/15: Now that winter break is coming, it’s kinda hard to think about why people didn’t give me a gift, maybe it’s because It seems that I’ve never connected with my friends. Maybe it’s because I’m not a good friend. It kinda breaks me. But I just hope that they enjoy life more than me. Yet again, this is my last year with them, I want to make each moment count.

I wish I had something

As a senior, I was always left behind by my own friends yet they still never cared about me nor recognize me. They just see me and then not talk whatsoever and I feel neglected. Why do they do this? To get away from me? To force me out of their lives? It just doesn’t feel ok for me and I wish there was something I could do. But not really, you see I’m always the quiet one and that’s one reason why I feel left behind, maybe it’s because I’m different and that I’m just a school friend and not really close to them.

But look at me, I’m just a abnormal Asian misfit that just doesn’t have any spunk. I just want to find a way to get closer to people that I care for yet they look at me like I’m a nobody.

I feel bad for what I did

Back when I was in middle/high school, I wondered if I learned what love meant. Turns out that it’s not as easy as it was complicated than it is. Well for me at least, I’m not a well developed guy because I feel stupid, nervous, and shy and to be honest that was most of my life. Even if it’s in front of a girl that I like it’s hard to talk to her. Right now she goes to San Diego Mesa College, she’s a biochem major and she’s doing her own thing. Everyday when I think about her, it’s all about the past, I never got close to her and we kinda fell apart as friends and honestly it’s hard to see or be with her because I’m different, she just remembers the things about me back then and not the current me. It’s probably because I changed a lot and that’s what people are supposed to go through, but it has costs and I took a large risk and now I feel kinda messed up because I separated myself from my own friends including her. It made me feel worse about anything. I even think about what I can try to do and nothing ever comes up. To me it doesn’t feel fair to lose someone you trust, to lose someone that am you had a close connection to all because of what happens to people. All I wish for is to talk to her and tell her some of the things that happened in my life and hers too. And to be honest I have a crush on her and still do today well if she knows which she doesn’t. But if you’re reading this right now you know where to look for me. That person I want to talk to is TONIA TRAN. But if you don’t want to talk then I’m sorry for not being a good friend, someone that’s not considered likable, friendly, close, anything above that. I have done bad shit and I’ll probably regret it for the rest of my life. I have no expectations for myself and you. And I believe you probably know why. I sent something that you hate or got annoyed by. I’m not great at giving, being honest, or anything like that. I’m considered a douche and that’s what I am. I’m sorry Tonia, wish you were here with me. So that I can tell you how dumb I was to do it. Lesson learned, one message can change your entire life, always think twice about what you send or post, if it’s not worth it, then it’s not worth it. I know it seems like I am not your type or not even worth being called a friend but I just be by your side as a supporter. So that I can get the same respect from you. I wish we were close. Close as best friends.

I just want to own up for my mistakes that I’ve made. I felt so bad yet I felt disgrace, hesitation, confusion, and dishonor. I am an idiot and I’ll always be no matter what. All I want is to see you one more time before losing someone I care about.

If you want to talk then I’m available anytime, if not then I know that I’m a horrible person and I’ll never be able to have a friend like you and it’s over for the both of us.