Mistakes of a Man

The mistakes of one man can be a catastrophic event.

Most of humanity knows what it is like to love and lose. But most also move on quickly, either find themselves a new love or just go out and play around like a bachelor or bachelorette. Then some of them dwell on what they used to have no matter whose fault it was that everything had to end like it did. I am not just one who dwells on it, I am one who is fighting to get something I had that was so very precious to me back. This isn't going to be a review or a report, more like a journal. Sometimes it is better to just write down your feelings whether someone reads it or not, and with this I hope someone does so they don't make the same mistakes I have.

About six years ago I had met this woman who had been through a lot and was still going through a lot. So many men did her wrong and I became her best friend. Little did I know that we were going to be a team from day one. She would come to me about how someone had done her and I would let her cry on my shoulder. Somewhere in between that I started to fall for her, but I didn't know she was falling for me as well. We started to just play with each other a little more, kiss and cuddle, then lead to much more and before you know it we only wanted each other. But like inexperienced kids we kept second guessing and thinking "I don't want to lose what we've got." Whomever we were with we cheated on with each other, granted our boy/girlfriends were cheating on us as well. But it was still never with anyone else but each other. One of my best friends knew how much I liked her and that I wanted to be with her, the next thing I knew they were together and he's coming to me apologizing saying he liked her too. He didn't even know her for long so I went off on him and left them both. I started to message her again about a week later and she said she had missed me and was wondering where I went... So I bucked up and finally told her that I liked her and have for years and that I was dissapointed and angry with her relationship with my best friend not only because he was my best friend but because he knew how much I liked her. Just a little after that she broke up with him since it wasn't working out anyways and we finally got together. We were like the perfect pair... Nothing was wrong with us.

We dated for a year, then I moved in with her. Yes everything was great at first, even asked her to marry me. We were going to have a Halloween wedding; it was going to be wonderful. But shit hit the fan and everything became distant. There was screaming and crying and life kept going downhill. At the time we really didn't know how to deal with things becajse we were not mature enough for it. She gave me the ring back and it just broke my heart. I could have stayed and tried to work things out, but I didn't. I went home, took care of my dying grandma, and after that we stopped talking, mainly because of me. We started dating other people and I knew she was breaking down because I left but I was so, so stupid.

One day I realized how much I was still in love with her and I messaged her. She told me she was engaged to someone else and my heart sank so much. Why should I be the one so selfish when I was the one to ruin such a good thing we had? I couldn't let it go... She can't marry someone else... Even to this day we still have a bond that no one else could possibly have with each other. After a while of talking to her again I told her that I still love her and she can't marry someone else, that I know she still loves me as much as she used to and she was just vulnerable. I still don't believe she loves this guy. But the main problem is that their date is only a couple months away. I didn't expect something like this would've been happening but I don't want to lose the love of my life. I have changed myself since then, became more mature. I know that we are meant to be.

Now, here I am telling you to never let a love go because you will be more heartbroken than any kind of fight you've had with them. Trying to fight for someone you believe should still be yours. Trying to stop a wedding that shouldn't happen from happening. Never let your love life get so rough that you regret what you've done for the rest of your life, where you're so disapointed in yourself and almost just want to quit, curl up in a ball in a corner and just rot there. But I can't stop fighting for her. She is my body, heart, and soul. You can't stop fighting.