Merbabe Makin' Waves
My poetry/personal blog. I am learning more about who I am and learning to love myself for who I am. Of course, we are not perfect beings, so I am making changes along the way as change is ultimately inevitable. So I am in deep hope that I can accomplish my goals and reach a new level of happiness.
It's about to get real with this first post so I hope you're ready!
"The Time Has Come." I Said...
I've never been good at letting go; especially with people. Life is about change so we know that change is inevitable. Sometimes, change hurts. Let's bring a couple examples into the picture.
I chased after my Father for years up into my mid to late 20s to try and gain acceptance and love. No matter how hard I tried... he didn't want a daughter; he wanted a son, in which he got nearly 10 years after me. My brother saw a wonderful side of my father and at first I was resentful... but the older I got... the more I realized I was happy and grateful that my brother got a Dad, not a Father. After an incident where my step-mom claimed my Father was in poor health and dying, I reached out to him just to see that he was "getting better." I won't go into details but with the claims she was making, there was no way he would be getting better without a transplant. How do I know this? From working in the ICU, CCU, PCU, and ER for nearly a decade working closely with patients as a cardiac technician. I later learned the "scheme" they were pulling when I asked my Paternal Grandfather about the situation and he said, "Someone is pulling your leg." Enough said there. It was all a lie and THAT is when I gave up and let go. I had reason to let go... I had all the answers I needed so the motive was in place. And I was able to do that successfully. Do I care about him as a human being? Of course. Will I go to his funeral or try to reach out ever again? No. I've been hurt enough in this life and now more than ever, I know my boundaries and limits.
Fast forward to the present.
I am going through a divorce. Unlike my first divorce, this one is very painful. I was actually eager to divorce my first husband as he was abusive to me and ended up stabbing my daughter nearly to death. That's a whole other story for another time.
This second divorce is painful because I am still in love with my husband. The process is not final and I know and understand that those papers will be arriving in the mail any day now. The severance of holy matrimony will be bestowed to us. Now, let's go back a bit to when I first made this choice to divorce him. Is he a bad person? Absolutely not. Is he perfect? No. Did I accept him for all that he was and all that he did for me? No. I took him for granted and later on, gave up on myself and our relationship. I feel my heart pounding heavily and the tears welling up as I write this because through therapy, I have realize my own mistakes and have owned up to them. It took time and in retrospect what I thought I wanted... turned out to be something I do not want. I was hasty in my decision; this goes along with not being perfect. Our minds are complex, plain and simple. We've been separated since March. Since then I have gone to therapy religiously, taken care of my health, learned to accept who I am, and am learning to love myself. I am PERFECTLY capable to be on my own and do things on my own. I do not NEED an individual. I do want him though, and needing and wanting are two very different things.
So through my mistakes, I sacrificed the love of my existence and that is something I am not sure I can forgive myself for anytime soon but I am actively working on it! It's taken me a good decade to finally forgive myself regarding the near death of my daughter. I am very hard on myself and I often forget the wrong that others have done to me. Our relationship wasn't perfect, but it was certainly salvageable.
I communicated my feelings to him during a week where there was a lot of stress and vulnerability; AKA I WAS A BLUBBERING HOT MESS! He was very understanding and tried to be as compassionate and patient as he could. I hadn't said anything to him about being together since. I have not pushed or forced anything. He said something to me that day that made me realize something. So what if our divorce finalizes? Does that mean we don't talk anymore? Does that mean we don't see each other anymore? Does this mean we are forbidden and banned from each others' lives? No. It means we got divorced in the eyes of the court and God.
People make mistakes... I made a mistake. I can't just all of the sudden "take back" what I said. I can't "take back" the years of my wrong-doing. I can move forward. Now, I see the following both ways so tread water with me here. Since I am moving forward, I have been bettering MYSELF as that has been my primary focus and continues to be. WE (as in everyone) are the common factor/element in our own problems; therefore we are the only ones that can fix our problems. I want to make it clear that I have made changes for myself and will continue to strive to be better for myself and my daughter. On the flip-side, I don't want to give someone else a better version of myself in the future. I wish that he could have all that WE as a couple dreamed of and wanted together. I want him to see me in a new light where I am truly myself like never before.
Will that ever happen? I don't know the future and I have no idea.
This is where letting go comes in.
I can only hold onto today. That's all I am promised. I can hope that one day, things will change between he and I... but I can't bet on it. He has been thriving since we separated and I have enjoyed watching him flourish. I am not resentful (very different from when my brother got a better version of my dad—at least in the beginning). Sometimes we have to let go to see if someone returns to us. And as the saying goes, "If they return, it was meant to be."
That may never happen and in the darkest part of my mind, I have kept this idea there. That part of my mind is a hopeless place that I willingly choose to ignore. I'm not saying I'm happy all the time; that'd be a lie. I have my days where it creeps up on me and it's hard. I miss him holding me at night. I miss waking up to his smile. And most of all I miss his companionship and love.
Yesterday and today have been very hard days for me but I can't stay here. I can't allow it. I have a lot to work on still and I'm determined to make my own happiness. And instead of continuing to resent myself for my mistakes... I need to learn to forgive myself and realize that I too am human... well sort of. I like to think of myself as a Mermaid. Hah! Anyways, you get what I mean.
So! With all of that said, this is my white flag. I cannot chase the future as it is uncertain. I need my energy. I need my peace. I can tackle today as I have control over it. I have control over myself. I have control over my energy and who I invest in. I have control over my choices. I have control over my emotions. I have control over my life. ALL of which I have guidance, support, and love from my heavenly father above. I couldn't do any of this without him.
So I keep hope close, forever and always while knowing my boundaries and limits.
Until next time, my fin-friends.