MEET ME AT THE BEACH

NIKA MARIE PRICE

03/15/1992 - 08/03/2022

Describing Nika as magic doesn't do justice to what embodied that woman. She was a sorceress, enchantress, a muse. In fiction, while sorcery is sometimes considered dark or evil; it is always describing supernatural power and skill that surpasses magic. A power that demands to be seen and can overcome any spell the world could cast.

She held a sorcery fiction can't conceive.

All love. All light. All pure.

Black. Girl. Sorcery.

I don't know why milestones are so important to me. Maybe because the dates mark a time life flipped in a way that disrupted every equilibrium that kept me standing straight. It's the mark of a day when part of me died, and something that looked like life started.

04/09/19 - Nika got the call confirming her initial diagnosis, Stage 3B Breast Cancer.

04/15/19 - First day at Lemmen-Holten, meeting with multiple doctor treatment team.

05/22/19 - Nika and I spent my birthday eating an edible arrangement in chemo.

08/15/19 - Moved Nika into her first home, Lizzo poster first.

09/18/19 - Last day of chemotherapy.

10/17/19 - Nika's Double Mastectomy.

02/14/20 - Sworn to secrecy. IYKYK.

08/08/20 - Was the minister at my best. fucking. friends. wedding.

08/26/20 - Hospitalized myself.

11/21/20 - Received my diagnosis.

02/06/21 - Left on a road trip (goodbye tour).

04/15/21 - Nika was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

05/01/21 - Stopped drinking cold turkey.

01/01/22 - Completed 6 months of intensive behavioral therapy targeted towards my diagnosis.

08.02.2022 - Nika Marie Price transitioned. As a great friend, Chantal beautifully put it to her young daughter Vera, "to the other side of the clouds."

09/16/22 - Nika sent me a 16yo girl, whose pieces they've carried from the boxes they were handed fit each other's puzzle perfectly.

Yesterday was a series of deadlines, children, teen angst, FaceTime calls, and the community coming together to remember Nika. I had exactly zero time to write and refuse to publish words about her until they were intentional, thought through, and worthy of who she was. After everyone left, I was anxious to write this. To make sure I posted ON the milestone. As if posting the next day, was in any way reflective of my love for her. As if the gathering I spent the day cooking for and putting together with those who loved her, was negated by the fact that I didn't finish this fucking blog ON the exact date.

Time without her will feel too fast regardless of any milestone. And I will never stop loving and remembering her with every ounce of my being, regardless of any milestone.

Six months. Six months. Six. Months.

The grief process has been weird for me, which I'll get into later, but one of the leading themes is... not exactly anger, but not understanding how the world continues to turn. How the earth made it halfway around the sun without realizing she wasn't onboard. How Biden still hasn't added her as a national holiday or required a month-long country shutdown so we could collectively mourn her. I will be doing my part by sharing her and a story every day of Black History Month.

I was mad that people continued working without feeling the two-ton weight on their chests. Why the heart of the collective body didn't shatter the same way mine did? I was mad at strangers out with friends doing things together, oddly and especially, when one was black and the other white. I was jealous of friends who were able to experience momentous occasions with her that I felt robbed of, and sad that Luvvie can never feel and know Nika in all her greatness, knowing how involved she would've been.

So maybe it is anger. As I said, my experience of the grief process has been nothing like what I had prepared for. Due to various reasons, the month after Nika passed was a shit show of epic proportions. EPIC. With my proximity, and a lot of things in the mix before her passing, I was responsible for a myriad of hard decisions, conversations, cleaning things out, planning the Celebration of Life, and interpersonal conflict that felt so inundating, I stuffed the possibility of grief to the lowest pit I could find in order to take action in other areas.

Left and right, people I thought would be grieving with me were absent. Close ones in Nika's circle had different opinions about what/how things should be done. There were conflicting emotions, powerlessness from being far away, simply immense sadness, concern for those left behind, and requests Nika had made, and how they should be honored (in my opinion - their entirety). Maybe I did start it then because I fought, hard for that. People who hadn't been involved in months were telling me I was doing things wrong, that I shouldn't involve myself in situations I was and needed to be directly involved in, and all I wanted was to ensure my friend was dignified in her death.

All considered, I was fucking angry by then for sure, and the people I needed to help release the surmounting pressure in my body weren't in a place where they could help. I didn't know how, but I knew I needed to depressurize or I would combust. Knowing my sensitivity to life-changing explosions after 2020, I couldn't risk the unpredictable nature of my disorder.

I needed to know what the fuck she left me to take care of, how she wanted me to do that, what business she'd want to be known (I got receipts), and why the fuck - after all I had been through - was I the one shouldering this while others could simply mourn. She was the person I always went to for answers, she was the sounding board for me second-guessing decisions my entire life. I didn't necessarily want to yell at her, but I needed to shout into an abyss that couldn't yell back.

When we all went to Sam and Adrian's wedding in North Carolina, the last big trip Nika was able to take, the four of us got tattoos to symbolize who we are individually and our connection. We each chose elements, my Gemini ass was Air; Pisces Nika was Water; Kate Fire (I mean, obviously), and Sam Earth.

I needed to go to the water, to a place where water and air meet. Where she and I exist side-by-side, again.

I threw all 95 lbs of Rue in my Jeep and grabbed Nika's camera, towel, angel cards, and sage she'd partially burned. Prior to this I only used sage once and accidentally burned my carpet when it fell apart until I called it a day and chalked it up to strong spirits. Today though, I only had sand and the intention to reach her. I never put stock into cards or sage, or have enough time to read about them, but I'd walk through a black hole if you told me she was on the other side, so I was ready to try.

I drove my usual 10 mph over the speed limit to get there before sunset. I took pictures and video of Rue smiling as she sprinted through sand and plunged into the water; capturing the sunset in a photo that held Earth, Air, Water, and the Fire of the sun. I sat on the beach, feeling the wind, and with eyes closed, willed my heart to ask her soul for answers.

I read the instructions to her Angel Cards; that when it's someone else's deck you're supposed to "cleanse" it, by saying a prayer or meditation, asking past energy to leave. This was incomprehensible.

As I started shuffling, I repeated the only prayer on my mind over and over:

Shuffle down: "I love you. I love you. I love you."

Shuffle bridge: "Don't leave me, I need you. Don't leave me."

Shuffle down: "I love you. I love you. I love you."

Shuffle bridge: "Don't leave me, I need you. Don't leave me."

Shuffle down: "I love you. I love you. I love you."

Shuffle bridge: "Don't leave me, I need you. Don't leave me."

Like the instructions, I waited for certain cards to pop out and shuffled until they felt ready. Until I felt I'd pleaded enough to keep her, if only in this way.

I wasn't able to look at them yet. The sun was still peeking out and the water was calling me. I decided I needed to first fully immerse myself under the weight of the water, meditate in that body, feel a knowing presence, and then read the cards. It was nearing September in Michigan, and not having felt the water yet, in true Michigander form, knew I needed to just dive in.

I do this thing I heard a therapist say once, where when you're seeking something celestial, find a space alone and draw a line. Say to yourself, on this side of the line I will experience something ethereal, something not accessible in our normal plane of existence. You stand there, looking on the other side of the line, and only cross over when you believe in your bones it will happen.

I've heard people say before that human language can't explain or convince an experience with someone on the other side. It's felt in your body, like a knowing in your soul that your safe space is present. That you may not see a single person down either side of the beach but you know someone is there with you. I knew the moment I crossed the line in the sand, and dove into the water.

I've grown up in Michigan for almost 25 years now. I've swum in the lake more times than I can count as a child and an adult. Never once, or not that I was in a space to notice, did the water not only hold but cradle me. It was warm that overtook every inch of my body, even filling the inside that had felt hollow when I arrived. I didn't float on top of the water, and I wasn't swimming. Holding my breath, I floated between the sky and the sand below, leaving the body I'd brought there to sink to the bottom.

Rue flips the fuck out when she can't see me, so when I felt a doggy paddle of claws on my back it was time to head back. As she lay on the sand next to me, exhausted and content, I lit the sage around me and flipped over the cards.

Past: Blessings

Present: Forgiveness

Future: Serenity

That beautiful, sneaky, all-knowing, biiiiitch.

As we packed up and headed back to the car, I realized I was leaving and hadn't yelled at the water. I looked back at the sun all but gone and smiled. I felt no need or desire to yell at anything, or anyone, anymore.

She met me there, where the water and air exist side-by-side, and held me until I felt her love and heard exactly what I needed to know. These are the lessons I believe she was teaching me during that month, ones she knew I needed to learn for myself, without my sounding board:

I can unequivocally say that I made every decision I had to, only considering how I could best respect and honor Nika's wishes - balancing them with those of the loved ones she was leaving behind.

I am ROOTED in the work I have done, with complete trust in myself, my body, and the mind of the brilliant woman Nika raised, whom I only continue to improve.

When I know the truth, what other people say doesn't matter.

Don't internalize what people say in the middle of pain, and see it as a chance to love them harder - without swaying from your integrity.

I can handle really hard things on my own - and still, be okay.

With Rue passed out on my now sand-covered seat, I turned east toward home, overwhelmed with peace and comfort. The largest, lowest, full moon stared directly at me the entire twenty minutes home. Thinking of her love for the moon was the inspiration for a tattoo she'd later get. I couldn't stop staring, looking away only to make sure I was still on the road. Suddenly, her voice echoed through my head, and all I could hear was, "I'm still here. Just look to the moon and I'll guide you." Even typing this now elicits tears and goosebumps.

It's become a routine of mine to do the same beach ritual in my bathtub at home when I feel like I need her. Without fail, she's met me in the water each time. When I go underwater I feel the same warmth, holding, spread over my body; a sensation that doesn't happen in a pool or hot tub or anytime I'm not seeking her. It has happened twice in rain though without the lil' ritual so... maybe that negates the ritu-- doesn't matter.

Out of all the cards in the deck, one has consistently presented enough times for me to take notice of how often it pops out when over half the deck never has - Serenity. She has covered me in it. She has provided me with relationships with people she connected with in a variety of ways. She has given me assurance and confidence I didn't know for 30 years. Notes from her that no matter how many months pass, no matter what milestones come, she's still here, and I'm okay. Still holding me, still guiding me, teaching me lessons, still making sure my heart is turned only towards people - the trait she most loved in me.

When I was moving her stuff out, I found a single card between two boxes addressed to me. P. Sawyer on the front, B. Davis on the back. Our nicknames for each other after the weekly school nights we'd watch One Tree Hill over Jr. and High School. I say weekly Gen Z because we used to have to wait to watch our shit at a certain time of night, on a certain night.

There's a scene in the show (season 4 episode 9) that says, "It's you. When all my dreams come true, the one I want is next to me. It's you. It's you, Peyton. "

Over the decades, as we watched each other's dreams come true, we'd smile and remark, "It's you." There's a picture of just us in the room, hugging on her last day of Chemo. What isn't in the still shot was her whisper. After nothing we could've dreamed - her hardest battle - I heard, "It's you, Peyton.'

I couldn't read the card until the time felt right, and chose the morning of the Celebration of Life. I thought reading her words would give me what I needed to get through that day - serenity. In the end, she writes, "You have an actual heart of gold."

So I'm going to keep leading with what she thought was gold. Keep reaching for all of the dreams she believed would one day come true for me. And she'll still be next to me when they all come true. It's you, Nika.

I'll see you again soon, my love.

Where the water and the air exist side-by-side.

Until then, I'll look to the moon.

- A