Mean Girl

I really wasn't a mean girl, not at first anyway. Like all other little girls, I was born sweet and innocent. I was full of sugar and spice and all of that precious muck. It was the world that turned me, the world, and the people whom I empowered with my trust.

I speculate that it all began when I was very young although I can only recollect specific, obscure events. I can clearly recapture a time when I felt happy and stowed goodness within my heart. That was a different life, a life that was never meant for me.

I was the devil, a mistake, and someone who ruined lives. Undoubtedly I could only hear those words so many times before I learned to believe in them. Although I learned to accept and swallow these merciless and heartless words, they still deteriorated and weakened me with every syllable. Eventually, I gave up, surrendered and, succumbed to my inevitable fate.

I withdrew and retreated from happiness. I didn't deserve it. I locked myself away within my own dark, joyless little world. Jealousy and envy raged inside of me like a hurricane sabotaging everything good around me. Somber thoughts that no child should have devoured my mind and licked at my soul. With each passing day, I drifted further and further into nebulosity and there was nobody to save me.

As I grew older the more stygian I become. I didn't want friends, friends would only delude and deceive me. I didn't want to be loved. I was no good, valueless and, worthless. I deserved to be hated. Rules didn't adhere to me very well. I was a mean girl and wretched people were naturally undisciplined. Nobody empathized or tried to set me straight, I think that they relished in the thought of being right about me.

All I really wanted was for someone to hold me, hug me and, save me. Why wouldn't someone just help me?

I somehow managed to survive into my twenties. I miraculously prevailed and conquered my terrible teens. It was now time for me to face the real umbra of life. Because I had dropped out of high school, supporting myself proved to be grueling and strenuous. Nobody stepped up to warn me about the consequences that I would later face for abandoning my education. I suppose that the silence was intended to be one of those life lessons that would either annihilate or somehow rehabilitate me. Who am I kidding? Nobody really cared enough to teach me a lesson. They selected to see me fizzle and sputter in an unsuccessful life. Everyone was waiting for their "I told you so" moment.

Twenty - seven days: That's the span of time that I lived on the street. I bet that I could even tell you the hours and minutes of this epoch. I found a local diner where the owner had enough benevolence to give me a meal in return for washing dishes at the end of the day. It felt awkward and I was embarrassed yet indebted and thankful.

Eventually, they offered me a waitress job and remedied my homelessness with a neglected, run-down apartment behind the diner. I now had a roof over my head and warm food in my stomach. It wasn't much, but I was safe and gratified.

The scars on my body were validation and living documentation that I was strong and I could endure and overcome. I began to see the light at the end of the gloomy tunnel that I had been living in. I began to feel perseverance and confidence in myself. No, I wasn't a mean girl...I was beginning to love myself for the first time in my life. I was blameless, clean, and guiltless. I was going to take my life back from those cruel and spiteful people.

I strained and struggled to hold down my waitress job at the diner during the day. At night I shuffled through adult education classes. I was determined and intent on providing myself with the best life that I could possibly have. There were times when I felt like turning in and giving up, but I pushed myself forward. I worked 12.5 hours a day and studied all night. I was tired, my feet ached and my head hurt...but I kept going.

Each time that I felt defeated I would hear those voices in my head telling me that I was a failure, weak and non-deserving. It was my resentment for having been treated unfairly that enforced me and pushed me onward.

After six months, I earned my GED. That was the best, most self-satisfied, happiest day of my life. I had accomplished what I was told that I'd never do. I had proved that I was a capable, independent, strong and, worthy woman. I had stepped out of my own shadows and into the light and it felt amazing.

Five years further down the road, I would own this diner!

When my employer decided to retire and leave the diner, I was flabbergasted when he approached me one evening and asked me if I'd be interested in buying the diner and running it for myself. My avidity was short-lived when the reality of my circumstances flashed before me. I was a young, single woman with no credit history. I was also working my bootie off in this diner just to make the ends meet. I had no enchanted stash of money hidden and no magical beans that would lead me to a hen that laid golden eggs.

That's when they offered to let me buy the diner on contract. He had paid attention to my efforts and adversity through the years. He wanted to give me a chance...someone really did care about me! I broke down into tears as I locked him into a colossal bear hug. This was the very first time that I felt as if the powers of the universe weren't actually devising against me.

Mean Girls Diner was born and has been filling hungry stomachs for more than three years. It's a simple, unembellished, plain-vanilla place to eat with simple, genuine food, but it's all mine and I earned it all by myself. I moved out of my crappy, substandard apartment and purchased my first home. I now have a promising and happy life. I'm excited and interested to wake up each morning and find out what the day has to offer. I no longer feel jinxed and star-crossed. All of the misery and affliction that had been buried and concealed inside of me is gone.

Sure, I still have days when things just don't go right and I struggle to keep it all together. There are times when I want to throw the covers back over my head and hide from everyone, but I now know that I am not a mistake or a blunder. I have a real purpose and instigation in this life.

With the world on my shoulders, I defeated the negativity laid upon me by others. I found my inner strength and I learned to find the beauty inside. Beneath my hard, dark exterior was a flower just begging for the chance to bloom and thrive in the light. All I ever needed was someone who cared enough to reach out a hand to me.

With this drab and dreary story, I hope that you leave with two very important things lingering in the back of your mind.

- The words that you speak truly do hold significant value. Choose them with caution and with kindness. "A tongue has no bones, but it's already strong enough to break a heart, and we can't take back the words we've spoken or heal the wounds we've made, so be careful with your words."

- No matter what the world says or does to you always remember that you are beautiful, you are worthy and you can do anything! The sky has no limits and neither do you.

“Be as a bird perched on a frail branch that she feels bending beneath her, still she sings away all the same, knowing she has wings.” – Victor Hugo