Make Your Neighbour's Lives Hell

Disclaimer: This post is entirely satirical. Harry Golderway is a caricature of the alpha-coach community, and the views expressed within do not reflect the views of the author.

Hello and welcome to this week’s issue of The Golder Way!

Scouring through the dummy dumpster this morning, I was struck by one particular request from some tragic chick with a whole world of problems that could do with a touch of the Golder treatment. Naturally my inbox was full of requests, but the audacity to send through four questions at once caught my attention. She reminds me of all my exes, wanting too much. So, out of pure nostalgia for loves lost, here goes nothing.

What is your best advice for raising children?

My first piece of advice for raising children is to never, ever, ever, show them any kind of comfort or warmth. We’re raising humans here, not teddy bears. If you want something to cuddle, go buy yourself a couple extra pillows. Children are the keys to the future, and there’s nothing more important than creating strong, independent individuals, especially when it comes to young men.

The best way to go about this is to simply show them how to ‘adult’ correctly. You and your husband need to become strong role models in their lives. Let them see everything that’s good about a functioning relationship, the most important of all being to install the correct gender roles as laid out by Jesus in the bible.

There’s no need to wrap your kids in cotton wool or shower them with love. They’re not kittens. Be cold, calculated, strategic, and educational with them. If you can employ a nanny to cover all those needs, it’ll help cement a sense of respect and admiration for you that’ll last them a lifetime. The less present you are, the better. You want them to crave your attention so that they’ll overachieve in order to impress you.

This is how we create successful adults.

What should I get my husband for a birthday gift? He likes running and beer.

Trust me when I say he likes more than running and beer. In fact the birthday gift you’re seeking is actually pretty simple, and most likely the one true love of his that you left off the above list.

If he is like most men in existence, there’s one particular favour that’s coveted above all others, and if you want to be a good wife with a happy relationship, you’d do well to deliver. Not just for his birthday of course, but regularly, and there’s never been a better time to start than right now.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about already then you are truly lost, but I’ll point you in the right direction by having you picture yourself eating a banana. It’s time to woman up and give him the oral treatment, lady. Trust me from experience, men need little more than that to be happy.

To truly give this gift a little icing on the cake, send him out drinking with his friends beforehand and don’t expect him home at any particular time. Simply wait up for him, no matter what hour in the AM, without bothering him at all, and be ready and waiting in lingerie to give him his final surprise when he staggers up the stairs burping and humming. Don’t worry about the precious photo frames he destroys in his path, that’ll give you something to fix up in the morning!

I want to sneak more naps into my day. What would you recommend doing to accomplish this?

Look, the role a woman plays in the life of a man is paramount, and sadly that means that naps just aren’t all that easy to steal. But on the bright side, think of all the good you’re putting forward into the future.

By keeping the home clean and tidy, raising your children, and taking care of your home, all while topping up the wages of your husband with whichever job you feel you need to have to satisfy modern ideals such as independence and mental health, you’re teaching your children what life should look like.

Like I said above, it’s important kids have strong role models with all the correct ideals in place for success in their adult years. You need to take life more seriously. After all, we sleep when we’re dead.

Our neighbours are friendly, but I am not. What are your tips for avoiding them?

My conclusion from all your questions is that you need to revisit your bible and brush up on womanhood a little. It talks all about loving your neighbours, gender roles, and looking after your husband, but I can’t be bothered to get into that argument right now or try to make you see sense. I feel I’ve already given you so much to think about that it’d just be overwhelming. It seems you are so far lost in your journey that you can’t even be a good neighbour until you go through some personal growth, so here’s what I suggest instead.

Start by talking to them honestly. Say something like ‘Look, its nothing personal, but I don’t like people. I’m not interested in getting to know you, and your presence alone annoys me.’ Be sure to be assertive and commanding in tone, as sure as the snow that falls in Canada.

If that doesn’t work, you’re gonna have to start sabotaging their lives until they get the message. Start with small things like letting your dog crap on their lawn every morning, and increase it from there. Placing a potato in the exhaust pipe of particularly annoying people is one of my personal favourites.

Now don’t be afraid to get creative here. Hate mail through their letter box and threatening gestures to assert your dominance over them works best for me. But each to their own. We all have different tastes and ideas when it comes to sabotage.

The clinical data suggests that woman typically hurt others through isolation and reputation destruction, so get to work on spreading some vicious rumours about them. They’ll soon leave you alone, and with any luck, they’ll leave the neighbourhood entirely.

Win/win.

And that brings us to the end of this week’s issue of The Golder Way. Looks like you have tons to sink your teeth into. Remember, this advice is universal to all who’ve had the good fortune to find it, but if you have any specific issues you’d like to receive the ‘Golder Treatment,’ head over to my Facebook Page and drop me a message.

Until next time, stay Golden!