Love

~LOVE~

Once upon a time, I fell in love, he was also in love. We were the same kind of soul, the kind that existed in two different places as two different people. That’s how we connected on a level I never felt, was I young of course, but when you have friends and everything you want at that time and you still want to live the rest of your life next to this one person. This person who made the one who took care of everyone, taken care of, while he was drowning himself. He put me and my happiness before his own and it was like a whirlwind of feelings I had for him like he was missing from me until I met him.

We did everything together, worked together, then quit together as well. The only time we spent apart was when my mom made me come home to sleep, but it wasn’t long until I would wake up, shower, and be right back at his house. He had such a warm embrace to him. He saw that he wasn’t the only one with eyes on me, but he was the only one my eyes were on.

We got arrested together, he crashed my car and I took the fall because if I didn’t I was going to lose him and it was a fender bender, so it seemed like such a little sacrifice compared to how he made me feel like I was the only one that mattered to him at all times. We always had others in the car with us, but it always felt like us. We were meant to spend time together, I can’t say the rest of our lives, but more times than we had and I had nothing worth staying where I was and I just wanted to be next to him, he made me feel safe, happy and secure. Then life changed…

Fast forward to another lifetime.

He never left my mind, even though I’ve moved on, I would have still left it all behind for him in the beginning. I used to hope that he wanted to be by my side just as much as I did him and he would come to take me home, back then anywhere he was at was home to me.

As I was passing the time until I seen my father again or him, I ended up pregnant with my boyfriend of a year baby. That’s the time my love slipped out of my mind. I threw everything that existed before becoming a mother away, from clothes to trinkets. I never would of let go of the mementos I had of my first love, but sadly I was manipulated into giving them to someone who isn’t even in my life and never will be again.

My first love brought back the only kind of love I knew and I loved it. To be so intrigued by someone that you write multiple letters to each other daily/weekly is truly an amazing feeling.

I grew up writing letters to my father, telling him all the things I couldn’t say on the phone when I was younger. This love of mine was one that everyone around us thought I was getting the ass end of life at the time, but they didn’t know how much that kind of love meant to me.

Current life circumstances

Everyone and everything I learned to love has faded and my dad's unreachable, when everything falls away, my first real love is the one that truly never made me feel alone in life. We understood each other in a way I would love to come across someone like that again. I’ve been married and had a few serious moments here and there over time, but not one of them amount to the home feeling I felt in his embrace. We didn’t expect anything from each other and that’s so rare to come across period. It doesn’t matter what time we come from, it’s a rare trait that most people don’t poses.

I imagine him coming to get me sometimes and just thinking how everything I’ve been carrying for all these years would fall off my shoulders, not into his, but just a new beginning with standards, but not expectations. We never parted on our own free will, ever.

The boys that think they love me, all moved away from me using what I is their own free will. One trying to tell me it’s up to me, but really it never was up to me.

My first love and I have never walked away from each other willingly.

Is that love? After all these years and still wanting to crumble in his arms. He’s aware of my problems, ones I only have when certain people are in my life and he accepts me still.

That night he found out what was really going on in my head and didn’t leave or judge me, stuck with me still … to others my sickness is a burden. To him that pain is one he wants to make better, he doesn’t want me to feel that way and that’s what I want and need in my life, someone who would rather see me smile than frown. Someone who always keeps in touch, maybe hoping one day we could reunite.. people change, but genuine people don’t change when everything is gone. Genuine people stay that way, no matter what. I’m one of them, that’s how I know.

~LOVE~