Long Island Blues

Heart break is interesting in so many ways. It’s really what led me to write this piece. Heart break mixed with two words next to each other in the title of a new song I heard recently.

Within the past 5 years or so, I’ve realized that writing out my thoughts, sometimes sharing them with others like I am now and sometimes keeping them to myself, helps me process what I’ve been through. When I don’t write out my thoughts, or at least talk to someone I trust about them, I become very overwhelmed. I’m sure you have your own version of this common emotional experience we have as humans.

Moving on from something that happened in our past can be so confusing. Sometimes I feel like I’m a pro. I have it all figured out. I’m on a golden path to relief and healing. I’m happy. I’m upbeat. I don’t think of the memories of the people, places, feelings that once brought me immense joy, but now aren’t an active participant in my life. That’s the great side of healing.

Then there’s the side of healing that places you on your balcony while you sit and cry harder than you have in months. Maybe even years. The side of healing when feelings you thought you had long since processed and tucked away come rushing back to the surface. I thought I wasn’t giving these things my attention anymore.

All because of two words?

Yep, all because of two words next to each other in the title of a new song I heard today.

The song is “Jake’s Piano - Long Island” by Zach Bryan.

It’s a beautiful song. “Jake” and “piano” are not the words that flipped a switch in my head + heart. When I first read the title I actually said to myself, “oh boy, here we go”.

See, when long + island get paired together I think of Long Island, New York. It’s a place where my heart was broken 2 years ago. It’s a place where pieces of my heart still lay. They’re not even being used anymore. But, they once were. And that’s why long + island get to me.

That’s what creates those long island blues.

When a place I never knew about became a place I wish I could just forget. A place that once held so much love & meaning, now holds past memories I wish would just wash out into the shore.

So, I half-heartedly listened to the song for the first time in the car. Scared to fully give it my attention, because I had reasons to believe it was going to get to me emotionally.

Then, a few hours later, I listened to it again. This time I gave it my undivided attention and I put my headphones in.

Did I know what I was doing to myself?

I sure did.

I walked out to the balcony of my apartment and I let the song take me where it needed to. As I’ve said previously, it brought me to tears. Memories came flooding back that I thought I had moved past. I thought that’s what healing is. You “move on” right? If I’m ever going to have another relationship I have to.

Right?

I just don’t think that’s how it goes. I’ve learned that healing can feel more like “2 steps forward, 1 step back” instead of this perfectly written checklist. And I’m trying to learn to give myself grace to process the past, savor each moment in the present, and be hopeful for the future.

It’s a work in progress.

I’m a work in progress.

But, damn, that was one good cry.