Living and loving with insecure attachment styles

I am not very often alone at home, and when I am, I enjoy it.

Last Sunday, I had the flat for myself, since my boyfriend had gone out, and I decided to just sit back and relax: I'd read a book and listen to some background music. I chose a playlist without paying too much attention to what songs were on it.

While I was deciding what to read, I heard the first notes of "November Rain", and I had a thought: is this song Axl's take on "avoidant attachment style"?

This led me to a sudden realisation: this is Charlie's problem. I guess I must go back and explain who Charlie is before I continue.

Charlie is one of my closest friends; I love the boy dearly. He's kind and generous, intelligent, and funny, charming and interesting.

I had seen him a few days before, and we had spoken about his relationship with Julia. He says he thinks that she is an amazing lady: intelligent and witty, beautiful inside and out, a gentle soul and a badass, who's gone through a lot in life, managing to maintain her love for humanity.

However, as much as he loves her, he can't stop feeling overwhelmed by the relationship. I remember his words: "I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't think I could find a better person or someone who makes me happier. I want to be with her, but my head is full of background noise that tells me I am trapped. I am missing out. I want to feel the thrill of the adventure. I want to chase and be chased. But at the same time, I love knowing that when I go home, I'll find Julia there, waiting for me. I love her, I never want to hurt her, but maybe I should break up with her before I break her heart. Sometimes I just can't feel the love, I know it's there, but I can't feel it for the life of me. And then she's so insecure, man! She constantly needs reassurance. I hate feeling responsible for her happiness; it makes me want to be as far from her as possible. Maybe it's her. Maybe with someone else, I'd feel the thrill".

Now, I need to point something out: Julia is insecure, but Charlie has done a few things through the relationship that would make every woman insecure, especially someone with an anxious attachment style, like hers. And I can totally relate, as I struggle with the same fears.

As I said, Charlie is sweet and kind; why has he never had a relationship where he didn't end up hurting his partner and messing up? Why, such a beautiful soul, can't not freak out and, after a couple of years, become "the bad guy" who'd do something incredibly stupid?

At this point, I knew what I should read: "Insecure Attachment" by David Lawson.

According to symplypsychology.org, "Attachment styles refer to the particular way in which an individual relates to other people. The style of attachment is formed at the beginning of life, and once established, it is a style that stays with you and plays out today in how you relate in intimate relationships".

Dr Lawson explains that there are different types of attachments styles:

Secure: the lucky ones who don't have trust issues, know how to communicate, and all those amazing traits that I am not going to discuss because they're fine, they're doing well, we don't need to talk about how great they are.

Anxious preoccupied: they suffer from insecurities and self-doubt. They overthink and overanalyse situations, can be moody, get scared when their partner needs space, and feel the need for reassurance.

Avoidant (Dr Lawson separates dismissive-avoidant and fearful-avoidant, but I will treat it as a whole): they crave love and companionship and enjoy the bond of a relationship but feel unable to share feelings and express emotions. They withdraw if there is a conflict, cutting themselves off from a real chance at emotional intimacy. They often push their partners away and, if there is a crisis or a breakup, they shut down emotionally to the point that they can't feel the pain; they convince themselves that they are ok and most probably happier on their own. They are overwhelmed by the inconsistency of their own emotions; they feel the closest to their loved one when separated for long periods and have a chance to miss them. They fantasise about flirting with other people, as they want to fill the void, but as soon as the fantasy becomes a reality, they shut down. They often idolise previous partners with whom the relationship was cut short or never fully realised: this person is remembered as "the one that got away", to whom nobody could measure up to (another unconscious distancing trick from the current partner).

Now, I suspect that my dear Charlie is a victim of his own attachment style. When did it happen for him? When did he shut down? When he was a child? Could his parents, who have always loved him deeply, have failed in making him feel secure and protected? Or as an adult, maybe after the death of someone that he loved dearly? Or perhaps it was a relationship that did the trick? Did he show love and commitment to someone who didn't believe in the relationship as much as he did? I am not sure. I met Charlie as an adult and, as you can guess, he doesn't like to talk about anything painful. So, I will just go with what I know about his current relationship.

He often expresses the need of being away from Julia (…" Do you need some time on your own?"), and she understands it ("Everybody needs some time on their own"). Still, she struggles to allow it because she's scared of it: Julia knows how much Charlie loves her but feels that he's not investing 100% in the relationship, she says "it's like he always has a foot out the door, ready to run" ("When I look into your eyes, I can see a love restrained…"), and that makes her insecure and despair; because she doesn't want to lose him, but feels disheartened by the walls he put up ("it's hard to hold a candle in the cold November rain").

But now that we know what's happening to Charlie, we need to answer his question: do I think he'd be better off without Julia? To answer, I had to read another book: "Should you leave?" by Dr Peter Kramer.

From what I understand, the short answer is "no".

Dr Kramer's point is that you should leave when leaving represents a change to what you have usually done in the past. Someone who tends to stay with abusive partners or people who make them unhappy in general, because they fear change, should leave. Those who tend to leave, as a solution to all problems, should stay (please don't think that you should ever stay with an abusive partner, that is never the case). Charlie is a leaver. In the past, whenever things got heavy, he left. Being with someone for many years means that the connection and bond will become closer and closer; there will be ups and downs, conflict, and responsibilities. That's not good for him. In the face of a conflict or a crisis, it's easier to shut down from that partner and focus on a new one: a new relationship won't be so emotionally demanding, it will be lighter and joyful and, when it starts settling into routine and demands for vulnerability and accountability, it can be left. And again, and again.

So maybe Julia should leave? She is scared of being abandoned, so leaving would be an act of courage for her? It could seem so, but she also needs to stay. Julia has always initiated all her breakups, not because she felt overwhelmed by the connection, but because she wanted more. Not getting her need for reassurance met, she wanted to find a way to shake her partner, a kind of "rom-com" ending. She'd break up with her boyfriend hoping they'd come back in tears declaring undying love. In her mind, she's created this story that she has always been abandoned, but by what she's told me, she really hasn't. She is the leaver; she is the one who breaks up with people because she is terrified that she's not loved enough, and she wants proof. Staying, for Julia too, would mean breaking the cycle: she can learn that love doesn't mean being all over her at all times, that life is not a continuous fairy tale, where her partner will give her flowers and love notes every day. She can become responsible for her own feelings.

In "should you leave", Dr Kramer tells various stories of people that have gone to him, asking whether they should leave. The one that reminded me of Charlie was that of the young husband, who one day went home to his wife, to announce that he was out of love: "He might be unable to remember why he was ever in love, unable to remember what love felt like, and certain that his wife is a burden, a stick-in-the-mud, an unfortunate victim of his past illusion that he knew what love was. Or he might be out of love with his wife and in love with someone wilder and less encumbered".

Dr Kramer diagnoses him with anhedonia: inability to experience pleasure. Which seems strange because the young husband is still interested in social and work life. Also, he protests that it cannot be anhedonia because he feels a burning passion for a woman that lives down the street: La Carmencita. Carmencita likes complication, intrigue, taken men: according to Dr Kramer, once the young husband is single and has lost the appeal of the "forbidden", they won't last a month. But right now, the young husband feels closer to Carmen (they both make wrong decisions) than to his wife (she's stable and is trying to save the marriage, making him ashamed of himself). Anhedonia is usually diagnosed in adults who, as children, were raised in states of psychological deprivation, which is what made me connect it to an avoidant attachment style when I read the book.

Dr Kramer says that unless the anhedonia is cured, nothing will work. The young husband needs to address his apprehensions about family life, who makes decisions in the relationship, his need for "playtime" even as an adult. Otherwise, the most likely outcome is that he will leave his wife for Carmencita, only to be single and disappointed in his life choices in a few months.

To me, Charlie is behaving a bit like Dr Kramer's young husband: Julia is stability, commitment, vulnerability, compassion, compromise. Maybe it's easier to leave her and look for a Carmencita.

I will tell Charlie this much, but in the end, it will be his choice. I do think that if two people who love each other and bring out the best in each other happen to cross paths in life, they shouldn't let go. Love doesn't happen every day. It's hard to come by, and it's precious. Healthy love is even more difficult to find and, I know I have overanalysed their relationship, but Julia and Charlie are a great match: they have many interests in common, they make each other laugh, they look after each other and care for each other, they never run out of things to say, they can be best friends and lovers, which is the absolute winning combo.

I know that they can make it if they are both willing to look inward, love boldly and overcome their fears: "and when your fears subside, and shadows still remain. I know that you can love me when there's no one left to blame".

A few books I’d recommend reading (with links)

- "Insecure Attachment"

- "Should you leave?"

- "Emotional intimacy" : link 1, link 2