Jess's Problem

Jess has a problem. Jess wants to date and be with someone but the one Jess wants to be with will not be with her. Jess thinks she really needs to try dating others then; Jess figures maybe it will help her move on. In reality though, Jess does not want to date. Jess knows she will never move on. Jess is in love. Jess does not want to touch another person - man or woman. Jess is in love with someone and wants her. And only her. The woman Jess wants is her best friend, Megan, making it so much more complicated. Jess and Megan grew very close over the course of less than a year. Jess fell in love with Megan. Even early on, Jess knew Megan was the one. And Jess still believes that Megan is meant for her. Every stupid little thing Megan is and does draws Jess closer every day. Whether Jess sees Megan 4 days in a row or does not see her for 2 weeks, Jess loves her the same. The little noises Megan makes, the stupid things Megan says, Megan’s innocence, Megan’s stubbornness, Megan’s body and heart and soul; Jess can not help falling in love. Jess knows falling in love is not a choice. And that choice was taken from her the second time she met Megan. There are three major problems Jess knows from falling in love with Megan; Megan can not be with a woman due to religious beliefs, Megan is not gay, and well Megan could not live without a penis in her life. Megan loves Jess. Jess knows this but Megan can not and will never love Jess the way Jess loves Megan. Jess knows this too. Megan is very kind and allows Jess to express her love for her. Although Megan has told Jess that Megan thinks Jess is not in love with her. Jess knows that is the stupidest thing Megan has ever said because Megan does not know the half of it. Jess is open to Megan about it all but the love is so deep no matter how Jess tells it or shows it; it is not enough. Know one can convey the type of love Jess feels for Megan. Jess feels Megan does get upset about Jess’ feelings sometimes and Jess is pathetic and finds it so hard to hide her love. Anyone Jess talks to about Megan basically instantly knows Jess is in love with her. Jess lights up and has this happiness about her when she talks about Megan. Megan means the world to Jess. Jess knows she can spend the rest of her life with Megan as a friend if Jess does not fuck it up. Jess wants more, but Jess has to settle. Jess is okay with it most days, well Jess is okay at faking that she is okay with it most days, because she still gets to be close to Megan; whether that is making things worse or not Jess worries. Because everyday Jess continues to fall in love with Megan. For no reason. Jess, though, in the back of her mind will always have faith that one day she will be with Megan. Jess knows this is wrong. Jess knows she will be with Megan the rest of her life if Jess can handle it. As Jess and Megan are friends and always will be. But will Jess be able to handle it when Megan has a boyfriend, when Megan is with her boyfriend, when Megan is intimate with her boyfriend around Jess. Jess wants Megan to be happy so bad, but Jess is scared of the future. Because all Jess can see is her with Megan. Jess tries to picture Megan with men to try to ‘prime’ her but it does not work out. Jess even fantasies about a threesome with Megan and a man thinking that will aid in it. It sometimes works, but most of the time, no, because Jess does not want to seem possessive but Jess does not want anyone else touching Megan. Jess wants Megan to be hers. Not to control or anything. Just to love and love only her. Jess is in love and knows Megan is the one for her. Jess is scared of so many things. Jess knows Megan might get jealous if Megan sees Jess with another woman. Or maybe even a man. This scares Jess as Jess does not want to hurt Megan. Jess is scared of that so she does not want to date any man or woman. Megan does want Jess too at times. But Megan hopes Jess dating may help Jess move on. Jess thinks maybe it will make Megan happy if she pretended to like someone. Maybe then Jess, Megan probably figures, may be able to have sex and not focus on Megan all the time. But Jess worries it will never work. Jess worries about hurting the other person as she will fake being with the one she is with as she does not really want to be with anyone but Megan. And even if Jess likes someone else; Megan will win. If Megan had a date, for example, and Jess needed Megan, Megan would go on the date as she is okay too. But if Jess had a date and Megan needed Jess; Jess knows she would choose Megan. So every relationship is doomed. Jess will choose Megan over anyone over and over again. Jess is obsessed with Megan maybe, but Jess would never hurt her; Jess just loves her. Another thing that worries Jess is sex. Jess has a high sex drive. Megan does not. Jess figures maybe if she has just has sex with others it will help as will leave Megan alone. Jess will not be too sexual with Megan maybe then; allowing Megan to be happier. Megan does not want sex with Jess anymore. Well, maybe not not want it, but she is not supposed to have it. But Jess wants every part of Megan so bad Jess feels bad when she thinks of her best friend in a way that ‘uses’ her. Jess tries not to look at Megan all the time in a sexual way but Jess does because Jess finds Megan so beautiful. And not just her body. When Jess looks into Megan’s eyes, her soul….just so beautiful. So Jess worries that sleeping with others might be good for her own body, but might hurt Megan and might hurt Jess’ chances of ever getting to be sexual with Megan again. Megan does not want to be sexual with Jess but once again Jess would be with Megan sexually in an instant; even if Jess is with someone else. That is not fair to the other party. But Jess is in love and will choose the one she is in love with over and over. Jess hopes she can fall in love with someone else. But Jess is also stubborn and is so in love with Megan she will most likely not let herself fall for anyone else the same way. Jess wants Megan and Jess would do anything to get Megan. But Jess knows there is nothing she can do. Jess still wants to be a good friend to Megan but sometimes it is hard. Jess feels defeated. Jess would do anything for Megan whether they are best friends or lovers and that is what is hard. There does not get to be a differentiation because if you are in love you do anything you can to win that love. That is all that matters. And Jess has faith she will be with Megan in the end. Jess prays and believes that she will have Megan. Although reality says Jess will never get Megan as ‘hers.’ Jess does not understand that she is supposed to be positive and have faith but in reality it will never be. Jess hurts not understanding this theory. Jess then thinks maybe if she is with a man rather than a woman it might be better. If Jess is with a man and Megan is with a man then the two women can still have the intimacy with each other. What Jess knows and hates though as it will be almost obsolete. Jess knows she would be busy with her life and relationship and Megan hers so they would be lucky to see each other a few times a year. Lucky to cuddle a few times a year. That is how life goes. Jess does not think she will be able to handle that. Jess misses Megan so easily and Jess loves Megan so much. Megan does not understand the power she has over Jess. Jess does not mind the power as it is a good thing when you love someone, but not a good thing when Megan can not and will never love Jess in the same way.