Im Back!

If wasn’t obvious… I turned 30! That’s right mother truckers, I surpassed my own expectations. And I can say, 30 feels good.

I lost my voice some time ago, and I’ve been struggling to find it. Did I wannna be dark and twisty, or did I wanna be upbeat, positive and happy??? There was no clear direction. I did not want to pour myself too thin with what sadness I was holding, and I didn’t want to portray myself as someone I am not… which is happy. Truth is, I’m always looking for a reason to not smile. I live with too much gross and unhealthy trauma to feel like smiling is deserved.

But alas I’ve reached a turning point where I recognized that I am allowed to feel happy. Its okay to sit back and enjoy a moment.

What led to the hiatus was Nike. My dog passed away. My triumphant and brave girl. Just fucking gone. At the request of my therapist, I was not under any circumstances to be there when it happened. BUT of course I was there because who else was gonna do it. I was there because who else would she be seeing as the lights went out?? I wanted it to be me. While I have had a lot of loss, I am not one of those types of people who is able to ”handle” it. I’m not a graceful cryer, or easily consoled. Nike was a true testament of my recovery. When I got Nike she came in at a difficul time and became my service dog. I survived dark times thanks to her and when the months were counting down, I was in denial and absolutely bargained for time.

Its been 8 months and still feels like yesterday but the only difference is I come home from dropping off my daughter without crying. I throw away the dropped chicken bits after they hit the floor without wanting to scream. I’m able to watch a memory on Instagram and hear her ”ahwoos” without wanting to die. I’m healing. I’m at the stage of healing that 5 year old me and 15 year old me couldn’t even dream of.

In my absence I’ve picked up a hobby or two. I delved into this paint pouring and have become quite good at it.

Painting has been quite a unique way to manage my emotions. Writing used to be my ”thing” but painting, I think, helps me express more than what my words could. Which is the point LOL

The day I turned 30, I was up at 2am, talking to my ”mental board of directors” discussing how we were feeling, and I NOTICED something pretty strange. I wasn’t fixated on being anyone else or trying to feel, any specific way. And in one very important moment I took a breath, and suddenly the little versions of me were disappearing. Their melancholy vibes were now calm and airy. I was left with just the older versions of myself that hadn’t healed yet. And we felt HOPE.

Now that I am back and have found myself a little more, I plan to explore the versions of me through writing and art. I don’t really know what to expect so look out! I have a feeling that my dark and twisty side is here to stay, but if she’s tamed…. this new development could be interesting.

The first goal for my writing will have to be how to figure out ending a random post. Because this can’t be it lol

#mourn #healed #healing #kid #adult #youngadult #hope