I Wasn’t Who He Wanted

As I sit here, in our old coffee shop, a flood of emotions have emerged. I’m in the heart of our beautiful town, that I made into my home, but it now just feels like a place I’m visiting since he left.

It is no longer a home, but a place that reminds me of him. I have spent hours and hours in this exact chair, while all sorts of people with different lives completely unaware of the pain I am wallowing in, hustle around me. I sit here. Broken. More broken than I ever thought was possible.

I have come to the realization that this is my new reality. I walk through life, and though my feet are moving, my heart and head feel completely empty. It's not that I am faking happiness and it's not that I am not a happy person. I am just starting to feel the pain after the shock and numbness that came directly after I was left just one month after he told me he’d be by my side forever. I have been feeling like it's all a bad dream and I am going to wake up and be so relieved that it is over.

The truth is... it's not that i'm not worthy of love, but I was not enough for the person who I am so madly in love with. I had this idea in my head of how my life was going to be. My biggest desire is to LOVE people deeply. Specifically finding that person who I can cherish for the rest of my life. Every struggle, every pain, the good days, and the ugly... because ultimately when you love someone so deeply you do that as a team.

I long so deeply for that, and I had found that. At least on my end. I found someone who made me a better person, someone who encouraged me in life, we were the ultimate power couple.

Maybe my love was completely blind, but it was by far the most real thing I have ever experienced. Even through the rough days, he was my best friend. He made my heart skip and race like no other. Our kisses were filled with so much passion, it was like electricity going through the tips of our tongues.

I had prayed for a man like him for years. I prayed and continue to pray for my future husband that, at this exact moment, God is preparing his heart, mind, and soul for me so that when I find him we will be whole separately and come together as one even stronger. When my almost husband came into my life he was everything I had prayed for, everything I could have dreamed of and more, I felt so blessed and honored just to be in his presence. I never had a doubt in my mind. I saw my whole life, with our families together.

Feb 24, 2018… The morning we were suppose to leave for Las Vegas. Our first vacation together. Hearing the words, “I can’t go, I can’t go through with this.” I didn’t know what he was talking about. He first blamed it on work, then he looked me in the eyes and told me he couldn’t be with me anymore. I had no idea what was going on, my heart was shattered. I didn’t see this coming, he’d just bought me a ring. We had just done the most gorgeous wedding inspired photo shoot together. It was our “wedding,” the one we knew we wouldn’t have because we didn’t need a piece of paper, but knew in our hearts we’d cherish the images and moments from that day.

I have never felt such hurtful and hard words that I literally couldn’t swallow. I was in shock. I didn’t want to believe it was true. I went right into work mode. Something's wrong, i'm going to fix it, and everything will be ok. As I was calling around to vendors to cancel a shoot in Las Vegas, because I had to tell them that we wouldn't need them anymore, I got to my videographer who’d I’d admired for years. He begged me to continue with the shoot, but I just couldn’t do it. I continued with the trip taking my daughter instead, and cried daily. We talked and I thought we’d get back together after he had some space.

Weeks went by, and he never really came back. We kept in touch, we made love, we cried, we texted, we kept each other in the loop, but he never came back.

My love for him was always authentic, raw, and passionate. But the love he told me he had for me was in-genuine. He was caught up in the moment and the romance, but he didn't really desire to be with me because his heart was with someone else. His leaving me was fair. It was what he needed to do. While at the time it broke me to the core, and still makes me incredibly said, I don’t hold it against him. I don't hate him, I don't have resentment. In fact I am happy he is pursuing what makes him happy. I am glad he will have his family back.

My pain comes from not being that right person. Not being the one who was chosen, especially after everything I gave. I gave my heart, mind, and soul into that relationship. If you know me at all you know I don’t half ass anything in life.

Such deep miserable agony. Destroying me as a person. I feel so strong at times trying to explain in my head that it's not me, and that I am worthy of love—and at the same point feeling lower than I have ever felt in my life. The emotional pain that is so deep it becomes physical, and it literally feels like a knife is wedged between my side. The betrayal I feel. I just don’t know how to process it all. Here I am months later. Still Broken. I know why he did what he needed to do. He needed his family to work. He needed to pursue the woman he is in love with. And I need to let him go. At times my pain becomes anger and frustration. My whole world was flipped upside down.

I know one day I will be able to fall in love again, but at this point in time I don't see how it is possible.