I Never Knew...

...I would feel this way about someone who could annoy me so much and who could be so sweet to every damn girl. I didn't realize that I was falling for you until one of my friends made me realize that the feelings were there... That what I thought was fake and unreal was actually true... It kind of hurts that I have to pretend every day now that I don't feel anything for you because when you found out you just left me... You treated me differently, you ignored me, you stopped caring about me, and you stopped talking to me...

I know, I shouldn't be so hurt since it just me having a "crush" on you... But like, there's something more to it to be honest... Like I knew all the answers to all my questions when I asked myself about my feelings about you... I knew you wouldn't like me... I knew we can't be together... I knew I'm too different and I'm too weird for you... I knew that you were probably just trying to have a bet with your friend that it'd be easy to get me (which was true)...

Then, you confessed to me that you had feelings for me and said you can't pursue because of your friends and our co-worker... You couldn't do anything because you guys made a "pact." You knew that they wouldn't accept because they liked me first and they've been trying to get me for so long... Boys will be boys?

I wish you'd stop though and do something about how you feel... But then again, I shouldn't care right? Because you're already avoiding in every humanly way possible... Telling me every excuse that you can think of... Not talking to me... Not smiling at me... Not even giving me attention at all anymore... You don't say hi anymore... You just walk right past me now...

Damn... Now I cry... Now I'm hurting so much but all I can do is hide it all... All I can do is pretend and be fake about how I feel. I hide it all. I tell my friends, hell no, it's gone already... And laugh out the pain. I know one of them doesn't believe me, but I can't do anything about it because... I just have to be silent and let time fade the feelings away... Let time mend me again for another time...

I honestly ask myself every time now... Is it so hard to love me? Is it so hard to want me? I don't even play hard to get... If I like you back... I'll tell you, if I don't, I don't. I'm straight up about my feelings for people... I just don't understand anymore on what I can do... I'm trying so hard not to care but... Then, I'm realizing so much right now, that all this just tells me that... I really really like you... A lot...

If I didn't, you ignoring me and you avoiding me shouldn't bother me so much the way it's bothering me right now...

Watching sad movies isn't even helping... Today is supposed to be a special day but I'm drowning myself with sad music and sad movies because all I can think about at the moment is to be with you on this special day... Being stuck alone is not helping at all... I want you here with me but don't worry... I know I can't... I know I have my limits and I have to stay at the line... I have to understand all of this as much as I can... Even if it means I'm hurting so much...

Even if it means... It takes so long... It honestly doesn't help at all that I see you everyday and you are talking to everyone else but me... Not noticing me...

I wonder when this will all end... I wonder when I'll be able to say truly that I don't like you... Even talking about you should get easier... But then again, should I really take those as signs or just me trying so hard to forget?

Can things change from here? Can things even go back to normal? Can the feelings just go away so that things will go back to normal?