I'm a 76-78 Vibe Revolver

How do you explain Ghandi?

SUNDAY -- MAY 17, 2020

• 7:20am = Water bill, linger in bed a bit longer, scale, meditation, interpretation, light, air conditioner, candle, hydration, shroom, overnight soaked beans in my pressure cooker.

• 30 minute run. 1.72 miles. Nissan Black radio on Spotify.

Random Notes From Group Meditation

Truth. Foundation, bonding, nurturing. Attachment, and having to re-nurture ourselves after our parents are gone. Parents need to heal themselves too. Desire. Endurance > commitment > intimacy. Loneliness is a signal that we are cut off from our foundations. Avoiding loneliness manifests itself as depression and anxiety. We need to learn to re-parent ourselves.

What are we afraid to acknowledge?

MONDAY -- MAY 18, 2020

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do now. I know my perspective and reactions need to shift. These are the only things I have control over in this world. I think.

Well then, how do you explain Ghandi?

I miss Tower records. I miss Los Angeles as well. But I don't associate Tower Records with LA. I associate it with the East Village. Ugh. Just thinking about it makes my heart ache. What's worse, that I don't work in the East Village anymore, or the fact that the area doesn't really exist anymore?

• 7:51am. Morning movement, 1 lb hand weights. 20 minutes.

• Ran 5K for the heck of it. 56 min, 10 sec of moving time.

I Question Myself

So what am I to face today?

Who am I going to be today? Which Karen? Or shall I be Kaz? Does she still exist? Surely we share the same heart, and DNA.

I am a bit tired at the moment. I did the wrong thing with my Ambien last night. I was aware of it, but I did it anyway. In an effort to create a bedtime routine, I have taken to pulling out a sketch book each night at 9pm. I sketch for an hour, take a half Ambien, meditate, and then fall asleep within an hour.

But as I sketched last night, I was downing a bag of Stacy's, Cinnamon and Sugar Pita Chips. Instead of crawling into bed, I continued sketching and snacking. At close to 11pm, or maybe after, I took another half and got into bed. I listened to Synctuition, and it was a wrap.

TUESDAY -- MAY 19, 2020

• 7:37am = Water bill, scale, meditation, fell back asleep, interpretation, light, ginger, shroom, hydration, movement.

• Morning movement. Tai chi. 17 minutes.

• Ran 5K in 55 minutes, 38 sec.

• Malcolm Nance was returned to the e-library. Didn't finish. Excellent book. Well written. The content is infuriating to me. Grrrr. Makes me want to run harder. I have begun listening to "If I Had Your Face," by France's Cha. It is absolutely fantastic, engaging, and keeps moving. It is read by several women, including an actor I worked with, who brought Imelda Marcos to the stage every single night. She and her husband just had a baby. I am so damn proud.

I Never Noticed It Before

I noticed a street sign as I ran through my neighborhood. I have no idea why I noticed it today, been past this corner numerous times. It said "Patrolman David Guttenberg Way." There's an actor from Massapequa, who graduated from my high school 10 years before me, with the same last name. I actually saw him in the senior play, Applause, in 1976. I remember looking up to them all so much, the class of 76. They seemed to have a cause, and absolutely no cares, at the exact same time. I idolized them, even though I was only eight years old, and in love with Fonzie. I caught their vibe, and I kept it.

When I got home, I did a Google search and found out that on December 28, 1978, Patrolman Guttenberg noticed a double parked car on 7th Avenue and 86th Street. In an effort to save the owner a parking ticket, he asked around to find out to whom the illegally parked car belonged. That's why he entered the auto parts store, where there was a robbery in progress. He was shot three times, and died in a nearby hospital.

December 28 was Jay's birthday. In 1978, he was 32. I was in fourth grade. I remember my teacher very well. Her name was Mrs. Lewis. She had us write and perform short plays about the American Revolution. It is my understanding that after she retired, she bought a community theater on Long Island, eventually ending up in Sag Harbor.

So I guess I could say that she was the one who trained me early on, to usher historically based musicals. Thank you Mrs. Lewis, wherever you are.