I Lost My Roar!

The purpose of this story is to highlight how little moments can have a lasting impact. But it’s also about how we treat them afterwards. In hindsight, we can convince ourselves of what was right and wrong and what could have been. It’s the ‘Sliding Doors’ of it all, except there’s no part two; there’s just the doors we take and the ones we don’t. We don’t get to see how each would play out.

Looking back, there are plenty of moments that stand out. But if I try to take it back to the beginning, there are little moments that had a lasting impact. I’m talking about my dating life. Although on first appearance, it may not seem like it, but I’m riddled with social anxiety most of the time. And looking back, it wasn’t always going to be that way.

It was middle school. I was probably about 8 or 9 and noticing girls, well, one girl. I had a crush. Like most young boys, I didn’t know what to do about it. One day I decided to ask her out. A friend and I were running around the playground when I saw her talking to her friends. I decided to take the opportunity while I was feeling confident. What I didn’t consider was how much extra pressure all those witnesses added. I said hello, looked at her, looked at her friends and asked her out; well, I blurted out the words, “Will you go out with me?” in a shaky voice. A rush of adrenaline and fear coursed through my body. The hairs on my skin prickled with nervous energy, and then it all came crashing down in an instant. She said no.

I was devastated, embarrassed and humiliated in a split second, and my young self didn’t know what to do. I panicked, and I did what any young boy would do. I said it was a joke and tried to laugh it off before running away. The laughter lost decibels quicker than my feet moved. I ran away from the situation and distracted myself by playing with my friends. I swallowed the hurt of rejection and tried to pretend it didn’t happen. I was like a young lion cub testing his roar, trying to become a lion only to be hushed by the lionesses. I didn’t know what to do.

Nevertheless, a few weeks passed, and I shrugged it off. I asked her out again. That’s right, I didn’t realise it at the time, but I was brave and persistent. Traits that would lend me well to the world of dating. Unsurprisingly, I was shot down again. Then later that year, at the school dance, I found the courage to ask out my crush again. Well, I asked her friend to ask her if she wanted to dance with me and this time she said yes. Hallelujah. We slow danced. It was magical. I remember the song well. I was starting to find my roar again, only to be hushed one more time... After the dance, I asked her to be my girlfriend. This time, I did it with more hope and conviction, but it wasn’t enough.

During my anguish, I found out that another girl liked me, so I asked her to be my girlfriend. Thinking it would help to lick my wounds. Incredibly she said yes. At first, I was happy. I even asked my mum to buy a box of chocolates so I could give them to her. We dated for a week. We held hands, and she kissed me on the cheek, and that was our romance. It never stood a chance. I felt guilty because I liked someone else, and my crush was never too far away. And I was hurting more than I wanted to admit. I was too young to understand that I needed to process those feelings before moving on.

My childhood crush had inadvertently crushed my hopes of romance. I, the little lion cub, lost the chance of ever having a confident roar. I lost my dating voice, and my timid nature took over. Although there were more moments when I found the courage to ask, it was never said with much confidence. Many more lionesses rejected me, and eventually, it added up to a silent fear of rejection that I’ve been fighting ever since.

As I look back over my dating life, my thoughts are plagued with little moments because that’s what we remember. The missed kiss that sends a tingle down your spine. The words left unanswered that echo around your mind. These are the things that haunt you. That shape you. So many moments that could have changed the trajectory of my dating life. Moments that could have recaptured my roar before it was too late.

There’s a memory I have of floating on a lake in New Zealand surrounded by breathtaking scenery. I had let my kayak drift towards hers. She was a friend. We’d met only recently and spent every day together. We had grown close. There was chemistry between us. She was beautiful, and we were flirting. I reached out, pulled her kayak close to mine, and looked into her eyes. The moment registered clear as day. “Kiss her”, my instincts said. “She’s your friend”, replied my anxiety. Months later, after regretting my decision, we exchanged messages online. Things could have been different. Years later, the world lost a beautiful soul, and the thought crossed my mind. What if.

These moments are so powerful they can destroy us if we let them. It’s easy to look at them like sliding doors. If only you had said or done something, things could have been different. They say hindsight is a wonderful thing, but it’s not. There’s no way of knowing how things will turn out. The truth is, we don’t know what’s going to happen, and we can’t change what already has. It’s best not to dwell on the past.

When I look back now, I focus on the positive memories and take lessons from the rest. We can’t change the past, and we don’t know what we’d lose if we did. It’s best to remember a missed opportunity for what it is. Learn from it and then move on. Focus on the future and the little moments that lie ahead of you.

What I’ve come to learn is that everything is connected, and the small things matter. Every day is full of little moments that can ladder up to something bigger. So, whether it’s by chance, coincidence, or effort when a moment presents itself, remind yourself to take it. Let yourself roar.