I Hate My Girlfriend

You must be thinking, "Why would he hate his girlfriend?"

Well, first of all, she is not my girlfriend. She is my friend who is a girl. HAHAHAHA I got you there. Well anyways let's proceed, "why would you hate your friend?" Well, it all started when we were still in grade 1. Her name is Jane. She caught my attention. Back then, she always cried a lot, laughed out loud, and most of all she smiles a lot. She had caught my attention. She was my first love.

We were classmates up until grade 4.

When we were already in grade 5, we were not classmates anymore, but still, I loved her, and then the pandemic hit. We lost contact with each other. We were friends on Facebook but we didn't even chat with each other, NOTHING! Not until everything began to start going back to normal. We were already in 8th grade but still, we were not classmates.

One day, I mustered up the courage to chat with her. I asked her how she was. She then replied that she was doing well. We chatted with each other up until 12 midnight. Can you believe that? 12 MIDNIGHT! I think she also wants to chat with me or maybe she was in love with me, or maybe I was just being delusional HAHAHAHAHA. After that conversation with her, I felt like something inside me changed. I started to dream about her and started to smile a lot. I don't even get angry anymore! I started to think of some scenarios in which we had children and we were living happily as a family. I even made a playlist that made me think about her. She changed me a lot. That's when I realized that I loved her.

After that, we started to chat with each other more frequently and the best part is that I can talk with her every recess because our classrooms are near. For me, it was the best school year of my life because I was in love. Then here comes a guy, his name is Dayne. He is my friend and always will be. He helps me a lot, from school works to talking with Jane. Yeah, I asked for his help so that I can talk to Jane because he and Jane are best friends. I owe him a lot.

One day, everyone in the class was going somewhere to have their picture taken for I.D. Everything was going well. While me and Dayne were still waiting, we talked with each other. We started to ask each other some personal questions. That is when he asked who my crush is. I was still hesitant to answer but I told him that it was Jane. I started to tell him about Jane, how we met each other, and how I fell in love with her. After all of that, I then asked him who his crush was. He said it was Jane. I didn't understand what I felt that day. It felt like half of my body was cut off, but for the sake of our friendship, I just laughed it off. I know that I don't have the right to tell him that he should not like her because I and Jane are not in a relationship, but still, I was hurt. Can you believe it, your best friend, whom you owe a lot love your first love! My mind was confused that day.

After that, I decided to chat with Jane. We talked a lot and all that stuff. After a while, I decided to tell her if it was ok to court her but I decided to delete the message after because I was scared, but it was too late! She had already read the message! She was surprised (as seen in her text). She asked if I was going to court her, but I started to deny it. I said that maybe someone hacked my account. I was so foolish. I was so dumb. I was so scared. I didn't know what to do.

After that day, when we were already in school, I tried my best not to meet her. I knew that it was going to be awkward. I spotted Dayne and told him about what happened yesterday. Then he told me something that surely made me feel blue for the rest of the day. He told me that he started to court Jane ever since 2020. Now, my mind is really, really, REALLY confused. I don't know if I am going to support my best friend or fight for my love.

A few days after that tiring day, I finally decided that I will court Jane and I would fight for her love. But then she shared a picture on her Facebook account. It is a picture of her and Dayne together. It seems that she already said yes to Dayne. It seems that I already lost. I have no chance now.

Then I chatted with Jane and congratulated her and Dayne. Then I told her about everything. I told her how I liked her since we were in grade 1. I told her that she was my first love. I told her about my love for her. I told her that it was enchanting to meet her. Then after all that, she told me that she also liked me too before. She liked me but she decided to stop because she heard that I have a crush but the truth is, I don't have any other crush. SHE IS MY CRUSH. I felt like the world immediately dropped. It was heavy. My heart was heavy. HOW CAN I BE SO FOOLISH? HOW CAN I BE SO DUMB? If I had just decided to tell her how I felt, maybe, just maybe, we would be together now. But no, I let my fear of rejection eat me and now I am living in regret. Every time I see her with Dayne, my chest feels like it was being crushed by a truck. Why did I let my fear get the best of me? WHY? JUST WHY? If only I could turn back time. So yeah, I hate her for being herself, for being my first love, but I hate myself more. I hate myself for letting my fear of rejection get me. I hate myself for being such a coward. I hate myself for being like this. It may be hard but I need to accept, that my first love, loves some one else.